"so why don't you want children?"

Hermia

missbishi wrote: »

Your comment that child rearing is more important than almost any other job is, quite frankly, insulting to those who cannot (or have MC), or do not wish to conceive. Would you say that to poor Lily Allen for example? Could you elaborate on which jobs are more important than child rearing?

I have a childless friend who is a neurologist. She is quite brilliant (she got her PhD at a stupidly young age) and is heavily involved in some cutting-edge research into dementia. She has had people tell her that no job is as important than rearing a child which annoys her as her research could help millions of people. I'm afraid whenever anyone says this to me I tend to point out that I live in a rough area and see a lot of people who are not contributing to society by having kids!

IMO, all people are important to society. People who are bringing up the future generation as well people who make things and provide services.

Plans_all_plans

In my mind there is no job more important than raising your own child. Why does looking after your own child put feminism back? I find it liberating myself!

Tesco_points_addict

I don't want children because I'm sure I woldn't be a very good mother:o. I cannot function without at least 8 hours a night sleep, i really don't like babies, they are lovely from about 4 to 11 but you cannot have one and give it back can you:eek:.

I'm just not maternal, I knew from the age of about 17 years that children were not part of my 'life plan'. I have a lovely husband but children are just not right for us. (I'm 38 now)

Life is about making your own decisions, we are living in 2011.

I don't have a high flying career but i'm happy the way things are.

I have to say, even though I don't want children I do feel desperately for the people who cannot actually make that decision for themselves, it must be dreadful to want to be a parent and it just doesn't happen:(

My mum has always respected my choice, she treats my dog and cat like her grandchildren!

missbishi

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

In my mind there is no job more important than raising your own child. Why does looking after your own child put feminism back? I find it liberating myself!

Plans, I never said raising your own child puts feminism back. It was a comment on the lines of "why would i want to go to work when my husband earns a wage" which I was remarking on.

kafkathecat

Miss Bishi you read an awful lot into my comment. I know what feminism is because I am one but am constantly disappointed by the obsession with paid work that has hijacked the feminist movement (at least in the media). Mothers are now expected to work and hand their children over to other women to raise to keep the economy going. If it goes wrong it will still be the mum's fault of course. I don't want to derail this discussion. I do not think having children is any more important than many jobs and we can all be involved in children's futures in some way whether we are parents or not; I said raising not producing.
Someone earlier said they didn't have children because they were selfish; but it is equally selfish to have children if not moreso. Each to their own I would say.

andrealm

missbishi wrote: »

Plans, I never said raising your own child puts feminism back. It was a comment on the lines of "why would i want to go to work when my husband earns a wage" which I was remarking on.

If that's a woman's personal opinion and choice, why does that put feminism back?
I didn't realise that feminism was about denying women choices on how to live their lives.

RadoJo

kafkathecat wrote: »

I think feminism took a wrong turn there. Raising a child is more important than almost any other job. We should value what women do instead of trying to be like men. Anyway, working class women have always had to work.

I don't see why this is an issue of feminism - is raising a child only important if a woman does it?

Either way, I am disappointed that a thread which started off being about how unpleasant it is to have others' judgemental assumptions thrust upon you has turned into another argument over what women should be doing with regards to work and children - can we not agree that each individual's circumstances are different, so it's probably best to assume that everyone's doing whatever's best for them rather than making generalisations?

ceridwen

Hermia wrote: »

I have a childless friend who is a neurologist. She is quite brilliant (she got her PhD at a stupidly young age) and is heavily involved in some cutting-edge research into dementia. She has had people tell her that no job is as important than rearing a child which annoys her as her research could help millions of people. I'm afraid whenever anyone says this to me I tend to point out that I live in a rough area and see a lot of people who are not contributing to society by having kids!

IMO, all people are important to society. People who are bringing up the future generation as well people who make things and provide services.

Well you just tell her from me that she is doing a brilliant job exactly "where she is". Dementia is a huge scourge afflicting our society - and if she is putting effort into dealing with that - then, believe me, her life is a SERIOUSLY worthwhile one:T

How DARE anyone try and make out she is doing a less "worthwhile" job than having children. ANY darn fool can have children - and many do - but it takes serious brains/commitment/etc to do what your friend is doing and all power to her elbow for it.

poorbutrich

summerday wrote: »

To be honest, I think asking people why they haven't got children is a rude question full stop, and don't know why people insist on asking it. Don't get me wrong, no problem with people asking IF I have kids, to which you can simply reply yes or no.

We are trying for a baby, having suffered one miscarriage, and every time someone asks me WHY I haven't got kids, I really don't want to get into discussions about the miscarriage, it being stressful trying etc- it's my private business! And for people who haven't got them because they don't want them, they no doublt don't want to have to explain why not. I know for sure I have never asked anyone why they haven't got kids, it seems like far too personal a question for someone who isn't an extremely close friend, who no doubt would tell you if they wanted you to know anyway!

Rant over, sorry.

You have put this so eloquently - I am in the same boat as you having had a couple of miscarriages. My friends and family seem to be going through a mad baby frenzy (I have spent more on baby presents and clothes than mortgage these past few months!)

This has led to the CONSTANT refrain of "You'll be next -wink, wink" or "you'd better hurry up as time is running out". Or the thoughtful one recently from my OH's friend who asked if we were "bothering to celebrate Christmas as it's not really a proper Christmas when you don't have children".

It's not a childless v children debate - we just all need to celebrate each other's decisions and appreciate that we're all different.

sp1987

Ironically the same people who ask childless women why they don't have kids again and again are often the same ones who can't fathom why a woman would want her own job and shock horror, to use her own brain.

I absolutely love being a mother, but it is not for everyone. I can't stand when people push others for an answer on it. You wouldn't ask 'why have you been breeding?' the same way some people ask 'why haven't you been breeding?'. People have children or don't have children for a myriad of reasons and that is 100% up to them.