Advice needed, ex and child contact :-(

littlemiss1986_2

Thankyou all for your kind words and advice. I phoned the ex about an hour ago and explained to him for the last time that I could not afford to keep driving up and down, that for the last two years I have done so without question but that now my pay had gone down to statutory maternity pay and petrol prices are so high things were different. I told him that he either pay £20 a month more (so £100 in total) or we'd have to cut down to every third weekend. He opted that he'd cut down to 1 weekend in 3. However.... He rang back 30 minutes later (I imagine after an ear bashing from his mother) and said he'd back the extra UNTIL I went back to work. This I guess is what you call a compromise. I will atleast not be out of pocket when I need the money most and for DS nothing changes. Not ideal I know but I feel happier about the situation. Thankyou all again.

Blackpool_Saver

Hmmm, well I wouldn't be, I think they are all a bunch of tightwads and you are far too soft.

shellsuit

littlemiss1986 wrote: »

Thankyou all for your kind words and advice. I phoned the ex about an hour ago and explained to him for the last time that I could not afford to keep driving up and down, that for the last two years I have done so without question but that now my pay had gone down to statutory maternity pay and petrol prices are so high things were different. I told him that he either pay £20 a month more (so £100 in total) or we'd have to cut down to every third weekend. He opted that he'd cut down to 1 weekend in 3. However.... He rang back 30 minutes later (I imagine after an ear bashing from his mother) and said he'd back the extra UNTIL I went back to work. This I guess is what you call a compromise. I will atleast not be out of pocket when I need the money most and for DS nothing changes. Not ideal I know but I feel happier about the situation. Thankyou all again.

Ahh at least you have got somewhere, and you are happy with the arrangements!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

My ex from Hell, for all his faults - including not paying a penny in maintenance, ever - even when he moved hundreds of miles away to live with a new girlfriend, always, ALWAYS drove the full distance to collect her for the weekend. He was on benefits (bone idle, workshy professional layabout being some of the characteristics that led to him being an ex) but he found the time and money to see his daughter.

I don't drive - never have done. So unless he had found the money for me to take lessons, pass my test, buy, tax, insure and run a car, it was never going to be any other way for him. He never complained about collecting her - plenty of other things, obviously , but never collecting her.

If someone that useless can manage to find petrol money and the time to get my DD in a knackered VW camper van, every second Friday at 3 to get her back for school on Monday - plus half of each holiday and three weeks in the summer, then I am fairly sure a fully qualified electrician with a BMW X5 can manage it or afford to pay someone a bit more maintenance than that already sent.

pupsicola

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

My ex from Hell, for all his faults - including not paying a penny in maintenance, ever - even when he moved hundreds of miles away to live with a new girlfriend, always, ALWAYS drove the full distance to collect her for the weekend. He was on benefits (bone idle, workshy professional layabout being some of the characteristics that led to him being an ex) but he found the time and money to see his daughter.

I don't drive - never have done. So unless he had found the money for me to take lessons, pass my test, buy, tax, insure and run a car, it was never going to be any other way for him. He never complained about collecting her - plenty of other things, obviously , but never collecting her.

If someone that useless can manage to find petrol money and the time to get my DD in a knackered VW camper van, every second Friday at 3 to get her back for school on Monday - plus half of each holiday and three weeks in the summer, then I am fairly sure a fully qualified electrician with a BMW X5 can manage it or afford to pay someone a bit more maintenance than that already sent.

I totally agree with you

Wilma33

Are you happy for him to give you cash at the service station? I'd be a bit worried that your son will see it as you swapping him for cash! Can't he set up a standing order? x

Flyboy152

Wilma33 wrote: »

Are you happy for him to give you cash at the service station? I'd be a bit worried that your son will see it as you swapping him for cash! Can't he set up a standing order? x

I think it sounds as though that may be beyond him. I also wouldn't think he has much money in a bank account (too much traceability), I would presume he prefers cash.

ford_prefect_3

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

And the fact that he would cease/reduce contact if the PWC could not afford the journey, is also a clue to his committment.

You seem to have alot to say yet have not once offered a solution to the OP's problem?

Its not a "fact" its a supposition by the OP that he would do that. Add to that your other assumptions and we have a whole lot of nothing.

The bottom line is that the issue of the childrens relationship with both parents is a shared responsibility and that is something that the OP has managed to achieve and for which she should be commended.

Its little wonder the family courts are clogged up with pointless cases when the vast majority of women seem to think its ok to use children as weapons to get more money and again its commendable that the OP has not stooped to those levels advocated by so many of you.

The only real issue if the level of maintenance received by the OP, appears there are no wellbeing issues for the child, both parties share the travelling (pretty sensible and the safer option given the distance) so really it comes down to sorting the communications or involving the CSA, but none of those options are as appealing to the contact blockers out there as a bit of light child abuse, which in essence is all contact blocking is.

Loopy_Girl

OP, just popped on before I go to bed to see how things are and I am delighted to see that there was a resolution.

Good for you, good for your Son and good for the ex (though he won't see it like that right now I guess!!)

You're right, your Son deserves the best but then so does you and your baby daughter - be a good Mum and look at everyone's point of view but don't be a doormat;)

Take care

LG x

Loopy_Girl

ford_prefect wrote: »

Its not a "fact" its a supposition by the OP that he would do that. Add to that your other assumptions and we have a whole lot of nothing.

Umm actually it was a fact. She asked again and said if he couldn't help out more then the contact visits would need to be decreased - to which he agreed to immediately.

Granted he phoned back and changed his mind but he did do what the OP thought.

I am guessing that you haven't got to that post yet as you were tripping over yourself to give the big 'children as weapons' speech.

The fact is she could not afford the visits - she was not contact blocking, she was looking for a resolution.

I really can't be arsed dealing with another idignant and tunnel visioned NRP to be honest so hopefully you will get to the part where it's all turned out well for all concerned - which is all anyone can ask for.