Stay at home mums

galvanizersbaby

RadoJo wrote: »

Ha - so last week the Daily Mail wanted to speak to women who worked while their partners stayed at home, but this week it's women who stay at home that are being used as status symbols? Another example of non-story journalism making out that there's some kind of inherent problem with almost any lifestyle choice so long as they can find an angle which puts down one of the partners. Can we simply not accept that everyone's choices are for their own reasons and generalising about them is fairly pointless.

I think your post RadoJo sums up my thoughts very nicely

moomoomama27

I've been a working mum, and a SAHM, and I've always had plenty of quality time with the children. I worked when my eldest was small, to better our life as my ex walked out on me, so had to bring her up alone. I refused to sit on benefits, so had to scarifice some time with her, although we more than reaped the benefits later on!

I became a SAHM again when I had my second and only returned to work when my third was 18 months old, and then did a job that meant my hubby was home when I was at work, so all the children were always with a parent. I raised all 3 as a SAHM would, going on school trips, attending mum and toddler groups etc.

I would consider myself a working mum now, but with the added bonus I do all my work hours when my children are at school, with the exception of a Sunday when hubby has them while I work! It works for us! I use all my annual leave to spend with them over the summer break, and half terms. So I really feel I have the best of both worlds!

stepharoo

I am a stay at home mum and I love it. I had a decent career at the BBC before I had my daughter but I can't imagine going back now. My husband and I are registered as self employed and I do the odd bit of admin and finance for his company but otherwise I'd say I am a housewife. It was the best decision we could have made, and I feel very fortunate we can afford for me to be at home full time. I manage our money very carefully to make sure we don't have to make too many cutbacks and it works well for us.

[Deleted User]

I find this really interesting and just the thing i needed to read at the moment to see how other SAHM's feel. I have been a SAHM for the last 2 years now to our 3 yr old DS and am currently pregnant with our 2nd child. My OH gets a decent wage that covers all our outgoings and leaves us a bit left over for spends but by no means are we rich and we don't have money for everything we want. I had a well paid job before I had my son and if you had asked me before he was born if I had ever intended on been a SAHM the answer would definatley have been no but once he was born and I had gone back to work I really wanted to be at home with him as often as possible. Me and OH weighed up the pro's and con's and to be honest we both decided that for the sake of a bit of extra spending money then we would both rather I be at home with our DS than him been in nursery full time. My DS is now at nursery on an afternoon for a few hours and I sometimes feel guilty as I feel that I should not be at home when he is not here but instead should be out earning some money. I have a fab OH who constantly reassures me that he doesn't care that I am at home and that he is happy with the way things are so as long as I am then he doesn't mind me not working at all. I also sometimes feel guilty when I see my friends who are having to return to work when their children are 6 mths ish and they say they don't have a choice due to money, although as I said we are not flush, we get by and we have some spare money but that is enough for us. My family are all really happy and I feel so lucky to have my OH as I really couldn't have wished for anyone better. I sometimes also feel that if someone asks what you do for a living and you say you are a SAHM that they look down on you as though you are some scrounger on benefits who only has children to not have to work - that is not the case for us, I get child benefit and child tax credits (the minimum) which is what we would get if I was working anyway. I have always made it clear to my OH that if he ever starts to feel like he is doing all the work and I am just at home doing nothing then I want him to tell me straight away and I will find a job but he says he is happier that I am at home with our DS and he actually thinks that he has it easier been at work than I do looking after DS and the house.....and while I try and keep up to the housework and cooking etc myself my OH is also not bothered about chipping in and helping out if needs be either, he doesn't expect that just because he works and I don't that he shouldn't help out. I really feel that our son has benefited from me been at home and I just hope that I can continue to stay at home for as long with our new baby. I will probably look for a PT job when both kids are in school full time but until then I am happy, my OH is happy and my son is happy so I think it is by far the best decision I have ever made and gives me much more satisfaction than any job has ever given me. :j

Spendless

I didn't really have much choice when eldest was born almost 11 years ago. My company only employed f-time workers and the right to request p-time working for their consideration didn't exist. Nor was their the help with childcare costs that there currently is. I wasn't prepared to work f-time for nothing so I packed in and then when he got to 7 months and finances dictated that we needed another income worked weekends and evenings. I packed that in due to ill-health in my next pregnancy and during this time my MIL and grandmother who had helped us out with the overlap between hubby's finish time and my start time, had major ill-health themselves, one with Cancer, the other with DVT.

Meanwhile hubby changed jobs and his work means he works late, goes in early, is away o/night with no set pattern, which made it harder for me to find something that fits in. By the time youngest was approaching 3, technology had advanced so much, I needed to update my skills, so went back to college for a few years only to finish in time for a recession. 18 months of looking and 6 months of a voluntary job later and I finally found a p-time temp position that I've had for past 7 months.

Spendless

shellsuit wrote: »

I'm a SAHM. I'd love to work again, but by the time we would pay for a childminder, it wouldn't be worth it.

