* Advise needed - benefits... *

Blue_Diamond

Jowo wrote: »

Do you think this is a genuine desire, an example of how her ideas are reckless because she is desperate or a form of blackmail and attention seeking (a bigger way of saying that she's going out into the garden to eat worms)?




Perhaps you need to look after yourself, perhaps have some counselling so you can better understand the relationship you have with her and its impact on you? A good counsellor will understand about the toll it would have taken on you and the manipulative strategies and sabotage that goes on in family relationships. Most counselling is person centred, they won't issue advice and force you to make decisions, but it could help you understand the forces at work and make things clearer to you.

100% this is an example of her reckless ideas. She wants me to move with her, sell the flat etc - NO CHANCE!

I am seeing a counsellor at present for personal therapy. I am also a counsellor and psychotherapist! However, you cannot counsell friends and family of our own. I cannot begin to explain the pressure and stress involved in all this...

anmarj

Hi sorry about your situation can not offer anything but this

State Pension for women has changed so therefore will be later than 60 but the following link will give details of when she is classed as state pension age

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Pensionsandretirementplanning/StatePension/DG_4017919

for a forecast

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Pensionsandretirementplanning/StatePension/StatePensionforecast
/DG_10014008

Hope this helps

xx

GlasweJen

Blue Diamond,

Is this moving to india maybe her trying to get you away from any potential marriage when she knows she'll lose you. Your mum is holding you back there are no ifs or buts about it.

Re: the DLA/ESA, for DLA you need to need at least 1 hour of care on an average day or need constantly supervised when outside or be unable to walk 100m without being in severe discomfort. From the sound of it your mum would not qualify, you've not mentioned her needing help getting dressed/going to the toilet/ making a meal / keeping clean etc - that's what DLA is for.

ESA if your mum is incapable of work or needs support to get a job due to disability she will qualify BUT unless she is in the support group (seriously doubt it) she will be expected to attend workshops/interviews at the job centre with a view to getting back to work, if she's unwilling to do this for JSA then I doubt she will do it for ESA either.

Should you reapply? No, if it means so much to mum make her reapply. Tell her she's the grown up and she will need to start doing things for herself. You can't subsidise her life forever and you really need to assert your independance before you're just living your mums life for her.

Jowo_2

Blue_Diamond wrote: »

She has disowned all her family apart from me and my sister. My sister lives far is is married with kids, so dont want to put pressure on her. No family or friends in India...

So, in your professional opinion, does your mother have a non-chronic mental health problem like depression or agoraphobia or does she have some kind of personality disorder that makes her attention seeking, manipulative, paranoid and self-centred?

To qualify for a full state pension, a person should have 30 years worth of National Insurance contributions. I believe those that don't could be entitled to some kind of means tested pension credit (perhaps other members will know). But this isn't your problem, this is hers to sort out, neither is the appeal process for ESA/DLA which she's allowed to lapse and probably doesn't qualify for....

Jowo_2

Blue_Diamond wrote: »

100% this is an example of her reckless ideas. She wants me to move with her, sell the flat etc - NO CHANCE!

...

Classic - both trying to bribe you and frighten you at the same time and keep you miles away from anyone else who could compete for attention. If you've supported her financially for nearly a decade and you are in turmoil while she gets her way, it shows how successful she's been.

Blue_Diamond

GlasweJen wrote: »

Blue Diamond,

Is this moving to india maybe her trying to get you away from any potential marriage when she knows she'll lose you. Your mum is holding you back there are no ifs or buts about it.

Re: the DLA/ESA, for DLA you need to need at least 1 hour of care on an average day or need constantly supervised when outside or be unable to walk 100m without being in severe discomfort. From the sound of it your mum would not qualify, you've not mentioned her needing help getting dressed/going to the toilet/ making a meal / keeping clean etc - that's what DLA is for.

ESA if your mum is incapable of work or needs support to get a job due to disability she will qualify BUT unless she is in the support group (seriously doubt it) she will be expected to attend workshops/interviews at the job centre with a view to getting back to work, if she's unwilling to do this for JSA then I doubt she will do it for ESA either.

Should you reapply? No, if it means so much to mum make her reapply. Tell her she's the grown up and she will need to start doing things for herself. You can't subsidise her life forever and you really need to assert your independance before you're just living your mums life for her.

Yes, my mum has held me back since the age of 18. Without going too into it, she has made my life hell.

I dont think I should bother with DLA as she is able to clean, get dressed herself, look after herself, able to cook etc. She just never leaves the house, she has no friends nor family apart from my older sister.

I have told my mum she should start taking responsibility for herself, but in all honesy, she has just lost the power to live. If I leave her to swim or sink, without me, she will definatly sink... No win situation here

GlasweJen

No Blue, that's just what she's manipulated her to believe.

People like this are like black holes, they will suck everything into their world if you let it and you're being led to believe that poor mummykins can't live without you, what did she do when you were younger? She coped, she brought up kids and kept a house, there is nothing to stop her from keeping a house again!

She's getting worse because she knows you're getting to the stage where you want to find someone, settle down and possibly have your own family and she will do everything in her power to stop you from doing that.

It sounds cruel but I would seriously stop the funding of her lifestyle and make her go it alone, by all means live with her and support her emotionally but certainly not financially, you said yourself you're feeling the pinch now, sit her down and explain that you can't afford to keep her so she will need to find work (even part time would help) or start signing on again.

Blue_Diamond

Jowo wrote: »

So, in your professional opinion, does your mother have a non-chronic mental health problem like depression or agoraphobia or does she have some kind of personality disorder that makes her attention seeking, manipulative, paranoid and self-centred?

To qualify for a full state pension, a person should have 30 years worth of National Insurance contributions. I believe those that don't could be entitled to some kind of means tested pension credit (perhaps other members will know). But this isn't your problem, this is hers to sort out, neither is the appeal process for ESA/DLA which she's allowed to lapse and probably doesn't qualify for....

In my opinion, she does suffer from agoraphobia, depression, fatigue, and certainly is paranoid and self-centred. I ALWAYS have to fill in forms etc and do everything for her like this. She is clueless when it comes down to this. Even her pension, it will be myself that will have to look into it, or she would just leave it. I really do have no choice...

Jowo_2

Here is a fact sheet prepared by a disability advice organisation about DLA and mental health

http://www.disabilityalliance.org/f2.htm

Blue_Diamond

Jowo wrote: »

Classic - both trying to bribe you and frighten you at the same time and keep you miles away from anyone else who could compete for attention. If you've supported her financially for nearly a decade and you are in turmoil while she gets her way, it shows how successful she's been.

I really had no choice to do it. She worked for 4 years, prior to that, she worked 25 years ago, and even that wasn't for too long.