Colleague issue

sho_me_da_money

MissDelilah wrote: »

a poll by who exactly?! Readers of the Daily Star?!

She did say something to him early on, have you not read through this thread?

And what is she supposed to say to him, "Don't send me filthy emails or I'll report you, you pervert"

If this was to happen to your wife or girlfriend how would you react then?! Would you then say to them "You have to accept some of the blame sweetheart, for egging this pervert on?!" I think not.

You're obviously stuck in the dark ages with your attitudes here. And from some of your replies (and also fairly newly married it would seem from your back posts) it wouldn't surprise me if you were of a similar ilk to the OP's abuser. People like you disgust me. :mad:

Listen mate, Im nothing like that guy. I'm actually very respectful towards females believe it or not.

What is a person like him going to do [eventually] when you the OP sits quiet????? She let it go on longer than she should. It's a good thing she reported him now. Could you imagine if she didn't? - He'd be dipping his Milkybar in her coffee on Tuesday....

And YES that is EXACTLY what she should have sent him. EXACTLY.

RacyRed

Saying what Gwen should or should not have done in the past is a waste of time. She is where she is now and that is a very unpleasant place to be.

You really do not appear to appreciate that you have the luxury of applying hindsight to this situation. Gwen did not have that luxury as events were unfolding for her. She could hardly have guessed that the guy would be so stupid as to expose himself to her or I'm sure she would have acted differently. Continually pointing that out to her at this stage is making her difficult situation worse. I sincerely hope that is not your intention?

gwen80

sho_me_da_money wrote: »

Listen mate, Im nothing like that guy. I'm actually very respectful towards females believe it or not.

What is a person like him going to do [eventually] when you the OP sits quiet????? She let it go on longer than she should. It's a good thing she reported him now. Could you imagine if she didn't? - He'd be dipping his Milkybar in her coffee on Tuesday....

And YES that is EXACTLY what she should have sent him. EXACTLY.

I'm considering having this thread closed because it's all a bit too much, but before I do, I want to make this absolutely crystal clear for what feels like the billionth time.

1. I spoke to him face to face about the emails. I said that I enjoyed his company as a friend, but the inappropriate emails would have to stop. I was happy to chat about work or whatever else, but not the emails about me, my body or making rude suggestions. I wanted us to remain friends if it was at all possible, but if the emails didn't stop, I'd have to report him. In case anybody's still unsure...I ASKED THE EMAILS TO STOP.

2. The last inappropriate email I received was on the day of the exposure. Prior to that the last inappropriate email I received was in March. After so long I thought he'd finally got the message. After all he got married in November - I thought he was bucking his ideas up as he should have been.

3. I've had an awful lot going on in my life these last few years. The last thing I needed was a sexual harassment case aswell. I could cope with the emails, I didn't need the hassle of this sort of case. I'd made it clear I didn't want them and he'd stopped for 9 months. My psychic powers must have let me down because I never, ever imagined he would indecently expose himself, let alone touch up other women aswell. Should I now be saying to every man I know 'in case you're unsure, I never want you to indecently expose yourself to me'?

I'm utterly astonished at these ideas. On the day that we snogged over two years ago, I went into his house for a drink. Would it have been my fault if he'd have forced himself on me? After all, I 'sat quiet' and agreed to go in for a cup of tea and a chat, could he have seen that as me 'egging him on'? Would I have shared the blame? I'd have got what was coming to me? Bottom line is if you don't know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behaviour, you've got a problem. Indecent exposure is illegal.

Munketytunkety

Md80 mini dv camera or a cheap spy cam pen. Both under £25 and if you catch him on film you have him bang to rights.

belly_dancing_girl

gwen80 wrote: »

Hello

I've decided to revisit this thread. I'm not sure whether it's a good idea or not :undecided I had my interview with HR the week before Christmas. He had his interview straight afterwards.

I've just been on facebook. I've been avoiding it like the plague...scared what I might find on there. He's unfriended me, which is fine and it's saved me a job, but now I feel guilty. Then I feel angry that I feel guilty. I'm scared that when it all comes out at work people will think I'm the b1tch that got him into trouble and I'm just a troublemaker. It's just horrible and I've tried to enjoy Christmas, but it hasn't been easy. I've felt really down at times. I hate this situation And I can imagine him enjoying his Christmas as if he doesn't have a care in the world...the same way as he was wandering around work before he got suspended...

I also reported it to the police before Christmas. I have to go on 5th January to make a statement. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing or not. Am I just sticking the knife in even further? Is it unnecessary? Or am I doing the right thing?

