* Advise needed - benefits... *

kendalls_cave

You havent given up as u appreciate your life and want to live it to the fullest.

I don't always appreciate my life. Many times in the depths of depression that comes with the lows of bipolar I have tried to end it all. Indeed last year I spent 11 months in hospital, 8 on a secure ward.. it's bloody hard work. But I have choices, give up or fight. In the depths I do give up, but eventually i fight again, cos I have nobody to do it for me. I've had to be strong from a very young age due to severe abuse.

Blue_Diamond

GlasweJen wrote: »

GPs can refer all they like, if someone refuses to see the local mental health team/wont allow social work to become involved then there isn't much they can do unless the individual is at the stage where they are a danger to other/themself at which point they get sectioned.

Very true. My GP just doesnt know what to say or do! My mum is not danger to herself nor anyone else. But she would definatly refuse to see the local mental health team

Jowo_2

Blue_Diamond wrote: »

..Do you have any links for these jobs working from home? I did look at a few, many of which were scams...

Assuming your mother left school at 16, she's had 40 years of being working age and appears to have spent less than 10% of it in employment, reluctantly accepting jobs as a last resort and shedding them as quickly as she can.

I don't think you've got a hope in hell of successfully addressing her complete erosion of work ethic as she seeks to kill time before she's eligible for a pension.

Jowo_2

Blue_Diamond wrote: »

Mortgage is all paid for. When I get married, I wouldnt know what to do with my mum. Investment wise, not the best option, however, it would make my life easier, and she wouldn't bother having to claim any benefits!!! Ummm... interesting! Thanks Jowo xx

If you decide to sell the property and it's in joint names, then both are required to sign the sale documents during conveyancing, therefore you would need your mother's consent to sell it. There’s always a chance she’ll consent to the marketing of the property with the agent and then sabotage the conveyancing when you find a buyer by refusing to sign the sales contract, though, as she is resistant to change and this will be a massive upheaval to her comfortzone.

If you decide to move out and leave her there, you will need

1/ to check if you expose yourself to Capital Gains tax or not. I don't know the position because on the one hand, its not your primary address but on the other, you don't take rent from your mum.

2/ understand how if she needs a care home, how this impacts you as the local council (England/Wales) will expect her to contribute towards the services with her capital and they can put a charge on the property. I don’t know how this affects a jointly held property.

3/understand the risks if she decides to take out loans secured against the property in order to fund her living expenses since if she won’t work, and she doesn’t get any benefits, how else can she raise money if you don’t pay for everything?

Blue_Diamond

Jowo wrote: »

If you decide to sell the property and it's in joint names, then both are required to sign the sale documents during conveyancing, therefore you would need your mother's consent to sell it. There’s always a chance she’ll consent to the marketing of the property with the agent and then sabotage the conveyancing when you find a buyer by refusing to sign the sales contract, though, as she is resistant to change and this will be a massive upheaval to her comfortzone.

If you decide to move out and leave her there, you will need

1/ to check if you expose yourself to Capital Gains tax or not. I don't know the position because on the one hand, its not your primary address but on the other, you don't take rent from your mum.

2/ understand how if she needs a care home, how this impacts you as the local council (England/Wales) will expect her to contribute towards the services with her capital and they can put a charge on the property. I don’t know how this affects a jointly held property.

3/understand the risks if she decides to take out loans secured against the property in order to fund her living expenses since if she won’t work, and she doesn’t get any benefits, how else can she raise money if you don’t pay for everything?

I feel I am in a no win situation, and my life is over before it has even started. I am just sooo confused what to do. So far, we are planning a holiday to India next year October. My dad said the same thing as you did...He advised I get the flat under my name so she doesnt put the property at risk. And maybe entitled to a council property.... But I wouldnt be happy doing that... CONFUSED.COM!!!!!! Thanks for your advise, you have been great x

Jowo_2

Blue_Diamond wrote: »

..So far, we are planning a holiday to India next year October.

With your mother? Encouraging her daft notion that you will forego your fiance and elope with her overseas?! How does an agorophobic with no money and an aversion to medical services travel halfway round the world, get innoculations and be able to afford this?!

Blue_Diamond wrote: »

..He advised I get the flat under my name so she doesnt put the property at risk. And maybe entitled to a council property....

Take legal and tax advice on this strategy as there are different types of joint ownership and various risks and issues. I doubt anyone on this forum can give you the specialist advice you need on this but can only give general pointers. Obviously you can't do this without your mother's permission (and if she's paranoid, why would she let you have control over her destiny, and if she's dependent on you, why would she sever legal relationships that make you dependent on her?).

How are you going to raise the money to buy out her share? If she is not given payment for the equity, you need to understand the Deprivation of Capital and Notional Capital rules which are in place to deter those with means from transferring them in order to be able to claim means tested benefits.

