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How to tell them I'm having suicidal thoughts
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blondie_girl
Posts: 10 Forumite
Hi everyone. I'm a regular poster but I'm using another username. This is a difficult post to write but here goes.
I am currently under a lot of stress at work (and a few other personal issues) and I really feel like I'm having a breakdown and I can't cope. I'm crying all the time and my heart is racing, my stomach hurts (feels like it's in knots) and I feel sick. I am constantly thinking of suicide, it feels like some kind of defence mechanism, as soon as I begin to get stressed out I just keep thinking about it.
I must point out that I am NOT going to commit suicide, I would never do that to my friends or family. I do have a long history of self harm and depression (since childhood) but I thought I was beating it.
I don't know if I should tell my partner or my parents, I feel like I don't want to worry them espeically as I have no intention of following through with it, but I feel like I can't keep it bottled up. For the past few weeks I've just been constantly thinking about slitting my wrists. But I know no matter how bad it gets I would never do it.
Please give me some advice, I've been blighted by depression for so long I have no idea whether this is normal or not, and if it's ok to think about it but not to do it. I don't want to worry and upset them, and I know my partner would be devestated if I told him, he has already had to put up with me self harming (stopped now, for him) and it would hurt him so much if he knew how I was feeling or what I'm thinking.
Please help, I am crying while writing this
I am currently under a lot of stress at work (and a few other personal issues) and I really feel like I'm having a breakdown and I can't cope. I'm crying all the time and my heart is racing, my stomach hurts (feels like it's in knots) and I feel sick. I am constantly thinking of suicide, it feels like some kind of defence mechanism, as soon as I begin to get stressed out I just keep thinking about it.
I must point out that I am NOT going to commit suicide, I would never do that to my friends or family. I do have a long history of self harm and depression (since childhood) but I thought I was beating it.
I don't know if I should tell my partner or my parents, I feel like I don't want to worry them espeically as I have no intention of following through with it, but I feel like I can't keep it bottled up. For the past few weeks I've just been constantly thinking about slitting my wrists. But I know no matter how bad it gets I would never do it.
Please give me some advice, I've been blighted by depression for so long I have no idea whether this is normal or not, and if it's ok to think about it but not to do it. I don't want to worry and upset them, and I know my partner would be devestated if I told him, he has already had to put up with me self harming (stopped now, for him) and it would hurt him so much if he knew how I was feeling or what I'm thinking.
Please help, I am crying while writing this
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Comments
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How about talking to someone other than your partner or a parent if that is a worry for you? - there are the samitarans who can help or mabye contact your gp and get referred to a counsellor or a mental health nurse who can talk through your feelings and suggest ways to assist with how your feeling - please do talk to someone and get help you do not need to go through this alone ((hugs))0
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hugs to you Blondie girl - You seem to have a very level head and are being very pragmatic about the intensity of your feelings and so you should be able to get through this. I'm not good at advice but didn't want to read and run so will only say that in my experience it has always helped to find someone to talk to (even if its just us on forum rather than 'real life' people at the beginning) I've found being able to vent all my feelings without the associated baggage or guilt of the close relationship really helps to relieve the physical and emotional stresses we can put on ourselves and helps me to figure out a way forward dealing with these issues with my nearest and dearest - that and remembering to take each day at a time.
[ETA] I've also self-harmed under stress and found that this was one of the hardest things for my family to deal with. getting my feelings written down either in a journal or posting so that I can reflect on them when I'm less involved in the heat of the emotion helps me enormously
I'm sure more experienced people will be along to help guide you soon and I hope that you do start to feel less desperate. with hugs FGteam yellow
Can't wait to meet you now baby!0 -
Hi OP
I couldn't read and run. I have no experience to offer you, I'm afraid. But what I can say is that your partner is far more likely to be hurt knowing that you feel this way and don't feel you can talk to him. Tell him. Tell him exactly what you've written here - you're thinking about it, but you're not going to do it, and you need him to help you get through it.
I hope things get better for you very soon.
KiKi' <-- See that? It's called an apostrophe. It does not mean "hey, look out, here comes an S".0 -
Good idea to talk to the Samaritans.