What scares me more than anything was the fact that after he'd done that, he managed to act completely normally and even had the nerve to have his hands all over one of the younger girls at the Christmas do the following day. If it was unintentional, wouldn't you be sh1tting yourself that you'd get into trouble for it anyway?? Wouldn't you be steering well clear of any situations that could get you into further trouble. And why (in the case of Friday) would you hang around the girl who's accused you of indecently exposing yourself to her? Wouldn't you avoid me, in case you're 'falsely' accused of anything else?

He's proved himself capable of something I never thought he could do and even more frightening, he's proved that he can behave as if nothing has happened. It's quite scarey in somebody you thought was a friend. What with the Joanna Yeates case in the news, it's left me even less trusting of people than I was before, if that's possible

Gwenx

Hi Gwen.

I just wanted to say that I think that you are EXTREMELY brave. It is SO easy for people to say "do this" or "do that", but when you are in the situation, it's very different.

I have been sexually harassed at work and, although I am considered to be a very confident and intelligent person, I felt as if I was to blame in some way and was too embarassed to report it. He was dismissed over something else, but - to this day - I regret not standing up for myself.

There was no past friendship with him and so I think you are even more brave to report it because of your one-off kiss.

I wish you all the very best of luck with the case. I know it is hard, but try to enjoy your break. Believe me, he is putting on a front (or is genuinely mentally ill) - either way, he is not a happy person to be doing these things.

You have done a wonderful thing protecting other women and, as I think you are now realising, it could have escalated to something even worse if not reported.

xxx

ceridwen

Hi Gwen

It is a real pity that there have been a few posts on this thread that have been more because the person posting wanted to put them (for some reason....) - rather than out of a genuine desire to try and help you. Unfortunately this sort of person cannot resist "getting their comments in too" - even if they are totally irrelevant/a "downer" to the O.P.

Please do stick with it on this thread though. Before I had seen the post by DVardysShadow pointing out that you may want to come back and revisit the thread at some point with future queries on this - I had also thought that.

So - I would suggest that you DO keep it open. Your choice obviously as to whether to - its your thread...so its your call on this.

I really really do hope that the "troublesome" posters will stop posting on this thread now and just leave it free for those of us who ARE genuinely trying to help. Just take it that most of us really are on your thread for all the right reasons and are endeavouring only to make comments that are genuinely helpful.

Take care.

RacyRed

Gwen, I'm so sorry that this thread is adding to your stress.

I also hope that you will come back and update us when you can.

Good luck with the police interview, I'll be thinking of you.

Wyndham

I've been lurking but not saying anything, but want to say this now. Gwen, you did the right thing, please remember that. I think it's very unfair that by doing this you feel how you feel - but it's not always easy to do the right thing even though it is, well, right! But when you look back on this in years to come I think you will be proud that you did stand up and be counted. And if you hadn't, then you would know that wasn't the best course of action overall.

If only these things were black and white it would be so much easier! So please, stay strong, stick to your guns and do what you have to do.

gwen80

gwen80 wrote: »

I have confronted him about it. I sent him an email asking him if he'd been aware that he was exposing himself. He replied saying 'I wasn't, was I? If I was, it was certainly unintentional' We then had a very brief face to face chat where I said that I wasn't very happy about what had happened. He apologised and said he hadn't intended for it to happen and I said 'But you cannot sit around the office with your **** out'. He said 'I know' and looked quite upset at that point. Then I said 'It needs to stop. That needs to never happen again and the emails and everything. I want it to stop'. I said I didn't want to wreck his life by reporting him, but if he continued, I'd have no alternative. So that is the state of things at the moment

Gwenx

I've been rereading the thread and have realised I've missed out an important part. Probably because I didn't realise the importance myself at the time, I was such a mess. It was only when I showed the emails to a friend that she pointed out that one in particular is pretty much an admission. He emailed me saying 'I wasn't, was I? If I was, it was certainly unintentional' He also asked how he'd been exposing himself. I replied saying 'Yes you were. Out of your jeans'. He replied saying 'I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to be...'

All the emails have been passed onto HR now, so it's in their hands. Dreading work this week.

Gwenx

BitterAndTwisted

No man could possibly inadvertently expose himself without being aware of it, especially if said member was completely outside of his clothing. That's one of the things that underwear comes in handy for. He knew all right and he's a devious so-and-so for pretending otherwise but I suspect that's all part of the picture in any case. I sincerely hope that he's having many sleepless nights about this. If I were an HR person I'd be thinking about what other risky behaviour he thinks is OK.