The nice ladies and gents on OS thought you could help me!

pupsicola

It sounds like you have lost your identity. You have been so busy putting everything you have into raising your family, at times in very difficult circumstances, that you are not use to thinking about what you would like.

I challenge you to sit down, indulge yourself completely and think back to a time when the only person you had to think about was you. Remember when you were the person you would like to get back to being again. What things interested you then? What were your hopes and dreams. None of us truly forgets that side of ourselves. Decide on a new hobby, think of one place you would love to go to on holiday. Start small if you want to and imagine having a day to yourself and decide what you would love to do. We all have the capacity to think that way, its the allowing ourselves to that is the difficult bit.

You are important and unless you start believing it no-one else will.

ChocClare

weeze210 wrote: »

He doesn't have to make chilcare arrangements everytime he goes out, there is no way I could go away for a month like he did!

So why does he feel he doesn't have to make childcare arrangements every time he goes out? Is it because the children aren't his that you have taken on 100% of the responsibility for them?

Could you not say to him on a day which does not clash with his hobby, I'd like to go out for an hour, could you mind the kids? Isn't there a middle way between you looking after the kids and the kids looking after themselves? Teenagers don't even SEE mess; it doesn't OCCUR to them to do basic things, but it might get done if your OH was also in the house. And a break doesn't have to be a whole day - just a babystep at a time. You could spend your hour in the library looking at craft books or down the leisure centre doing a spinning class - it doesn't matter - just to allow you to forget about the family for a short period of time and just concentrate on you for a bit. And ignore any mess when you come back... you didn't make it so you shouldn't be clearing it up...

weeze210

bluebag wrote: »

Would your OH be open to you having some money of your own, that's just for you and that you don't have to explain what you did with it? It might be worth a thought, and maybe give you somewhere to start.

Keep your chin up, you have admitted to yourself and to others that there is a problem, that's a huge accomplishment in itself, many poor folk never get to there and live in unhappy denial for life. You doing well.

It was my x-hubby that was the controlling one money wise. My present hubby pays all the household bills. My wages I use for extras and things the kids need. I have a real problem with buying things for myself after years of not being allowed and then when I was a single parent I suddenly had to pay all the bills which I never had before so was too scared to spend any money on myself in case it was needed for the house.

weeze x

weeze210

ChocClare wrote: »

So why does he feel he doesn't have to make childcare arrangements every time he goes out? Is it because the children aren't his that you have taken on 100% of the responsibility for them?

Could you not say to him on a day which does not clash with his hobby, I'd like to go out for an hour, could you mind the kids? Isn't there a middle way between you looking after the kids and the kids looking after themselves? Teenagers don't even SEE mess; it doesn't OCCUR to them to do basic things, but it might get done if your OH was also in the house. And a break doesn't have to be a whole day - just a babystep at a time. You could spend your hour in the library looking at craft books or down the leisure centre doing a spinning class - it doesn't matter - just to allow you to forget about the family for a short period of time and just concentrate on you for a bit. And ignore any mess when you come back... you didn't make it so you shouldn't be clearing it up...

He would look after the kids if I asked but I have a real problem asking. They aren't his kids and he works hard all week in a job he hates. He doesn't see the mess either he's just as bad as the kids. I can't ignor mess, it stresses me!

Weeze x

bluebag

weeze210 wrote: »

My daughter does the ironing, dusts and hoovers her room and the stairs and landing. I dust, hoover, clean and mop the lounge,kitchen,our bedroom, sons room, bathroom and utility. This takes me a whole day, usually a thursday when I'm not at work. I do all cooking, washing, organising, paper work etc. Hubby didn't even know where his passport was or driving licence which he needed for work tonight. This morning he woke me up to ask ' have WE got any enverlopes?' then when I pointed him in the right direction it was then 'have WE got any stamps?', then can you post this on your way to work?' I have to do everything. The kids are always saying 'mom where's my.....?'
I'm sick of it, how can I do anything for me? The house would fall apart if I wasn't here!
Weeze x

Sometimes it can be overwhelming to look at the whole staircase when you only need to take the first step.

Nest time the questions from WE brigade come, just shrug your shoulders and say 'Idunno, have a look'and move on quickly. They sound like they are relying on you to do everything, because you always have. Cut them loose a bit, I bet they find the stamps all on their own when you don't.

I remember my DD learning to ride a bike, we me holding on to the back and turning purple pushing her by the seat.

I had to let go eventually and she learned to ride the bike, OK she did fall off now and again, tears but nothing broke, but she learned.

I let go and she learned.

Maybe you need to lovingly let go so they can learn, yes there will be mistakes and messes, tears and tantrums, but they will learn.

weeze210

pupsicola wrote: »

It sounds like you have lost your identity. You have been so busy putting everything you have into raising your family, at times in very difficult circumstances, that you are not use to thinking about what you would like.

I challenge you to sit down, indulge yourself completely and think back to a time when the only person you had to think about was you. Remember when you were the person you would like to get back to being again. What things interested you then? What were your hopes and dreams. None of us truly forgets that side of ourselves. Decide on a new hobby, think of one place you would love to go to on holiday. Start small if you want to and imagine having a day to yourself and decide what you would love to do. We all have the capacity to think that way, its the allowing ourselves to that is the difficult bit.

You are important and unless you start believing it no-one else will.

I've never been just me, I had my first son when I was 17 so I've always been a mom and can't remember before that. I don't know who 'me' is or what 'she'd' like to do!

Weeze x

pupsicola

I mean this in the nicest way, hard to convery on a forum. Have you ever considered counselling? You have been through a nightmare in the past, I have gone through the same. It may help to talk it through. It is okay to think about spending some money on yourself and making sure you have quality time.

bluebag

pupsicola wrote: »

I mean this in the nicest way, hard to convery on a forum. Have you ever considered counselling? You have been through a nightmare in the past, I have gone through the same. It may help to talk it through. It is okay to think about spending some money on yourself and making sure you have quality time.

It literally saved my life. I am a totally different person thanks to it, and I quite like me.

Fruball

Hi Weeze

Glad to see you are still posting and hope that you get loads of good advice here.

All I can say is that you don't have to do all this on your own... Men often step up to the plate when offered it in a certain way... For instance, asking for help from a man is better than hinting or nagging ( i have learned from experience!) and once they know it is appreciated then they seem to do more.... but they need to be asked in a 'nice' way rather than an assuming or controlling way if that makes sense... i was guilty of that for a while until i learned the better way!!!

Not sure if that is any help whatsoever but I am sure others here will be able to offer better guidance than me (hence the reason i am single with kiddies!!!)

Pls do keep posting on the 'Its tough' thread

xxx

pupsicola

bluebag wrote: »

It literally saved my life. I am a totally different person thanks to it, and I quite like me.

Same here, dont know where I would be now without having done it