The nice ladies and gents on OS thought you could help me!

BitterAndTwisted

No, I don't. I think this thread should be a tiny corner of your own life that belongs to no-one but you.

I can see how attractive it might seem for him to read what others think about his gallivanting off every weekend to follow his own interests but I really do think that this should be something you open up a discussion about on your own.

If he does read this: MISTER, STOP SPENDING EVERY BLOODY WEEKEND PLEASING YOURSELF AND SPEND SOME QUALITY-TIME WITH YOUR WOMAN! I think you're very selfish and inconsiderate

Primrose

weeze210 wrote: »

Do you think I should let Hubby read this thread?

Weeze x

Weeze. No, I don't think at this stage you should let him read this thread. First try and have a discussion with him about how tired and exhausted you feel and that you're finding it difficult to carry on with the lack of support you're receiving from him and other members of the family. Because you're obviously not a complainer, he might not take you too seriously at first but you could suggest going away on your own to have a break because you're physically and mentally exhausted and want to "consider your options".

This may come as shock to him if the household rock suddenly looks like dissolving, but ask him when, amongst all his own weekend leisure activities he ever considered that you too, work just as hard as him, and might need a release from your drudgery occasionally, or that you might want some quality time with him at weekends rather than being left on your own all the time. If he won't listen and take on board what you're saying, then perhaps seeing your posts on here he might start to figure that if you're reduced to posting on here for help and support from strangers, the situation is more serious than he thought.

It's easy for him to have taken all your efforts forgranted if you've done all these things for years without complaining or making your feelings and needs known. First give him the opportunity to recognise how badly this is affecting you and to take some steps to put things right.

somethingsgottogive

No no no, don't ask him to read it! :eek:

Everyone on here is replying to the way you feel, and your thoughts on your family life - there are two sides to every story, and he might not even realise your having some of these feeling about his behaviour iyswim. There's also the chance that he'll think that you agree with every little thing that's been said about him by complete strangers, even if you don't. I can't imagine anything but arguments and heartache if he reads this!

I really hope you manage to sort it out and find yourself again, but I don't think OH needs to see the processes behind it

bluebag

Hi, glad your doing a bit of thinking, that's what sets the ball rolling for change.
I am no hero when it comes to confrontation either, but I knew I'd have to do something or go under.

I learned to state my needs in a kind and loving way, I tell my family what I want and why, like Fridays, that's my day off, they all know this.

I told them I was feeling the need for some personal space and so wouldln't be available on Fridays so if they needed anything I would need to know by Wednesday.

I always go out on Friday even if I don't have anywhere specific to go, I've been to museums and country parks, exhibitions, had a make-up makeover by the lovely ladies in the posh shops selling make-up I could never afford. I've met mates for coffee and even been to the cinema and an ice rink on my own. Its lovely.

Because I consistently went out on Fridays ... they now expect it. It's a 'given' that Friday is Mums day off and it's sacred, because I made it so.

Wheeze, make this thread the first thing you keep just for you. You share a life with your family, but your mind belongs to you. Try to feel calm about having things just for you, and only you it's very right to do that.

Primrose

I like the idea of Bluebag's idea of "Mum's Day Off" and think more families should try and accommodate this. People who are in paid employment automatically get this, and often rarely stop to think that mothers are expected to be on duty 24/7 and never have a day off. It's quite thoughtless really and all of us in our time have probably been guilty of expecting our mothers to be there and on active duty all the time, even when their husbands retire and have lots of free time on their hands when the wife is still expected to carry on as usua doing the washing, cooking, shopping and household cleaning.

meritaten

weeze210 wrote: »

One of the big problems is that I don't have any 'hopes or dreams'. I've been to busy looking after everyone else I don't know who I am. I know I would feel better if I had something to look forward to but I have no idea what I want to do. DH doesn't like his job but has said many times that 'at least his job pays for his hobby and his hobby gives him something to look forward to at the weekend' He doesn't have to make chilcare arrangements everytime he goes out, there is no way I could go away for a month like he did!

