Colleague issue

peachyprice

gwen80 wrote: »

I messaged my colleague about it who thinks that it's childish and is a way of 'having the last word'. I was wondering if he might have told his wife that somebody at work has 'accused' him of exposing himself and she's said something along the lines of 'she's a troublemaker - delete her from facebook'. I may be overthinking it though and I have to accept that I won't know what he's telling other people around him about this incident and they may well hate me for 'falsely accusing him'.

Gwenx

I do think you are over thinking the facebook thing. I bet he got home after being suspended, though to himself 'What a b!tch' (not that you are) deleted you, and hasn't given it a second thought since.

MrRedundant

Why have you been discussing it with a colleage again?

RacyRed

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Of course. But so what. I'm not making the arguments, so you are wasting effort trying to argue me down on them.

Because you have totally missed the point. These are all arguments gwen will have to face down, whether we agree with them or not. If you want to engage with the point I am making, you need to either agree that gwen may face these arguments or argue that she will not.

I'd not intended to argue with you personally, you are quite right to point out that Gwen may have to face these arguements and it might be very helpful for her to see this debated.

Sorry I hadn't made my intentions clear and got straight into the counter arguements and I hope Gwen agrees that this could be a useful debate?

gwen80

MrRedundant wrote: »

Why have you been discussing it with a colleage again?

For heavens sake! I sent a message to my colleague (the one I confided in the day after the incident and also accompanied me to my meeting with HR). She already knows all about it, I trust her keep it to herself and HR have already made it clear to both of us that this issue should be kept confidential.

FatVonD

sho_me_da_money wrote: »

Agreed.

As I said his actions are inexcusable. The guy is a filthy so and so but I dont think he would just whip it out randomly unless he had reason to believe this lady would be OK with it.

Obviously she wasn't.

However, on the balance of probability, I would imagine that there was flirtatious (harmless maybe) history going on between the two. I am not going to believe for one second that this guy woke up one morning, went into work, asked her to model some underwear and finally decided to whip his member out. Something in his head (other than the lack of his brain cells) made him feel he could do that.

And that's where I think the OP failed. She failed in communicating to him clearly that his emails and suggestions were troubling her and any further action would result in her reporting him to the manager.

The guy will not be able to justify what he did and will probably get dismissed for his actions but I bet you he will show evidence (be it emails, texts etc) to show the OP was batting the ball back so to speak.

Given the history between the two, be it a long time ago or not,I do not believe this was a random incident on a random day that just happened because he forgot to take his pills.

Again, the majority is on your side and for good reason. I am merely giving you my opinion, which is based on a looking at this on a deeper (psychological) level rather than seeing it in black n white.

I agree their previous history has a bearing.

If this had been an ageing man with a bad comb over and halitosis (and not somebody the OP had previously found attractive) I believe the OP would have communicated her distaste for his approaches far sooner and more forcefully.

Savvy_Sue

ceridwen wrote: »

As for understanding his motives - some of us (ie including you and I) tend to have logical explanations for our own actions and expect other people to do so too. A lot of other people simply don't operate that way. Think of it logically - if everyone only operated logically then the human race wouldnt be constantly embroiled in war after war after...

and here's another! and at the risk of a huge generalisation, we women have so often been accused of being irrational / over emotional / illogical etc etc etc that it comes as a huge shock to realise that many men are not the logical sensible rational type either! and so many of them keep their brains in their trousers long after we expect it.

gwen80

FatVonD wrote: »

I agree their previous history has a bearing.

If this had been an ageing man with a bad comb over and halitosis (and not somebody the OP had previously found attractive) I believe the OP would have communicated her distaste for his approaches far sooner and more forcefully.

Why is his behaviour my responsibility? I would never dream of emailing my colleagues commenting on their !!!! or their bum or anything like that, nor asking them to model for me, let alone expose myself to another colleague. I wouldn't do it for several reasons including a. it just wouldn't occur to me and b. I know I'd be putting myself at risk of being accused of sexual harassment.

I told him the emails were inappropriate. If he doesn't know that his behaviour constitutes sexual harassment and a criminal offence (in the case of the indecent exposure) is it my responsibility to educate him?

RosaBernicia

gwen80 wrote: »

...his behaviour put me in a lose-lose situation. Once he'd exposed himself, there was no happy ending. I'd either be still crying at my desk, scared what he might do next or I'd be where I am, which is slightly better than the first option, but not a happy place either. Do you understand that?

Gwenx

:T absolutely. He crossed a line, not you. And you did the right thing.

I don't agree with the comments about how a smart retort or a quick word would have fixed it. First, you shouldn't have to take responsibility for controlling his actions appropriately - he's an adult. Second, people like that don't listen. They will just prey on people who don't feel able to stand up to them.

(And for the umpteenth time, his being an idiot you once snogged several years ago has no relevance to his now being an idiot who doesn't appear to understand the rules of office behaviour. When the relationship changes, the rules change. Most people are fully capable of understanding that, and I do think you made it clear that the situation had changed. What on earth is the alternative - that anyone I might have a relationship with has the right to sexually harass me forever after until given a detailed list of unacceptable conduct and all forms of communication ceased? Grrrrrr.)

gwen80 wrote: »

I was wondering if he might have told his wife that somebody at work has 'accused' him of exposing himself and she's said something along the lines of 'she's a troublemaker - delete her from facebook'. I may be overthinking it though Gwenx

I think you are probably overworrying this. He can't very well maintain an FB link with you if you have both been told to have no contact, and it would look very odd to everyone else if he deleted his account altogether. It's the only sensible option, he just hit the button slightly before you got there. As you said, saved you a job. I don't think defriending shows up on other people's news feeds, so hopefully other people won't notice.


I would second the comment earlier though about making sure you're not identifiable online.

Hugs and happy New Year (it will be!)

Rosa xx

sho_me_da_money

FatVonD wrote: »

I agree their previous history has a bearing.

If this had been an ageing man with a bad comb over and halitosis (and not somebody the OP had previously found attractive) I believe the OP would have communicated her distaste for his approaches far sooner and more forcefully.

EXACTLY.

If he was minging, she'd have reported him time ago but because he was someone she once fancied, she let it go on longer than what was necessary thus sending out mixed signals (mixed signals meaning = I am
comfortable with your behaviour for the time being).

Happy New Year Peeps!

whitewing

gwen, reporting it to the police is exactly the right thing to do.