Colleague issue

gwen80

sho_me_da_money wrote: »

Bit of a tough one but I don't agree with the view most users have taken on here.

Everyone is absolutely right in saying that what he did was totally unnecessary but just reading through what you've said, I think your past history with him contributed to his confidence becoming bolder.

I am willing to bet that after liking each other and snogging each other (when he was married) made him more confident around you. His confidence probably started off with simple flirting that became worse and finally beyond ridiculous.

Although I agree with that what he did was wrong, I think you had a responsibility to put a cork in it early on in the "relationship". I'm guessing you went along with some playful flirting and before you knew it, !!!!-a-doodle-doo.

I reckon the best way to have dealt with this was to speak to him about it directly or made it more clearer to him that you were troubled by his emails, suggestions etc. As per your first post, he emailed you and asked you to model something, to which you replied "NO". He then followed up with another comment, which you didn/didn't reply to??? I personally feel that not giving him a clear rejection or sign of clear distress led to mixed signals being sent out.

Again, I'm not justifying what he did. But I think people need to start looking beyond the damsel in distress story and recognise you had a responsibility that you failed to exercise too. This may have been a case of "you becoming the author of your own misfortune".

Also be careful at gathering your emails and presenting them as evidence. There may be an argument to say, your replies (whatever they may have been) did not appear as though you showed enough concern, which may suggest you were OK with it and ultimately contributed and led to his stupidity (exposure). If so, there's a case against you for breaching IT policy (misuse of email).

You said, you may be afraid about how others (employees) may see this.....Perhaps it is because most people will think "What a blah blah blah. She liked him, she snogged him knowing he was married, he didn't want to take things further and she snitched him out".

I know im going to get flamed for this post, so let the abuse begin BUT please bare in mind that I am merely playing devils advocate and NOT trying to justify what occurred.

I think there's blame on both of you. His more greater than yours.

Getting the police involved is going to get messy.......

Can I just say that I snogged him over 2 years ago? Before he even met his now wife...he was single, I was single...he didn't want to take things any further...we both moved on.

I have told him previously, face-to-face, that whilst I enjoy his company and emails as a friend, I don't enjoy the rude ones, the ones that comment on my body etc, etc. He apologised and promised to stop sending me emails like that.

Gwenx

gwen80

kev.s wrote: »

you kind of answered your own question, however if he was suspended why would he have been at the works do?

Sorry, this probably sounds really confusing. The work Christmas do was the day after he exposed himself to me and the day after I made the first post on this thread. It was a lunch do. Most people normally stay in town afterwards and carry on drinking, but I went back to the office.

Gwenx

gwen80

RacyRed wrote: »

Read the OP again.

Just to say that my idea of dealing with the emails may have been firm, but I don't really do firm very well. I'm too scared of p1ssing people off to be firm very often. Although I have told him face to face that I don't like the inappropriate emails and they should stop otherwise I'd have to do something about it.

Gwenx

gwen80

I don't know what to make of the situation at all. Mum's friend is coming round again tomorrow, so maybe that'll help. I think I was slightly upset that he had 'defriended' me, if that makes any sense at all. I think it was the realisation that we aren't friends anymore and things have changed forever. I could imagine him being angry at me for reporting him, which made me feel guilty, but then angry because he's the one who flashed himself! I never asked him to do it! I'm sat here feeling guilty and I bet he's sat there blaming me for it all!

I have pondered about all the 'have I encouraged him?' questions. After I'd confided in her about this, I asked my work colleague if my tops were too low. She said she didn't think so. There were a few tops that I stopped wearing when I noticed that his gawping was ridiculous and he has never been quite that bad again, so avoiding those tops has helped. He still generally stares at my boobs though. No other guys I work with behave even slightly like him, so if I was dressing that inappropriately surely I'd know?

With regard to any previous flirting with him, isn't that a bit like saying 'Well you can't complain that they stole your car because you previously let them borrow it...' I have flirted with him previously, but since he got together with his now wife I have made it increasingly clear that I don't want to flirt anymore, I think it's inappropriate and the blatantly inappropriate emails are, well, blatantly inappropriate and I don't want them. I'll agree that with hindsight, I'd definitely have done things differently. Somebody here posted that hindsight is like 20/20 vision...very true. However, I don't think I would have ever foreseen a friend and work colleague exposing themselves to me.

I cannot understand what must have been going on in his head. I think part of my problem (and a lot of my problems) is that I'm somebody who needs to understand things. I'm curious, ask a lot of questions and try to understand things and I cannot understand this. I've tried to do some reading about it, but there seems to be a few different theories about why people do this. Opinions appreciated...

Gwenx

Savvy_Sue

sho_me_da_money wrote: »

As I said his actions are inexcusable. The guy is a filthy so and so but I dont think he would just whip it out randomly unless he had reason to believe this lady would be OK with it.

sho_me, if you are a chap, please could I respectfully suggest that it is NEVER appropriate to let your little friend out of your underpants at your desk. even if you are exhibiting it to someone who's seen it all before, it's just one of those things you don't do. IMO, of course.

Errata wrote: »

What? Like 'Oh, by the way, I know we've only just started talking to each other but please promise me you'll never flash your !!!!!! at me in the middle of the office during working hours'

and my opinion is clearly shared by others. I have never felt the need to say that to anyone, and I hope I never will, because it's just not done!

RacyRed wrote: »

Exposing oneself in the office you work in is not the action of a rational man,

exactly. good grief, is that something I need to spell out to my sons, do you think? we teach our children to keep their private bits private in public - isn't that enough?