lol - I am going to disagree with you weeze! you DO have hopes and dreams - or you DID! its just that you have conditioned yourself to live in the now and NOT dream or hope in the future! think back hun, to before you had your children or even back to schooldays.............just sit quietly and let yourself go back to that time........... what did you dream of doing then? what would have been your chosen career? what were your interests? did you want to be a famous singer or actress? it wouldnt be too late to join a drama group or even perform as a singer - look at Susan Boyle! plenty of people hit this stage and resurrect old dreams - and MAKE them come true!

why would you think you couldnt go away for a month? if you were ill and in hospital they would have to cope wouldnt they? might be good for them that mum ISNT there to pick up after them and organise their lives for them! you would be doing them a favour!
A couple of hours a week while you pursue an interest would do you the world of good! and try not to be such a good mum that the kids dont have to lift a finger............wont hurt them to fend for themselves while you are out. and post up a new rule in the kitchen and bathroom IF YOU DIRTY IT THEN YOU CLEAN IT!
that would be a start hun.............good luck!:)

paddy's_mum

I'm firmly of the view that the mother who does every last thing for her children is very far from showing how 'good' a parent she is since she is teaching them only one thing .. how to be one of life's takers!

Lara44

Primrose wrote: »

After years of this happening, everybody has started to assume you don't have feelings of your own or care about how you are being treated. In other words, you've become the family's domestic servant who is expected to quietly go about her tasks, keeping in the background, being neither seen nor heard. It's hardly surprising that your self esteem has plummeted and you're feeling badly used.

So who is to blame? It's understandable that if you previously lived in an abusive relationship you got used to keeping your head down to avoid trouble. But in doing so, you've unwittingly allowed yourself to get bogged down in another abusive relationship, - this time an emotionally abusive one, because you have not been able to stand up for your own rights to be treated with respect, by other members of your family.

A wonderful post, Primrose. OP, it sounds like you haven't felt like an equal member of the family, who has the right to ask for respect, love and practical help from the others in the group. These are the emotions that nourish us, so it is understandable you're feeling frustrated and dis-engaged.

The first goal is to build up the confidence and strength to ask for these things. My advice would be to start to delegate more, just small things at first. Your DS even at 9 can be responsible for some chores. He might resist change at first but it's a good feeling to be given a task and accomplish it well. Then your DH - ask him to help out with something, tell him you need more money as you want to save some of your wages.

Find a space where you can start to think about yourself. It sounds as if you've had an awfully tough time health-wise and that you have handled it wonderfully. Think back on all the things you have done well - raising two kids is no small achievement!! Start every day to focus on one positive thing. If you can, ask your DD to increase her childcare by one night a week. Take some exercise, see a film, meet with friends, something that gets you out of the house and interacting with people.

Take gentle steps towards that goal of living differently, and don't let the moans and groans about what you're not doing in the house get you down. This doesn't mean they don't love you, but that they are resisting change. You're not just a Mum, you're a lot more besides. It doesn't matter if you don't see that at the moment, but all of us are more than just the jobs we do, or the relationships that we're in.

Primrose

Lara44 wrote: »

Find a space where you can start to think about yourself. It sounds as if you've had an awfully tough time health-wise and that you have handled it wonderfully. Think back on all the things you have done well - raising two kids is no small achievement!! Start every day to focus on one positive thing. If you can, ask your DD to increase her childcare by one night a week. Take some exercise, see a film, meet with friends, something that gets you out of the house and interacting with people.

Take gentle steps towards that goal of living differently, and don't let the moans and groans about what you're not doing in the house get you down. This doesn't mean they don't love you, but that they are resisting change. You're not just a Mum, you're a lot more besides. It doesn't matter if you don't see that at the moment, but all of us are more than just the jobs we do, or the relationships that we're in.

Lara - I think this is very good advice. It's never easy to change a way of life overnight or to start viewing yourself in a different way, but hopefully small steps implemented gradually by firmly will help to get the family operating in a different way.

Try and make a point of having a relaxed family meal (i.e. your family Board Meeting) once a week where you talk about all these issues and how things are going. This will help you all to communicate better as a group, which is part of ensuring that these changes can take place and the momentum is maintained.

Kimitatsu

Weeze

How was your day off yesterday? Did you do anything nice for yourself - at least the weather has brightened up a bit!

Hugs

x