The nice ladies and gents on OS thought you could help me!

ubamother

If you feel that a 'family conference' would turn out to be you blurting out everything in the classic overstressed mother way - the verbal equivalent of a water cannon!, how about writing it down how the way the house is run etc. etc. and giving it to OH to read. That way he won't feel that he has to interrupt you every third sentence and 'defend' himself and he will have chance to digest what may be a long long letter.

weeze210

Money_maker wrote: »

I saw your post on the OS thread. The bit above is the part which would bother me. Maybe its not just time and money you want but to spend it with your Life Partner. If he's off doing one thing and you're doing the domestic bits at home then you can't be spending any quality time together.

Sit him down and talk this over. Either he's just oblivious to the fact that he's having a whale of a time whilst you are so low at home or he realises after 3 years that he's got lucky with the mortgage paid off and him living his dream.

Don't worry about the kids - they are born ready trained to hit where it hurts the most. In pjs all day is most kids fantasy.

You need to talk this through and find a solution that works for you. I can see how desperately unhappy you are but sometimes you need to work out the question before you can find the answer.

I always end up waiting for him at tea time, sometimes the tea is ruined, just so we sit to the table to eat together as I wouldn't spend any time with him otherwise! He goes off to work before I get up but I do insist that he wakes me before he goes to say goodbye, I get up then. Of an evening after tea he sits on the laptop in the kitchen while I watch tv in the lounge after the clearing up is done and I've done lunches for the next day.

Weeze x

lillibetdripping

I, too, have followed you over here from the OS board. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I can't offer any advice really except - go to the library and rent the DVD 'Shirley Valentine'.....
Lilli x

weeze210

My DD hasn't had any money since the mobile incident, she's still doing the jobs but I'm keeping the money I would have given her to pay the phone bill. As her dad bought her a new phone I think she thinks that she doesn't need to pay for the contract one so I'll be pointing out to her tonight that its still got about 20mths on the contract so as she wanted the phone she can pay for it.
I didn't sleep very well last night so did a lot of thinking. When me and hubby first got together we spent lots of time together. My eldest son was at home then and he never went anywhere so we could go out whenever we wanted. When we met he had his own house and 2 daughters living at home. Once they left home WE did his house up, it was a complete state, and sold it. Every evening I would cook tea, kids would eat tea then I'd put the youngest to bed, he was only 5, then take tea round to his house and we'd eat then get stuck into the DIY till 11ish everynight. We did spend loads of time together then. When the house was sold he bought a road bike and we'd go out for the day sometimes on that as eldest was still at home. Since the eldest has left home I am stuck here all the time except for work. I can't even take DS anywhere as he just wants to play on his xbox or outside with his mates. If I drag him anywhere he is such a misery, asking every 2mins can we go home now. This makes it a nightmare to go anywhere.
Re the councelling I don't know as I'm a really shy person and don't like to talk about my feelings so don't know whether I would be able to 'open up'.
Hubby works hard all week ing a job he hates so he should have a hubby to unwind. He is hoping that all this 'helping out' at the schools will lead to a full time job. It would be less money but atleast then he won't need to spend money on his hobby and should be around more!
Son just left for school so I'm alone again, got to go to work soon so must have some breakfast. I hate my job although I'm lucky that its just round the corner and fits in with school. Today I'm still checking dates on individual chocolate bars. I've been doing this for the week before I was off and still got loads to do. Its so mind numbing. I have to check the whole store in order that its in my book. Luckily its quite a small co-op. If I find stuff nearing its BB date then I reduce it, so at least I get to know what the bargains are.

Weeze x

Primrose

Obviously this has reached the stage where you cannot continue to let things carry on as they are now. It seems that unwittingly, in your genuine desire to be a supportive mother and spouse, you haven't realised that you laid down some coconut matting at your front door which reads "I'm a doormat. It's OK for everybody to walk all over me."

After years of this happening, everybody has started to assume you don't have feelings of your own or care about how you are being treated. In other words, you've become the family's domestic servant who is expected to quietly go about her tasks, keeping in the background, being neither seen nor heard. It's hardly surprising that your self esteem has plummeted and you're feeling badly used.

So who is to blame? It's understandable that if you previously lived in an abusive relationship you got used to keeping your head down to avoid trouble. But in doing so, you've unwittingly allowed yourself to get bogged down in another abusive relationship, - this time an emotionally abusive one, because you have not been able to stand up for your own rights to be treated with respect, by other members of your family.

How to change this? Firstly you should think through quietly on your own what things have to change if you're to be able to create the supportive and cooperative family you want. Write them all down on a piece of paper. Under each item, write who in the family you expect to be involved in this action and how it's going to be achieved. And think about WHY it's not happening at the moment.