You mention stress and other personal issues - is there anyone close to you that is not involved in these personal issues that you can talk to?
If not, make an appointment to see your doctor asap.
You mention on-going depression which you may or may not be taking medication for, but your doctor should be able to either prescribe medication or change what you are currently taking.
Is your work-related stress because you're busy or are you being bullied at work?
If it's too much work, can you talk to your boss about maybe reviewing and reducing your workload?
If your boss or other colleagues are bullying you, can you talk to someone in Human Resources?0 -
Hun, while the fact that you don't think you would actually go through with these thoughts is good then it doesn't take away from the fact that you sound very depressed at the moment and asking for some help with that is nothing to be ashamed of.
You say you've been depressed for a while, are you seeing anyone for this? If not please book an appointment with your gp as they can offer help and advice and maybe refer to a counsellor or other professional if you wanted some more specialist help.
Also please try speaking to your partner at least about this, if you think it would upset him to know you have been thinking of suicide you could just mention that you have been feeling depressed again lately - then at least he is aware of the situation and can offer you support rather then maybe worrying why you are acting strangely or not understanding why you might be sensitive at the moment. I've previously suffered depression and the feelings of isolation could often be the worst thing so hopefully knowing he is supporting you may help a little.
Will be thinking of you x0 -
You can also email the samaritans at jo@samaritans.org if it is easier to write your thoughts - copy and paste what you wrote above, even.
You say you can't cope - but you also say you won't slit your wrists. So - you are a *strong* person and you *can* get through this. Having awful thoughts and feelings *does NOT* mean you can't cope - they are normal reactions to abnormal, stressful situations!
Contact samaritans, phone 08457 90 90 90 and let it all out. xxx0 -
Fight it doll - I have had similar thoughts to you - thats what they are though just thoughts - its a way out in your head BUT IT ISNT THAT AT ALL - you will get through this and your life will improve - go and get some help: see your GP and get referred to a professional they will show you ways to counter these thoughts; no one dear to you need know. - All the best and remember you are not alone. x.0
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Thanks everyone for your replies. I may talk to the samaritins
I have been on antidepressants before and swore never again. I have had counselling on and off for many years and the conclusion by professionals was that I struggle with depression, there is no known cause and I can choose to live on antidepressants for the rest of my life or cope without. I chose to cope without and normally do quite well with my own coping mechanisms, and being able to recongise before it all becomes too much rather than too late. Maybe I will have to go back to the gp.
The way I am feeling is directly brought on by work stress, which is a situation that is unlikely to change in the immidiate future. Goiung off sick is not an option. There is no support for me at work and no HR as such. Personal issues are not too bad, just thinking about money and moved to a new area so haven't really got many friends, so that doesn't help. I feel I am not coping very well at all.
Thank you for your help, I am feeling a little better. I was just feeling so alone, and worried about talking to the few people I have to help me. I don't want to cause my loved ones any pain by knowing I am in a mess.0 -
I've been on anti-depressants, on two occasions.
The first time, I found it very difficult to accept that I needed them. I fought it for a long time, and really beat myself up about it.
Now here's the thing you need to think over: anti-d's are chemicals, right? They alter the chemical balance in your brain. If you are depressed, your chemicals (serotonin?) is out of kilter and the anti-d's restore the balance you should have. So that you feel better. It's not your fault that your serotonin is all over the place. My fella is diabetic. Would I tell him to stop injecting insulin, because "everybody else can cope with sugar, why can't you?" - no, of course I wouldn't! If you were diabetic, would you take insulin to keep your body's balance - and stay alive? I bet you would.
So if anti-d's help you - TAKE THEM - it's a medicine like any other, and there are no prizes for "coping without them". Seriously. I have BEEN there, I know how it feels - but change how you see them. It's not YOU - it's just chemicals that are gone to pot a bit at the moment.0 -
I think you should tell you partner. If it was me I think I would be more hurt that I didn't know, than if I found out what you were thinking. Your partner probably thinks/hopes that you can talk to him about anything and he can give you help and support, after all he is with you because he cares about you.
I don't really have any relevant experience but I do know that it can be a great load of your mind to tell someone something that you have been bottling up inside.
Hope things get better for you soon.0
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