"so why don't you want children?"

SandC

rosered1963 wrote: »

I get asked all the time why me and my husband don't have children, and if we are trying for children, even though the people who ask me know that I have only been married (for the first time) for two years and am 47! I have recently started a new job and every person there has asked me this question. The men say " you don't look your age - you can still have kids" The women say "Why haven't you got children - don't you like them?" I am used to answering this now. I just tell them straight - I met the right man too late. I didn't want to have children unless I was absolutely certain that I had a man who would be with me long-term (as sure as you can be) to give children stability and the love of both parents. That's what I had and I wouldn't bring children into the world with anything less. To some women, having children is so important that they allow themselves to become pregnant even when the relationship is bad, transient, or on its way out. (Many of my friends have done this and all of them are single parents now - that's ok, but they aren't very happy.) One of the few things in life I am proud of is that I never did this.

I do laugh when people say to me "But who will look after you in your old age?". That's so funny. I look out for 4 old people in my village - do their shopping, paperwork, heavy work around the house, help them when they are ill, and they can always ring me when they have a problem or worry. All of them have grown-up children and grandchildren, but apart from 2 visits a year - Christmas and Easter, their children are never around for them at all.

I agree with all of this, of course, often we can feel as if we have 'the one' in our lives only for it to go wrong down the line. Although I have seen a lot of what you have witnessed.

As for the 47 being still young enough for kids. Well, yes. If we go with nature then it's our body's will to have children until it decides not to. However, I'm a 70's child who had 'old' parents and it's still a bit of a stigma today. People still express surprise when they ask if I tell them, had they still been about my parents would be 82 and 80. It doesn't seem to compute that means they were 42 and 40 when they had me.

tbourner

My dad was 40 and my mum 35 when I was born. I think 30 is about the right age for a woman to have kids TBH.

shellsuit

tbourner wrote: »

My dad was 40 and my mum 35 when I was born. I think 30 is about the right age for a woman to have kids TBH.

And what some of those 30 year olds aren't in a relationship and don't have a job? Would you still say 30 is the right age?



I don't think there is a right age. There are right circumstances that women should be in to have a baby, and age doesn't come into it.

SandC

I've always said, if your body says yes then that's fine!

From viewing it from the outside in, for me personally actually now I've reached 40 it seems to me that those who had children younger are in a good place. I've facebook friends who are now having the time of their lives now their kids are older and at uni or working. They are financially okay cos they learnt at a young age about budgeting etc.

But I might have thought differently if I had more contacts who were into travelling etc., which is probably best experienced before settling down. It just seems the older ones were waiting to get financially sorted when in reality you never really are, what you earn, you spend so they would struggle just as much as the ones who had kids before they reached 20 as they didn't know any different. Then again all my friends worked straight from school or sixth form/teritiary colleges - none of them had to rely on benefits or did uni - the ones who went to uni typically waited until around 30 before having children.

tbourner

shellsuit wrote: »

And what some of those 30 year olds aren't in a relationship and don't have a job? Would you still say 30 is the right age?

I don't think there is a right age. There are right circumstances that women should be in to have a baby, and age doesn't come into it.

I just meant as an average, obviously situation is most important and this whole thread is more relevant (ie: Do you actually want kids), but we started moving on to age to have kids and whether 47 is too old, I just chucked in my tuppence.

shellsuit

tbourner wrote: »

I just meant as an average, obviously situation is most important and this whole thread is more relevant (ie: Do you actually want kids), but we started moving on to age to have kids and whether 47 is too old, I just chucked in my tuppence.

If a woman is 47, healthy, plus she is financially sound and is in a loving relationship, then I don't think it's too old at all.

Put any age into the above and it's still the right age.

SandC

I agree with that but as I said above I have had comments over the years about how old my parents are. Of course there are far more people choosing to have theirs late than there were back then so it won't be so unusual I suppose.

I'm 40 and consider myself too old now, not that I wanted any but even if I changed my mind a bit..... nah.

shellsuit

I'm 35 and consider myself too old to have anymore now.

My body just wouldn't take it after my last pregnancy in 2008/09.

Tropez

Neither my partner or I want children. I don't want them because I don't believe I would be a particularly good father and my partner has her own reasons.

We don't really get any comments though, perhaps because we're not married. My mother has occasionally made suggestions about depriving her of grandkids or not continuing the family line or something (this is just ignoring the fact that the family line is perfectly protected by other members of the family with kids) but that is about as far as it has gone.

KxMx

I want kids but won't be having them. Having "caught" one auto-immune disorder and developed another (genetics probably) I just can't take the risk of having a child and knowingly put them through the hell I am, or rushing them to A&E every few days through being over protective, or having a mother who may need care at some point.

I am just 23 so 20 years to change my mind but I musn't ever forget what i'm going through now, so it's unlikely to happen.

Whoever said doing the right thing is easy?