Colleague issue

Errata

Gwen - if a bloke at work got his willy out in front of me they would have heard me screaming in Alaska !!
You've done the right thing, you've conducted yourself properly, and I think perhaps you're going through the same thoughts and feelings that most sexually assaulted women do: it was my fault/my skirt was too short/blouse too low/I must have done something to encourage him. These thoughts are common and natural at this stage, but they're not the rational ones.
When you find yourself raging at him in your mind and calling him all the names under the sun, instead of feeling sorry for him - you'll be in the right place.
Don't ever forget - he was wrong, not you.

sho_me_da_money

Bit of a tough one but I don't agree with the view most users have taken on here.

Everyone is absolutely right in saying that what he did was totally unnecessary but just reading through what you've said, I think your past history with him contributed to his confidence becoming bolder.

I am willing to bet that after liking each other and snogging each other (when he was married) made him more confident around you. His confidence probably started off with simple flirting that became worse and finally beyond ridiculous.

Although I agree with that what he did was wrong, I think you had a responsibility to put a cork in it early on in the "relationship". I'm guessing you went along with some playful flirting and before you knew it, !!!!-a-doodle-doo.

I reckon the best way to have dealt with this was to speak to him about it directly or made it more clearer to him that you were troubled by his emails, suggestions etc. As per your first post, he emailed you and asked you to model something, to which you replied "NO". He then followed up with another comment, which you didn/didn't reply to??? I personally feel that not giving him a clear rejection or sign of clear distress led to mixed signals being sent out.

Again, I'm not justifying what he did. But I think people need to start looking beyond the damsel in distress story and recognise you had a responsibility that you failed to exercise too. This may have been a case of "you becoming the author of your own misfortune".

Also be careful at gathering your emails and presenting them as evidence. There may be an argument to say, your replies (whatever they may have been) did not appear as though you showed enough concern, which may suggest you were OK with it and ultimately contributed and led to his stupidity (exposure). If so, there's a case against you for breaching IT policy (misuse of email).

You said, you may be afraid about how others (employees) may see this.....Perhaps it is because most people will think "What a blah blah blah. She liked him, she snogged him knowing he was married, he didn't want to take things further and she snitched him out".

I know im going to get flamed for this post, so let the abuse begin BUT please bare in mind that I am merely playing devils advocate and NOT trying to justify what occurred.

I think there's blame on both of you. His more greater than yours.

Getting the police involved is going to get messy.......

blue_monkey_2

sho_me_da_money wrote: »

Bit of a tough one but I don't agree with the view most users have taken on here.<snipped>.

And the young girl he was touching up the night after exposing himself? Did she 'ask for it' too?

Errata

I am willing to bet that after liking each other and snogging each other (when he was married) made him more confident around you. His confidence probably started off with simple flirting that became worse and finally beyond ridiculous

Snogging someone, and/or flirting is not an open invitation for them to get their bits out in the office.

ceridwen

Hi Gwen

Stay strong.

Don't feel guilty - you have done nothing to feel guilty about. Just look at the fact that he promptly had his hands all over another woman even AFTER the event. He hasnt got the sense he was born with has he?

So - thats two other women you've noticed he's been making a fool of himself with. How many more might yet emerge?:cool:

You HAVE done the right thing - be sure of that.

Take care.

MonkeySaving?

Should have poured some coffee/tea on the exposed schlong, then everyone in the office could point and laugh at it.

ceridwen

One other point to bear in mind is that whatever ANYONE does in life there will ALWAYS be a critic or two. Thats how life is - and sometimes criticism is more a comment about the person DOING the criticism than the one BEING criticised IYSWIM.

I often tell myself that when criticism comes one must look at how many people are critical and compare it with the number who think I have done the right thing. If the critics are in the minority - then theres a good chance that I am correct in whatever it was I just did.

