The nice ladies and gents on OS thought you could help me!

ChocClare

weeze210 wrote: »

He would look after the kids if I asked but I have a real problem asking. They aren't his kids and he works hard all week in a job he hates. He doesn't see the mess either he's just as bad as the kids. I can't ignor mess, it stresses me!

Weeze x

So that's good: you've identified something YOU have a problem with.

Can you not just take the plunge and ask? You are starting to recognise why you are feeling unhappy and why you are not making changes to stop that unhappiness. If you were in a controlling relationship before, it's not surprising that you feel afraid to ask; that you feel you are not "allowed" to do things. You're not in that relationship anymore: you can ask; you are allowed to do things. No one is stopping you but you.

Go on: try it! Just one afternoon! Your OH goes out every weekend and leaves you to it - he can surely spare you an hour? And then you might get enough distance to start to find out what it is you would LIKE to do rather than what you feel you HAVE to do.

I second the counselling idea - I really think it's something you would benefit from - talking through face to face and being given things to aim for might help you stop feeling like you are drowning. HTH.

bluebag

Frugal wrote: »

Hi Weeze

Glad to see you are still posting and hope that you get loads of good advice here.

All I can say is that you don't have to do all this on your own... Men often step up to the plate when offered it in a certain way... For instance, asking for help from a man is better than hinting or nagging ( i have learned from experience!) and once they know it is appreciated then they seem to do more.... but they need to be asked in a 'nice' way rather than an assuming or controlling way if that makes sense... i was guilty of that for a while until i learned the better way!!!

Not sure if that is any help whatsoever but I am sure others here will be able to offer better guidance than me (hence the reason i am single with kiddies!!!)

Pls do keep posting on the 'Its tough' thread

xxx

The asking in a nice way thing... my mum says 'you attract more bees with honey than vinegar' LOL

Thought I'd better edit this to add, my mum is nearly 80!

BitterAndTwisted

Weeze, have you considered taking an evening-class? Offhand, I could think of about a dozen things I have a passing interest in that I could sign up for. What the subject is really doesn't matter that much, the object is that you will be out of the house meeting new people at certain times for a certain duration and you would like your husband to take over the reins and cook dinner for everyone. End of. Maybe it could be some elementary Greek for that holiday you might have planned for later in the year, who knows?

grey_lady

I'd agree with the counselling idea, don't expect your family to change their behaviour until you have changed your own behaviours and actions, and seriously consider getting a cleaner if your resenting the time that the housework takes up, time and happiness is more important than money imho

bluebag

weeze210 wrote: »

He would look after the kids if I asked but I have a real problem asking. They aren't his kids and he works hard all week in a job he hates. He doesn't see the mess either he's just as bad as the kids. I can't ignor mess, it stresses me!

Weeze x

LOL, my OH doesn't see mess either, he would walk over a dead body without noticing. I have one DD a neat freak and the other slides in under a pile of clothes to sleep.

But that's them, I love them for it, it makes them who they are.

I need neat, so I do neat, and I do it my way because I like it that way, it doesn't stop me having fun though, I just limit how much time I'm prepared to devote to it , I need time for myself or that stresses me too. Flylady was a big, big help with this.

Kimitatsu

Weeze

So nice to see that you have started a new thread

A couple of things strike me about your post - firstly they are not his kids? No they may not biologically be his, but when he married you its not like you had kept them locked in the coal shed and it was a suprise! My DH is not the biological father of my children but he is their DAD, and they all adore each other. He needs to take some responsibility for them too - perhaps you havent let him do that yet because you feel responsible for everyone else? Your son is 9 and he needs a father figure to look up to - so let them go and do some stuff together, tell your husband that you and daughter are going out for a girly day and he is babysitting.....you may be suprised!

So who is Weeze? Crikey lady we all change since we are 17, I know I have Why not try something small, like going for a facial? Or joining a walking club if you fancy that sort of thing, or even joining the WI, they are not all jam and jerusalem you know. Once you get that little bit of confidence then you can start to build on it, and as you can see if you dont take time out for yourself you will explode. You can only give to others if you have something to give, and currently your gas tank is empty, so you need to take some time out to replenish those reserves.

A couple of other ideas - make a rota for the housework, son can join in too, as can DH even if its only drying the dishes. Also if you dont want DS to disappear into his bedroom all the time - take his xbox out and put it in a communal area. My boys do not have televisions or games consoles in their rooms, computer is in a communal room, and although they have mobiles it goes in fits and waves as to who they are texting at the time. As for DD, put some boundaries in, if she doesnt do the housework, she doesnt get paid (it only takes once :rotfl:) and you are teaching her a valuable life lesson. She wont starve, she wont be evicted but she may be uncomfortable for a while and she will learn the lesson quickly.

