The nice ladies and gents on OS thought you could help me!

weeze210

I posted on the Old Style board on a thread called ' It may be tough for six years, The survival thread' and they re-directed me here as they thought you lot would be able to help better.
Basically I started having a moan about none of my family suporting me when I was trying to save money. You know the sort of thing, no-one turning lights off, teenagers putting the oven on for one portion of oven chips, hubby not being able to see the point of shopping around for car/house insurance to save a few quid when I find it so stress full, that kind of thing. Then I began to get quite upset about the state of my life, or more the lack of life. We aren't desperate for money, we are ok due to having no mortgage( my critical illness insurance paid it off when I got skin cancer!). Hubby is a self employed electrician and I work part time in my local Co-op. I have 3 kids from previous relationship, two live with us DD17 and DS9. DH pays all the household bills, this included the mortgage until it was paid off. He has only lived here for 3 years and has paid the bills since he moved in. Although my illness paid the mortgage I haven't seen any benefit form it being paid off. My wages are used for extras like new bathroom, new bed, new cooker etc. I also pay for all things the kids need, clothes, school trips, pocket money etc. I also pay for all birthday and christmas presents.
DD has £50 per month and in return she looks after DS during school holidays while I'm at work, 12.5 hrs, she also does some dustind and hoovering and the ironing each week. £20 of this pays for a contract mobile which she has but is in my name. On christmas eve she had run up a bill of £178.34 in a month. £20 gets her 3000 texts per month, she had spent £158.34 on extra texts! I took the phone off her and said she could have it back when she had earnt enough to re pay me the bill. She went to her dads on the 27th and he bought her a new PAYG phone which her boyfriend has said he'll pay for.
My hubby has a hobby that takes him away most weekends and has just started to take him away from work in the week, if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid! He does motorbike off roading which he usually does with a company that takes people for days out at £200 a day. He used to pay but now he helps out so doesn't have to. He is hoping this is going to lead to a fulltime job. The school is based in wales so this would mean us re-locating. I don't mind this but it would mean that we would have to have a mortgage again. The job would be less pay so not sure about this.
I do everything in the house, washing, cleaning, cooking etc. I get no thanks just everyone moaning if I haven't been baking so there is 'nothing to eat'. I am trying to cook healthy meals but the kids always moan that its horrible. I have tried growing some veg but got no support. Hubby even asked if it 'was worth the effort?'
If I go out alone, which is rare, I come back to a tip. No-one has opened the curtains or uncovered the parrot, the kids aren't dressed. If anyone has phoned the message doesn't get passed on. The last time I went out was for mine and my sisters birthday which are only 3days apart. We went out for lunch and to exchange presents. Hubby was off roading so DD was looking after DS, I say looking after she just has to be there, I leave his lunch on the side and he entertains himself, after an hour I got endless texts and phone calls asking when I was going to be back. I purposely stayed away a bit longer but when I got home the house was a tip. It makes me not want to go out at all!
I don't have any hobbies or do anything for myself. I've never had the chance to find any interests as I had my 1st son when I was 17 so have always been a mom. I was also in a very controlling and abusive relationship with DS19 and DD17's dad so wasn't allowed to do anything on my own. Then being a single parent ment there wasn't the oportunity or money to do anything.
I feel my life is slipping by and I have nothing to look forward to. I didn't have a holiday last year but hubby went to Morocco off roading for a month. I have some womens health issues which aren't helping. I don't want to be here anymore and don't see the point of my life.

Weeze x

pupsicola

Unsurprisingly you have got to the end of your rope. When you get to that stage and its been going on so long it can be overwhelming and you cant see anyway out. Your kids are now young adults not children and are very lucky to be living at home where they are well cared for and provided for. When you are a strong person like yourself and take on the responsibilty of running the family home it is very easy to be taken for granted. Next time everyone is home insist on you all sitting down and chatting this through. I am sure deep down your family loves you very much. Are they even aware of how desperate you feel?

meritaten

This is where you have sat down and thought - but what about me? you have spent years supporting everone else and they are taking you - not so much for granted - but as a mug! and you are realising this. time to take back YOUR life. if you want to visit macchu picchu or go on a trip to las vegas - then tell them! its time they supported YOU! and you arent being selfish - you have been their rock - now you need to do things for YOU. tell them you had hopes and dreams too - which you put on hold for them - its your time to realise those dreams.

grey_lady

Are you happy that things are split fairly financially?
Have you thought about taking a holiday or planning something for you to look forward to?
Have you thought about getting a cleaner for a couple of hours a week, to take some of the load off? Hhmm, just realised that yup said your daughter helps with housework but then you also say that you do everything in the house?

kidcat

HI weeze, great to see you have taken the plunge as it were and have posted here, dont have any specific advice - I am sure there are plenty here that are far better able to help you, but sending you hugs and will keep you in my prayers.