After all - if even Jesus Christ and Mahatma Ghandi had critics - then its obvious that an "ordinary person in the street" (such as you or I) are going to have a critic or two whatever we do. Dont let it upset you or put your off your stride. If YOU know you're right (as you do) and most people know you are right (as we do) - then thats enough and good enough.

peachyprice

sho_me_da_money wrote: »

I am willing to bet that after liking each other and snogging each other (when he was married) made him more confident around you. His confidence probably started off with simple flirting that became worse and finally beyond ridiculous.

You said, you may be afraid about how others (employees) may see this.....Perhaps it is because most people will think "What a blah blah blah. She liked him, she snogged him knowing he was married, he didn't want to take things further and she snitched him out".

.

You didn't read the whole thread then?

gwen80 wrote: »

The other complicating factor is that there is a tiny bit of history between us...... I used to like him (as more than a friend) and got the impression he liked me ('well, clearly' you're thinking, but not in a pervy way). He seemed nice, normal, intelligent, funny etc, etc and I got the impression that there was a bit of chemistry there. This was all years ago and soon after he'd joined my department.
Gwenx

gwen80 wrote: »

I'm still feeling incredibly guilty. I know I shouldn't, but I'm going to ruin his life. I'm so angry with him for putting me in this situation, where whatever I chose to do would be awful. Why would somebody with a good career, recently married with everything going for him risk it all for this??

booter

Hi Gwen. Hope you get your head together soon. From reading your earlier post, I'd say you're getting there - I think you're just doing the normal "girl" thing of second guessing/doubting everything, and sprinkling it all with a little bit of guilt!

Try and have the attitude of "what's done is done" - you can't rewind and try again. I dare say if you could, then the snog/flirt with this guy would never have happened and he may not have escalated like he did. TBH I think most women in the same position would feel the same as you - the "did I do the right thing" question. It's a killer. The fact is, it's done. You've started the ball rolling, now wait and see how many skittles stay upright.

Sho-me-da-money - I actually agree with parts of your post to a certain extent - however, things (especially at work) have a way of escalating to an unreasonable level without too much warning, at which point, you wonder how it all happened and what the hell you do now. As they say, hindsight is 20/20, and I'm sure Gwen is already doing "shoulda, woulda, coulda" - so now I think is not the time to post criticism, but to offer support.

AnonymousForObviousReason - I think your comment is uncalled for. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

Gwen, this guy obviously isn't wired right - so of course he doesn't feel worried. If he can get his d**k out in the office, he doen't care much about anything! As far as the police involvement, I suspect that whilst they will pay the matter a degree of lip service, as long as your employer is seen to be doing something, I think they'll distance themselves to a certain degree (maybe a warning, as long as he doesn't have a previous record of something similar). I think that the police involvement will in turn prompt your employer to take the matter seriously. Think of it as a "belt and braces" strategy.

Anyway - must get back to the Bailey's (you know, when you've opened it, it must be consumed immediately, otherwise it'll go off!?)

Stay strong Gwen and chin up!

(Having just read through my post, I apologise for my total reliance of cliches. It may be argued that I am a walking cliche - oh well!)

sho_me_da_money

Errata wrote: »

Snogging someone, and/or flirting is not an open invitation for them to get their bits out in the office.

Agreed.

As I said his actions are inexcusable. The guy is a filthy so and so but I dont think he would just whip it out randomly unless he had reason to believe this lady would be OK with it.

Obviously she wasn't.

However, on the balance of probability, I would imagine that there was flirtatious (harmless maybe) history going on between the two. I am not going to believe for one second that this guy woke up one morning, went into work, asked her to model some underwear and finally decided to whip his member out. Something in his head (other than the lack of his brain cells) made him feel he could do that.

And that's where I think the OP failed. She failed in communicating to him clearly that his emails and suggestions were troubling her and any further action would result in her reporting him to the manager.

The guy will not be able to justify what he did and will probably get dismissed for his actions but I bet you he will show evidence (be it emails, texts etc) to show the OP was batting the ball back so to speak.

Given the history between the two, be it a long time ago or not,I do not believe this was a random incident on a random day that just happened because he forgot to take his pills.

Again, the majority is on your side and for good reason. I am merely giving you my opinion, which is based on a looking at this on a deeper (psychological) level rather than seeing it in black n white.