Is it because your family are disorganised? Don't plan their free time properly to allow time for household chores to be done? Or because you have always taken this burden upon yourself and allowed them to get off scott free? Their behaviour is obviously at fault, but try to recognise that not being sufficiently assertive about your own need for support in fact condones their selfish behaviour.

Once you're clear in your own mind what needs to change, it's time for a family conference. No excuses for non-attendance. Practice beforehand what you what to say and have clear in your own mind what has to change. And having had that family conference, you're going to have to start acting tough to ensure changes are implemented. If mobile phone charges are exceeded and the phone is in your name, cancel the contract. If the kids want some baking done so that there are nice things to eat, force them to spend some time at week-ends learning how to cook cakes or biscuits themselves. If the parrot isn't looked after and it's the childrens' pet, find another home for it where somebody will value it and care for it properly etc. etc.

By doing everything for your kids and not forcing them to take some domestic responsibility and learn new skills, you're preventing them from learning essential life skills they'll need in future life, if they're not to become unappreciative adults like your spouse.

And open a new bank account in your own name and put your earnings in it. Assert your independence in this respect and your right to have some money of your own to spend on yourself. Your OH is being selfish in that he's behaving with his hobby as if he's not a family man. He is, and his first priority is to support you if he wants to continue living as a family. If he doesn't, then it's perhaps time for a serious discussion on that issue too.

And try to stop doing bl**dy everything for your family. Make them take responsibility for themselves and the way the household is run. If dirty clothes don't get put in the laundry basket, don't wash them. If their possessions get mislaid because of their laziness , don't help them find them. If a meal isn't put on the table, make them peel some damned potatoes to help get it going.

PLEASE, stop being a doormat and start asserting your right to be treated with respect. You say you're shy but you don't have to be like this with your family. They won't know what's hit them at first, but stick with it and make them understand that this is the way things are going to happen in future. It will be a shock to them, but only by asserting your needs will they start to change their behaviour. Good Luck, and stick with it!

the_cat

weeze210 wrote: »

Hubby works hard all week ing a job he hates so he should have a hobby to unwind.

And you? At the moment you appear to be feeling very similar to him about your working week (ie you find it stressful and unrewarding)
If it is right for him to have a release from that drudgery, why not you?

The only way to find out what sort of things would give you that buzz is to try out some different things and see what 'fits'
Crafts,sports,fitness,beauty,fashion,gardening,evening class in any number of subjects,animals,voluntary work, a new job which you might get more fulfilment from.......... loads of different options. Spend some time thinking of a few which would be worth a go

I would decide that from now on Thursdays was NOT housework day. It is YOU day, a day where you can look forward to doing something for yourself. Pick something that interests you and just try it. The world will not stop turning just because you leave the house in a tip! But it might if you neglect yourself and your needs to the point where you are ill/depressed/so angry about your situation that you end up with a relationship breakdown

You being happy is IMPORTANT... for you and for the rest of your family.

Rowan9

Great to see your thread here weeze - well done and a big (((hug))) for starting it. You've already got lots of advice. Take your time and think through what you want. This didn't happen overnight and it will take family a while to understand that things are changing. Good for you - as someone said earlier, you are a strong woman!
W

weeze210

I can't stand confrontation, it scares me. I'm a very weak person. I know what everyone is saying is making sense but I don't have the 'fight ' in me.
I do have my own account with my own money but because of my past I have a real problem spending money on myself.

Weeze x

weeze210

I think what I need is a kick up the backside. The kids are like they are because I've made them that way. When I was a stay at home single parent I did everything. Now I work I am still trying to do everything, I can't do it all anymore, I'm to tired and drained.

Weeze x

kidcat

Weeze, I think you need to ask your oh how he sees things regarding kids etc, from there you can decide how you want to proceed. Forgive me for saying this, but it seems like you are currently in a position where you are still a single parent, obviously money isn't an issue, but otherwise to all intents and purposes you are bringing your children up alone, sharing a house - almost like having a lodger. Rather than being in a relationship.

Also you feel guilt as your oh works hard in a job he hates, well bring harsh, so do most people, that's life and with adulthood comes that responsibility. It's not your fault he hates his job - that was a decision he made. As for his hobby he is not a single man any more and needs reminding. It may be that he wants that life living somewhere else in the hobby job, and then you will have a tough decision to make. You currently provide him with a home, its worth reminding him that if he carries on in this selfish manner, he may end up living in just a house.


Do you honestly love your job? Maybe that's somewhere you could start looking to find yourself, what were your career aspirations? Maybe looking at a careers advice place would help - defining what you enjoy, what you are good at etc.