I feel for you, as many of us have been where you are now, I can absolutely promise you though the world or your household will not fall apart if you let go a little and take some time out for yourself. There may be a couple of teething issues to begin with, but persevere and stick to your guns and they will all step into line.

witchwoopiggy

hello weeze i have followed you from old stlye , have a massive hug cause you do sould like you need one :hug: i do not asume to know how you are feeling but i wanted to say you are not alone, long story cut short i had my first at 16 went on to have 2 more, was also in a controling violot relasonship, devoriced, then remarried no children with hubby . So i totaly understand the hardship on doing things you were not allowed, i still keep every reciept to show where money has gone even though hubby says i dont have to, habits ingrained by fear are hard to brake but you can brake them now its safe to do so. You and your hubby need time out together, have a chat and explain you feel like your all alone doing everything, arrange a dinner out just the two of you, but you dont pay, small steps to find the loveing couple you are. Also you say there your children, i was like this there mine not his i have to pay everything, but like someone else said he married your family which includes the children, maybe because you do everything hes worried you might take offense if he does something, my hubby did till we talked, i really do think you need to talk to them all, maybe not all at once, perhaps talk to hubby about how you feel and get him onside to talk to the children with you explain how you feel that your doing everything and feeling like your struggling. I do hope maybe i have helped in someway. thinking of you witchwoopiggy x

ceridwen

weeze210 wrote: »

I've never been just me, I had my first son when I was 17 so I've always been a mom and can't remember before that. I don't know who 'me' is or what 'she'd' like to do!

Weeze x

Sounds like you might have to think all the way back to your schooldays then - as you havent actually HAD any solo life as an adult at all by the sound of it.

So - back in your schooldays then:
- what subjects did you particularly like?
- what abilities and interests did your friends have that you envied them for?

I do suspect that many women are socialised by their mother in childhood into NOT particularly having any ideas/interests/tastes of their own - precisely in order that they "fit" better into putting a future family of their own and their own parents WAY before anything they might want to do themselves. If someone has noTHING in particular they want to do and noBODY in particular they want to be - then they dont "fight" nearly as hard (if at all...) to claim time and space to "be their own person" and therefore remain "available" to "fit into" that "serve all others" slot.

One doesnt have to go to the opposite extreme - there are LOADS AND LOADS of selfish/greedy people in the world without adding one more to them. But there IS a happy medium - of being one's own authentic self AND not turning into "another selfish member of the human race" and its that happy medium you need to find.

So - I'd advise a bit of mental "time travel". Go "back to your childhood" and think about those questions I posed you above. Then come back and tell us the answers you found to them.

elf06

I think you've done the right thing posting on here. The advice may not be what you are looking for but having people to listen often helps just as much. I'm probably not the best person to dish out advice as I, like Frugal, am single with a family (I say family but its just me and DS). I do, however, understand the feeling of not knowing what you want to do if you had the day to yourself. My parents are very good at taking DS periodically (on the rare occaision I have a night out of when i've done another 6 month stint at work without any hols and I'm shattered) but when they do I find myself not really knowing what to do with the time.
The only thing I could suggest is manye having a think about what you'd like as a hobby............jewellery making, gym class, knitting, veg growing whatever and then make a little time once a week to plan or carry out the activity. Personally I think maybe joining a groupn of some sort might help as that way you could meet people and 'discover' yourself
Good luck and keep posting

ceridwen

Thinking further on the mental "time travel" to childhood - and maybe it helps to give some examples of what I mean.

So:
- CLUE 1 = food wasnt regarded as something that was pleasurable as I was growing up. It was just a necessity - so it was "done". BUT the "clue" as to who I personally am was there - for some reason I collected every recipe I could get my hands on from my girlie comics, etc. I simply wasnt allowed to ever try them - but I kept collecting them - and the second I got to adulthood I started finding out about food. I've been trying new foods out and making new recipes ever since. Food is quite simply one of my "things" and an abiding interest. I cant be doing with the idea of eating just to fill my stomach and keep going - I am "interested" in all aspects of food.

- CLUE 2 = I read a wide range of books on things of a more religious and/or "spiritual" type level and church-hopped trying out different ones. Again - this was something that wasnt "there" in my family (though my mother has in latter years started going to church each Sunday - but she isnt "up to her neck" into things on that. She just likes attending a service each week). Hence - as an adult - that has turned into a huge range of New Age type interests/ideas that I am "into" and I am waiting for the greater amount of time I will have when I eventually retire to go much more into this.

Does that give you some idea how to work out the way to look for "clues" as to who and what YOU are?