Colleague issue

jd87

I've only just come across this thread and after reading it all the way through I don't have anything to add except for one thing...

sho_me_da_money: The purpose of the thread is to provide help and support to the OP. I know it's a free internet and all that, but PLEASE GO AWAY.

ceridwen

gwen80 wrote: »

I cannot understand what must have been going on in his head. I think part of my problem (and a lot of my problems) is that I'm somebody who needs to understand things. I'm curious, ask a lot of questions and try to understand things and I cannot understand this. I've tried to do some reading about it, but there seems to be a few different theories about why people do this. Opinions appreciated...

Gwenx

Re the Facebook "defriending" - thinking about it = that was quite obviously going to happen and instantly. He hasnt been able to resist that little dig - never mind. Just tell yourself "Shoulda seen THAT little one coming - but it IS only a little one. Never mind. Forget it."

As for understanding his motives - some of us (ie including you and I) tend to have logical explanations for our own actions and expect other people to do so too. A lot of other people simply don't operate that way. Think of it logically - if everyone only operated logically then the human race wouldnt be constantly embroiled in war after war after...

He keeps his brains in his trousers - he feels like it...so he instantly does it. He doesnt even stop to think logically about it - as in "I want to...should I or shouldnt I?...what will the effect be if I do?"

I've had a situation with a man before now (long story) where I thought "For him to act like that - I must mean a LOT to him and was waiting for the Relationship Proper to start" - but...no....it seems to have been another case of "His brain in his trousers" and he hadnt actually thought it through at all it would seem. I spent literally years waiting for my explanation/the Relationship Proper to start and it never did. In the end - I just had to think "Put it there on the backburner ceridwen - one of these days all will become clear - but theres absolutely nothing I can do to make it clear now/to understand why he acted as he did."

It is intensely frustrating to be someone - as we both are - who expects/wants to understand the motives everyone has for everything - but sometimes we just can't - because they're not aware of them themselves and we can't see what those motives are because of their own lack of awareness.

Some people are self-destructive. I would imagine the man concerned has a level of self-destructiveness and this is his way/one of his ways of bringing Retribution down on his head. To someone who ISNT self-destructive - then we simply don't/cant hope to understand the motives of those who ARE self-destructive.

ceridwen

Yep...agree that Gwen is likely to have to face "arguments"/detractors ITRW once this all comes fully out into the open.

Hence my post earlier to the effect that if even "superhuman" people get criticised - then "ordinary people in the street" are going to come in for some criticism/detractors as well. Because thats what life is like - unfortunately. It's fair to mention to Gwen that there is likely to be some level of criticism ITRW - so that she is mentally prepared for this. Also right to mention to Gwen that provided SHE knows she's right (as she does) and that most people know she's right (as most of us - including myself - do) then that is "enough and good enough" to manage with.

Wouldnt it be lovely if there never was any criticism/detractors when someone is obviously "in the right"? - but thats not the "way of the world" unfortunately. We all think "What?!!!! How could they?" and go off and get angry/upset at those times when we are right - but someone persists in criticising us
- so stay strong Gwen if this happens to you before this has all been settled.

Sambucus_Nigra

Gwen - the facebook defriending is just another way of trying to play you. You should have done it first but you didn't. It doesn't matter. Move on.

blue_monkey_2

I'd say he has been told by HR to have no contact with you while this is sorted out so has had to do it to ensure damage limitation.

gwen80

globetraveller wrote: »

I think you have been very brave. Its all very well giving advice to take action but I wonder just how many would take that action if they were in your shoes. (of course, you have support from a couple who have gone through similar experiences).
Goodness knows how many have not taken action because they worry about any negativity towards them. I'm not sure I could be as brave as you ( would like to think I could be)
Edit to add- I tried pming you but your inbox is full. If you are using your real name and colleagues can recognise you then it might be worth a name change.

Thanks globetraveller. I think it is easy to say 'report him, report him' when you're not in that situation and you don't have the hassle of doing the reporting and you don't have to deal with the aftermath. I'm aware that when it all comes out there may be people at work who say 'you grassed him up' or 'you should have done this or that', but it's really easy to say what you would have done when you're not faced with the reality of the situation.

I've cleared some room in my inbox now My habit of not deleting emails/messages was actually useful in this case

gwen80

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Gwen - the facebook defriending is just another way of trying to play you. You should have done it first but you didn't. It doesn't matter. Move on.

One of the reasons I didn't 'defriend' him first was that as far as I am aware, people at work do not know that he is suspended. I think a couple of my colleagues might have noticed that I've not been myself the last couple of weeks, but they could easily think it's the reorganisation or something else outside of work. If I'd have defriended him, it makes it obvious that there's a problem between us. His absence is likely to become more noticeable after the Christmas break (i.e. I haven't seen Mr Flasher for a while...is he still on holiday?), if they also notice that we are no longer 'friends' on facebook they might start asking me questions, which I don't really want. It was just a way of trying to minimise any attention drawn to the situation.

By remaining 'friends' on facebook, it didn't mean that I was ever going to contact him. I'm not that stupid.

I messaged my colleague about it who thinks that it's childish and is a way of 'having the last word'. I was wondering if he might have told his wife that somebody at work has 'accused' him of exposing himself and she's said something along the lines of 'she's a troublemaker - delete her from facebook'. I may be overthinking it though and I have to accept that I won't know what he's telling other people around him about this incident and they may well hate me for 'falsely accusing him'.

Gwenx

Errata

Gwen - if I've remembered correctly, you have to give a statement to the police on 4 Jan? You can ask for someone from Victim Support to give you some support if it would help. Sometimes just talking things over with them and knowing they're on the other end of a phone can be a great help.

gwen80

Errata wrote: »

Gwen - if I've remembered correctly, you have to give a statement to the police on 4 Jan? You can ask for someone from Victim Support to give you some support if it would help. Sometimes just talking things over with them and knowing they're on the other end of a phone can be a great help.

Thanks Errata, it's the 5th Jan. My Mum's friend works voluntarily for Victim Support and she is coming round again this afternoon. She has offered to come with me, but as she lives approximately 50 miles away from me, I don't want to ask her to make that journey. I think I might call up my local Victim Support office though.

Errata

It might be best if you use your local VS. They will be neutral, not saying your mum's friend won't be, and if you're 'on their books' they are there if you need them and no harm done if you don't.