I do look for jobs, mainly evenings and weekends so that we wouldn't need a childminder, but haven't found anything....yet!

Sorry I meant to quote this. In my above post I used to do this when we only had eldest. Initially I worked in an (independant) grocery store 2 evenings per week plus 1 session on Sunday (I had the morning one 8-1, but there was also afternoons 1-6 or another evening 6-11pm). After 6 months, I changed jobs and went to work at a large DIY chain mon-fri 5pm-8pm.

As well as the large supermarkets like tesco et al, which I'm sure you've thought of, newsagents that sell lottery tickets sometimes need staff to cover working these evenings. I also had a very brief spell in a wine store (independant chain). Only left cos I got offerred the job at the diy place for more money and set hours.

Just some ideas for you to try.:)

money_saving_diva

I'm a sahm to a 3 yr old & 6 month old.

It's the job I have always wanted to do and I love it! We are not on benefits and my husband earns an average wage.

We planned our lives/relationship around me being a sahm when we had a family. It was and still is very important to us that one of us is at home with the children. We met at 18 and although even then we knew we wanted to be married and have children we planned our lives so we could do it finacially how we wanted. I went to uni & am qualified to degree level. I got a decent job and we bought a house that we could do up & make money on to get us up the housing ladder quicker. We got married 6 years after meeting once we could afford a house. We then waited until the time was right 3 years later to have our son and me to give up work. We moved to a family house in an area I knew other mums and where we want a children to go to school.

My husband has progressed up the career ladder at work and therefore earning more money which I believe is helped by the fact he never has to mess work around to be off for ill children, never needs to leave work early to pick them up etc etc he can relax that I am taking care of the kids.

He then is great when at home. He loves coming home to a happy, relaxed family and (usually) dinner ready etc. I'm not great at keeping the house immaculate at the mo with a baby but he doesn't care! We are all happy that is the main thing. I read a bit of the article about the blokes sock drawer being neat or something .... I must say I am my husbands wife not his mum! You do have to be careful being a sahm that you don't just become a 'mum' especially to your husband!!

I will go back to work when we are all ready. We planned for me to have a minimum of 10 years out but I think it will be longer. I have my degree & I keep my skills up to date. I'm not worried about returning to the workplace after a big gap.

When I say I'm a sahm to Women my mums age (50+) that were sahm's like her they always look back on that time so happily. They always say to make the most of it.

I have never heard a sahm look back on their sahm time at say they wished they had worked.

I treasure every moment I'm at home with the children. I see every little milestone. My husband is jealous in a way but he likes it that he hears what the children have been doing from me - not me telling me what the child care provider has said our child has done/can do iykwim.

We took a big drop in the money coming in when I finished work but we are both shocked how we don't miss it. I just wish we had known that earlier and saved more!

I know I appriciated my mum being at home & I think my children will too.

busy_mom_2

I'm not sure I would make a good SAHM, I work four days and really enjoy my job. I take then both to school before work. Husband picks them up spends time with them before I come home. He works nights so I spend quality time with the kids in the evenings. On my day off I rush round doing the shopping and cleaning so weekends are spend with the kids doing things they enjoy. They are both happy, independent and doing well at school. We couldn't afford for me to stay at home and we don't have an extravagant lifestyle. Plus I find it so hard to keep the children quiet when he is in bed and they are off in the holidays. I have at least half the school holiday off, grandparents help and they love the school holiday clubs so much they moan when they can't go!
Every family has to do what suits them, I don't believe there is a right and wrong.

lostinrates

RadoJo wrote: »

Ha - so last week the Daily Mail wanted to speak to women who worked while their partners stayed at home, but this week it's women who stay at home that are being used as status symbols? Another example of non-story journalism making out that there's some kind of inherent problem with almost any lifestyle choice so long as they can find an angle which puts down one of the partners. Can we simply not accept that everyone's choices are for their own reasons and generalising about them is fairly pointless.

Agreed, sort of...

but..there is some kind of inherent compromise with almost any lifestyle choice...and to answer any readerships audience (even the mail!) they need to look at different aspects of what all boils down to the same thing: and that is finding the right compromises for OUR families. No one, no matter how general or specific, can tell us what we ourselves feel is right for our set ups.

If there was no use, no market for this then there would be many fewer forums and posts on MSE! People gather their information from our own variably wonderful and dodgy resource...others from The Mail.

Ultimately, people should do what is right for them but also know that its not the same for everyone.

I think the original ''status symbol'' discussion is very far removed from an important decision..financially, for lifestyle and for some a moral decision...about their own childcare and parenting choices.

idea

It is not often I post, but this has really annoyed me. Why is it, whatever decision you make as a family is wrong? Just do what you want/need to do with regard to your children. Whatever decision is made should be fine, but if you don't work, you are classed as stupid, and if you do, you are classed as uncaring. I work, and I do it for my sanity as much as anything else, but I shouldn't have to justify my decisions to anyone.

And more to the point, what about stay at home dads?