Just wanted to add that when I was having troubles not so long ago - someone posted to remind me that I was strong and that I was a valuable individual - and so are you, you have obviously had health issues that you have got through - a divorce and bringing up kids alone - that in my book says you are tremendously strong.

BitterAndTwisted

I'd be having a serious discussion about all this off-roading business. I cannot for life of me fathom why a man would think it was OK to go off for a whole month on his own for a holiday without his wife.

Weeze, I agree that you should think very hard about calling a family conference to air how you are feeling. It's absolutely no fun whatsoever to be taken for granted, which is what it sounds like is happening. Never forget that it's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. Ask for what you need and make sure you get it. I reckon this should entail at least one day a week when you go out and do something to please yourself, preferably on the weekends so your husband can't sod off and do all this off-roading and leave you to fend for yourself. You're his wife so he should want to spend time with you but it sounds like you've drifted into being his housekeeper or something.

bluebag

Would your OH be open to you having some money of your own, that's just for you and that you don't have to explain what you did with it? It might be worth a thought, and maybe give you somewhere to start.

Keep your chin up, you have admitted to yourself and to others that there is a problem, that's a huge accomplishment in itself, many poor folk never get to there and live in unhappy denial for life. You doing well.

weeze210

meritaten wrote: »

This is where you have sat down and thought - but what about me? you have spent years supporting everone else and they are taking you - not so much for granted - but as a mug! and you are realising this. time to take back YOUR life. if you want to visit macchu picchu or go on a trip to las vegas - then tell them! its time they supported YOU! and you arent being selfish - you have been their rock - now you need to do things for YOU. tell them you had hopes and dreams too - which you put on hold for them - its your time to realise those dreams.

One of the big problems is that I don't have any 'hopes or dreams'. I've been to busy looking after everyone else I don't know who I am. I know I would feel better if I had something to look forward to but I have no idea what I want to do. DH doesn't like his job but has said many times that 'at least his job pays for his hobby and his hobby gives him something to look forward to at the weekend' He doesn't have to make chilcare arrangements everytime he goes out, there is no way I could go away for a month like he did!

weeze210

grey_lady wrote: »

Are you happy that things are split fairly financially?
Have you thought about taking a holiday or planning something for you to look forward to?
Have you thought about getting a cleaner for a couple of hours a week, to take some of the load off? Hhmm, just realised that yup said your daughter helps with housework but then you also say that you do everything in the house?

My daughter does the ironing, dusts and hoovers her room and the stairs and landing. I dust, hoover, clean and mop the lounge,kitchen,our bedroom, sons room, bathroom and utility. This takes me a whole day, usually a thursday when I'm not at work. I do all cooking, washing, organising, paper work etc. Hubby didn't even know where his passport was or driving licence which he needed for work tonight. This morning he woke me up to ask ' have WE got any enverlopes?' then when I pointed him in the right direction it was then 'have WE got any stamps?', then can you post this on your way to work?' I have to do everything. The kids are always saying 'mom where's my.....?'
I'm sick of it, how can I do anything for me? The house would fall apart if I wasn't here!
Weeze x

BitterAndTwisted

There's no way you could go away for a month on your own? Why bloody-well not? Quite honestly, I think you should stop using all of your wage to service the family and their needs and start stashing some funds away for a nice trip. The Greek islands are idyllic in September-time: you could go island-hopping for a month on your own. I did it a few years ago and it was sublime. Cheap too with a backpack and no particular destination in mind and nobody's permission or co-operation needed to do exactly as you damned-well please.

Money_maker

weeze210 wrote: »

I feel my life is slipping by and I have nothing to look forward to. I didn't have a holiday last year but hubby went to Morocco off roading for a month.

I saw your post on the OS thread. The bit above is the part which would bother me. Maybe its not just time and money you want but to spend it with your Life Partner. If he's off doing one thing and you're doing the domestic bits at home then you can't be spending any quality time together.

Sit him down and talk this over. Either he's just oblivious to the fact that he's having a whale of a time whilst you are so low at home or he realises after 3 years that he's got lucky with the mortgage paid off and him living his dream.

Don't worry about the kids - they are born ready trained to hit where it hurts the most. In pjs all day is most kids fantasy.

You need to talk this through and find a solution that works for you. I can see how desperately unhappy you are but sometimes you need to work out the question before you can find the answer.