Gwen, please stop trying to work out why he behaved as he did. there is no 'reason' for it. and delving into the reasoning of the irrational - that way madness lies!

and thanks for clarifying some of the history: I had no recollection of you saying you'd kissed him recently, ie after he'd married, rather the reverse, so why people had you down for that I have no idea. and I could see ways in which you might hear how he'd behaved to other women which didn't involve you talking inappropriately.

sho_me_da_money

Ok if this has been going on as long as you say it has then why didn't you tell a manager earlier? You not telling a manager earlier is just egging him on to become more bolder and confident.

This is what is bothering me:

"I think I was slightly upset that he had 'defriended' me, if that makes any sense at all. I think it was the realisation that we aren't friends anymore and things have changed forever"

HELLLLLO??? Am I on Mars or something? No it doesn't make sense at all.

1. You grassed him up to HR - possibly dismissed
2. You grassed him up to the boys in blue - possibly locked up or charged
3. He flashed his member to you
4. He is married
5. He sends you inappropriate emails
6. He gropes other girls

His message to you is 100% clear - leave me alone and get the hell out of my life.

Your message is ambiguous - your actions are 100% against him yet your words are sympathetic towards him.

Cmon man, make up your mind. You did what you did, now man up and stand up for what you did. The fact that you're sending out mixed signals makes me feel that the whole "I told him firmly" may also have been interpreted in the same way.

I am not defending what he did because it was absolutely wrong but I'm not not convinced that you did not contribute to his behaviour in any way.

Apologies and good luck.

sho_me_da_money

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

sho_me, if you are a chap, please could I respectfully suggest that it is NEVER appropriate to let your little friend out of your underpants at your desk. even if you are exhibiting it to someone who's seen it all before, it's just one of those things you don't do. IMO, of course.

Who said Anacondas are little friends?

gwen80

sho_me_da_money wrote: »

Ok if this has been going on as long as you say it has then why didn't you tell a manager earlier? You not telling a manager earlier is just egging him on to become more bolder and confident.

I have 'egged him' on?? How exactly? Did I ask him to show me his !!!!? No.

I didn't tell a manager for many reasons. I thought he was stupid and almost certainly would get himself into trouble one day, but I didn't want the hassle. I didn't want to have to give statements, worry about people labelling me a troublemaker or feel guilty for having reported him. I wanted to get a new job and never have to deal with it. Unfortunately, I'm not psychic and while I felt I could cope with the inappropriate emails, I couldn't cope with him exposing himself to me.

sho_me_da_money wrote: »

This is what is bothering me:

"I think I was slightly upset that he had 'defriended' me, if that makes any sense at all. I think it was the realisation that we aren't friends anymore and things have changed forever"

HELLLLLO??? Am I on Mars or something? No it doesn't make sense at all.

No, I'm human and I'm sad that what I had considered a friendship has turned out as badly as this.

sho_me_da_money wrote: »

1. You grassed him up to HR
2. You grassed him up to the boys in blue
3. He flashed his member to you
4. He is married
5. He sends you inappropriate emails
6. He gropes other girls

I rearranged in chronological order for you:

1. He sent me inappropriate emails
2. He got married
3. He sent more inappropriate emails
4. He flashed his member at me
5. I 'grassed him up' to HR
6. He groped other girls
7. I 'grassed him up' to the boys in blue.

Hope that helps

sho_me_da_money wrote: »

His message to you is 100% clear - leave me alone and get the hell out of my life.

Your message is ambiguous - your actions are 100% against him yet your words are sympathetic towards him.

Cmon man, make up your mind. You did what you did, now man up and stand up for what you did. The fact that you're sending mixed signals makes me feel that the whole "I told him firmly" may have been a also been the same too.

Anyways, good luck.

As I think I made clear in my post ('he saved me a job'), I would have defriended him if he hadn't done it anyway. I had no intention of being friends with him after this, it's impossible. That doesn't stop me feeling sad that I've lost a friend though, or feeling sad that the situation is what it is. I'd far rather he hadn't behaved as he has done and we were still mates going for an occasional brew, but that isn't how things are, is it?

Finally, I'm not a man. I've done what I did, it doesn't make me feel good though. You don't seem to be able to comprehend this, but here goes...his behaviour put me in a lose-lose situation. Once he'd exposed himself, there was no happy ending. I'd either be still crying at my desk, scared what he might do next or I'd be where I am, which is slightly better than the first option, but not a happy place either. Do you understand that?

Gwenx

purplerose

Gwen, I just wanted to say good for you for standing up for yourself and telling your manager and the police. What this guy done was wrong and anything that happens to him because of it all is entirely his own fault. Don't feel you need to defend yourself against folk saying you might have "egged him on", a brief flirtation in the past is no licence for some creep to expose themselves at you. I can understand how it feels in the aftermath of such things when the reality sets in and you might start second guessing and regretting the impact of your decision but I think you've done the right thing and who knows what else he could do to you or anyone else if you had said nothing. I hope your work gets things sorted soon and you'll be able to move on in the new year, good luck xx

globetraveller

I think you have been very brave. Its all very well giving advice to take action but I wonder just how many would take that action if they were in your shoes. (of course, you have support from a couple who have gone through similar experiences).
Goodness knows how many have not taken action because they worry about any negativity towards them. I'm not sure I could be as brave as you ( would like to think I could be)