Nice people thread part 3- Nice as pie

vivatifosi

That's sort of good news Pastures. If the discomfort hasn't worstened, you should be able to get through the night without having to call the docs. This means you can call M tomorrow with a fresh head.

If you do need to call the docs, remember what's written down. One more thing you can do. Ask them to ask you closed questions. Forgive me for stating the obvious if you already know what they are, but they are questions beginning things like Is? Do you? etc.... They can be answered by you using yes or no answers and should be easier for you to answer on the phone. That will close down any misunderstanding from open questions such as How do they feel? What are they doing? and stuff. Hopefully it will make it easier on you too.

PasturesNew

LydiaJ wrote: »

Thank you Pastures.

If the discomfort hasn't changedd, what is it that is making you suspect that it's nearly time?

The bleakness, forlornness. The voice, which has now gone up 2 octaves (nearly lost it). The desperation of the look. The old keeps 'rounding things and people up', like a human sheepdog.... like they're making some 'final nest' around themselves. And the unrelenting repeated TV of old shows. And ... it's just the look. Beaten down, forlorn, bleak.

And the phenomenal weightloss (50 pounds in about 2-3 months; 20 pounds in the last month).

And the sunken face/cheeks.

And that haunting forlorn look - it's in the eyes.

PasturesNew

vivatifosi wrote: »

That will close down any misunderstanding from open questions such as How do they feel? What are they doing? and stuff. .

The old is speshul too... but doesn't know it, so the docs don't know it either.

We don't feel...
Ever.

Yes/No answers are all we know.

PasturesNew

The other one can't even make a coffee alone. The old does the shopping, brings in what's decided... and brought in a 4 pint bottle of milk.... the other old has osteoporosis and can't pick it up. So I've had to decant it into something manageable. That one's used to being "looked after". No idea about running a house, paying bills, buying food - never had to do it. And been looked after more and more for the past 8 years or so since breaking a wrist (tripped on a raised slab at the hospital) and then got the osteporosis diagnosis and never recovered that arm/hand/wrist after that. So the other one just took over for the basics.

So now I've got one who is used to being waited on - and one who isn't used to it and doesn't realise they need waiting on. And none of us can communicate at all.

vivatifosi

PasturesNew wrote: »

The old is speshul too... but doesn't know it, so the docs don't know it either.

We don't feel...
Ever.

Yes/No answers are all we know.

Pastures you may not realise it, but what you've written about the old and his weight loss goes to show that you do feel, otherwise you wouldn't understand forlornness.

In terms of your mum, is she speshul too? If she isn't, she is probably experiencing this a bit differently to you. Are there any relatives or friends nearby (not necessarily your siblings, but possibly hers, or her friends) so you know she has got support? When I was saying earlier about getting support for everyone, this is the kind of thing that I meant.

Don't worry about yes and no answers being all you know either. At least people know where they stand with you.

lostinrates

vivatifosi wrote: »

Pastures you may not realise it, but what you've written about the old and his weight loss goes to show that you do feel, otherwise you wouldn't understand forlornness.

this is exactly what I've been trying to think how to say. Even how you introduced the topic shows very real feelings...even if that reality isn't realised IYSWIM. PN, ultimately we all have our own parametres within which to work, and you are doing well. We...which ever of us are online, will be here for you.

In terms of your mum, is she speshul too? If she isn't, she is probably experiencing this a bit differently to you. Are there any relatives or friends nearby (not necessarily your siblings, but possibly hers, or her friends) so you know she has got support? When I was saying earlier about getting support for everyone, this is the kind of thing that I meant.

Don't worry about yes and no answers being all you know either. At least people know where they stand with you.

. If you and he aren't communicative is she not, or is she but with limited outlet in which to ''communicate''...hmm. Difficult to giuess and possibly difficult for PN to know.

LydiaJ

PasturesNew wrote: »

The old is speshul too... but doesn't know it, so the docs don't know it either.

We don't feel...
Ever.

Yes/No answers are all we know.

Pastures, you do feel. Your feelings are apparent to the rest of us from what you write on here. You just can't identify or articulate what you feel, especially face to face. At the moment it seems to me that you feel frustrated and helpless and scared, and probably angry as well. (I may have the wrong feelings in that list, but if those aren't right then I'm sure there are others.) You don't use the words, but it shows in the way you keep repeating "I don't know what to do. They won't tell me. I won't know what to say." You also feel in need of support from people who will listen and be helpful - which is why you're on here posting about it, and why we're doing our best to be there for you.

All the feelings I've mentioned are totally normal and healthy and reasonable responses to the extremely difficult situation in which you find yourself, and I think the level of help and support you're providing to both parents ATM is fantastic.

PasturesNew

vivatifosi wrote: »

In terms of your mum, is she speshul too?

No.

vivatifosi wrote: »

Are there any relatives or friends nearby ... but possibly hers, or her friends) so you know she has got support?

No, she has none. She's never had any, just people she knew at work, 300 miles away/nearly 30 years ago.

vivatifosi wrote: »

When I was saying earlier about getting support for everyone, this is the kind of thing that I meant.

Oh, I had no idea.

PasturesNew

lostinrates wrote: »

. If you and he aren't communicative is she not, or is she but with limited outlet in which to ''communicate''...hmm. Difficult to giuess and possibly difficult for PN to know.

She just wants to vent/moan about him.... to stop her squabbling and !!!!!ing with him. It's all misunderstandings and nobody backing down - and they're mishearing what was said, then arguing about who said what. All just tense stuff.... niggling arguments. Tension.

vivatifosi

Hey Pastures, I'm going to sneak off to bed in a moment but another call you might want to make is to Adult Care Services at Cornwall County Council. I've put a link below. She will still need support even when he dies and they ought to be able to help in practical terms. The good news is that they "say" they help with adults with autism, so they ought to be able to to understand you and your needs and build the right type of communication bridges to get you the help you need. They should be able to work out whether she will need extra help (which might be financial, might be someone coming in to do cleaning, shopping etc). If they can't help, they ought to know people who can in a practical sense and help you get in touch with them. It is their job to do this so don't let them put you off.

http://www.cornwall.gov.uk/default.aspx?page=4746