Also, the assumption that she can waltz into a council property after selling her share of the property also needs to be addressed.

There are millions on the waiting list for social housing and priority is given to the homeless, those with disabilities, those with dependents.

Read the Shelter website (and your local councils website) to understand the local council's statutory obligations to the homeless and how the council treat someone approaching them for housing. It's common for application forms to request previous addresses for the last 5 years and the status there (owner/tenant/lodger, etc).

Someone with a lump sum in their bank account who is moving out after selling their share in the property may simply be advised to rent a private property. Your mother's mental health issues could be classed as a vulnerability that gives her extra points but you'd need to check the position with your local council or local housing associations about their criteria.

Blue_Diamond

Jowo wrote: »

With your mother? Encouraging her daft notion that you will forego your fiance and elope with her overseas?! How does an agorophobic with no money and an aversion to medical services travel halfway round the world, get innoculations and be able to afford this?!

I would have to save and pay for our tickets and accomadation to India. Yes, it would put me in debt. She states she wants to retire in India. Realistically speaking, she will not survive there... So maybe I need to rethink this whole idea.

I also think that renting privatly would be the best option. Waste of an investment, but she is draining me of my life. Maybe if I were just to sell up, the money would be split 50 / 50. She may do something drastic like try to move to India (having no clue about Visas etc). Hmmm... food for thought....

Loopy_Girl

Blue_Diamond wrote: »

She may do something drastic like try to move to India

So let her....you're her daughter, not her keeper;)

She knows exactly what she is doing with the 'woe is me' attitude and she knows fine well that you will never say no to her...and you know that she needs you. It's a toxic co-dependant relationship.

I have a relative like your Mum. Up until a few years ago worked full time etc etc. Now they did have an awful time of it with a medical thing but they are fine now.....however, in that time they have jacked in their job ("I feel dizzy and sickie so no point working") and leave everything to my other relative who is in the house....housework, bills, finances etc etc EVERYTHING

Anyway, the caring relative (who has huge medical probs of their own) ended up in hosp recently (and part of it was exhaustion as they were running round after her and they were also underweight as not taking care of themselves) and was there for 10 days and what do you know.....it appears that the 1st relative CAN manage and didn't burn the house down or starve;)

It's like children....you keep doing something for them and they will eventually come to expect it...however, if you lay some rules and boundaries.....

Lets be totally honest here....if your Mum REALLY REALLY wanted to die, she could have done it by now....not being mean, just trying to make you see that she is taking advantage of your good nature.

Yes she is your Mum and you love her....however, you are her daughter, not her carer, and you deserve to live your life.

Not going to see the mental health team sounds to me like being a petualant child (maybe she is scared she will be sussed out that there is nothing wrong with her and she is just plain lazy) and yet is happy to yomp over to India....anything to keep you away from your life, friends, fiance eh?

You deserve a life, you really do

Jowo_2

Blue_Diamond wrote: »

I would have to save and pay for our tickets and accomadation to India. Yes, it would put me in debt. ...

To paraphrase a quote

"you can only be exploited with your permission"

This is a prime example where you seem to be actively enabling her dependency on you rather than resisting it.

Despite your many reservations and criticism of the way you are being emotionally and financially exploited by your mother, you are totally colluding with it and assisting her ability to control you.

You know that the India fantasy is a control mechanism where she is putting the fear of god in you that she will come to harm over there. It's a quite blatant test that she's set to check your continuing loyalty to her.

Grow a pair - next time India is mentioned, ask her to send you a postcard as you can't afford the holiday as you are saving towards your wedding, having supported her over the last 8 years to the sum of £x.

Assuming you've had to buy her groceries, and pay all household bills, it could work out at nearly £28,000, plus any other costs, like her clothes, travel, pocket money and so on. You do the maths. Here's my estimated breakdown which is a conservative £300 per month for basic bills over an 8 year period. I assume that you are still paying the bulk, despite you saying that you've cut down over the last few years so it is probably much higher.

Her share of Bills per month that you've subsidised
groceries: £125
council tax: £60
energy: £40
water: £15
insurance: £15
phone: £10
tv: £5
repairs/furniture: £20

Indie_Kid

Blue_Diamond wrote: »

However, being my mother, I feel I should be able to provide her with the best life as possible...but am just realising I cant really do this...

What about your life? Your life is just as important. Your mother needs to realise that she must learn to deal with her issues herself. Earlier this year, I was very ill mentally. I was pretty much told by a friend of mine that I have to deal with everything myself and that he can't help me. (the problems I was going through, his wife had just gone through and he told me that he felt as though he couldn't deal with it)

Sooner or later, she will have to deal with everything herself.