Stopped Paying

Kimitatsu

diabolical wrote: »

Hi, im prepared to be shot down here but i need to rant, need to be careful what i say tho incase she reads this.
I would remind you that this is a public forum and so anything that is put here can be read by anyone without having to log in - it can also legally be produced in a court of law.

My hubby has paid CS for the last 7 yrs he and his ex wife have been divorced.

For the last 3 yrs we have been living /working abroad.

She has played god with his daughters life, deciding when he can talk to her on the phone, when he can see her ect, the last time he spoke to his daughter was 3 months ago, she's 9 yrs old.

So iv put my foot down now and told him to end the payments, stop all contact, and wait till she realises he's stopped putting the cash in her bank and see what she does.

Regardless of YOUR feelings, your husband has a legal and moral obligation to pay for his daughter. Contact and maintenance are not linked, and so he should keep paying the maintenance.

What do you think? its not like CSA will be involved as were in Saudi. He doesn't owe arrears or anything.

By not paying if the CSA are already involved then he will be accruing arrears, if they are not then his partner can open a csae with the CSA and if his company has a UK pay office then they can open a case and impose a DEO if he does not comply. He will have to pay 15% of his net income (as ex pats you dont pay tax - so think about whether you will be paying more or less then you currently are) and they can take up to 40% if he has arrears. If you dont work for a company with a UK pay office then there is the REMO route which means that the courts over there WILL impose the will of the courts over here - again do you really want to go down that route?

I feel awful for doing this but im also so peed off at the way she treats my hubby that i could swing for her, and thats putting it mildly.

She works, she gets all the benefits she's entitled to so i know his daughter wont starve.

Im hoping in a few months time she will come round and start letting them have a relationship.

Fire away........

You need to put away your own bitterness and put the needs of this child first, if you want to see her then get a contact order, defining when you will come over to see her, when you call her, and when she can come over to see you. If the mother breaks the contact order then take her back to court - the courts will look on your situation with favour as you are so far away, but if you are not paying maintenance then this will go against you. Keep a diary of all the emails, texts etc to show the courts what happens and how it affects the child to their detriment.

You know nothing about the PWC's financial status - unless you have a full breakdown of her monthly costs, I find it hard to believe that you can say that by witholding maintenance it wont affect the child. IMO it seems a little cruel especially in the run up to Christmas when the PWC will be counting on that money coming in - not a flame just an observation.

There are many parents from both sides here, not jsut disgruntled mothers (goodness knows I think we have all heard that one before:rotfl:) but for those mothers they are frequently the wives and partners of other parents with children so trust me they see both sides of the coin.

If you want to get a contact order going then you dont need to instruct a solicitor - there are many threads on here which advise you how to do it, and depending on how often you are back in the UK it can be done quite quickly and enforced just as fast. The school will not let you talk to the child unless the court has ordered it to happen - under data protection rules they leave themselves open to prosecution, but your husband is certainly entitled to get all of her reports etc sent to him. Many schools now email all of these things so he can do that over the phone and by email.

You need to rise above the pettiness of his ex, grit your teeth and smile sweetly, because she has another 10 years of cage rattling to go before you can have nothing to do with her. Is it worth your husband losing all contact with his daughter because of that?

tamarto

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

You, on the other hand, are viewing your husband's daughter as a pay perview commodity.

You hit the nail on the head.

Maintenance is not about whether you see the child or not, it is the fathers (in this case) responsibility to provide for a child they fathered whether with the mother or not.

No one has said the mother is reasonable here, but you are treating that girl as an object, why on earth would she not need the money because her mum is a !!!!!?

Edited to add - How awful is this attitude of only wanting to pay for a child when it suits them.

Blonde_Bint

Hello OP.

Well to sum up I think we are all agreed that while you feel the pwc is 'yanking' you about and you are considering stopping payment to see if this changes your pwc's 'yanking' ways, we who have years and years and years and years of experience in this field are here to tell you that this tactic absolutely irrefutably will not work.

I am an NRPP and I feel that if you took this course of action now ask yourself this, never mind anything else in all the other posts that went before ......... ask yourself this one question if you stop paying the maintenance of your step daughter could you look yourself in the mirror in ten years time and say I did the right thing by my step daughter???? that was the right course of action to take????

While I understand your anger, sadness, possibly even a little hatred towards the pwc (believe me I myself have a shoddy pwc) I get the feeling you are at the bottom of the barrell and floundering right now after years of being her puppet as she pulls the strings you've finally snapped, this decision of yours feels to me not something you really want to do but feel forced into, not paying the monthly maintenance would be the worst thing you could do I feel if you do this at some stage down the line you will feel carppy about this decision but it will then be too late you wont be able to turn back the clock the deed will have been done.

Are you really the type of person that doesnt maintain her step child? from your post I dont believe thats the kind of person you really are please dont do it you will feel manky about this course of action forever at a later date if you do it is not something you can right in 10 yrs. We've all (nrpps) cracked a lil at some point we are only human and the carp time happening to our ohs and our (step) children is upsetting to us too I know.

Dont stop the monthly maintenance because even though you might not be able to see clearly right now once your crummy pwc is out of your life (and that day is on its way, every day that passes is another day closer to the day she is gone forever) the stain of deserting your step daughter will live with YOU for ever, even if she is the forgiving its ok type lets just say she puts it behind her and says all is forgiven remember this you will know.

Just give all these things some thourough thought OP s'all I ask.

(btw dont take the hump at anything i've posted because not one word is intended as a spite or prod at you - just so you know:) incase you read something and think humps having a go is she i'm not just want you to think your action through completely to the end iyswim) xx



What i'm hoping is that you go away give it a bit more thought then think to yourself actually even though the pwc deserves it, no matter what else I think or dont think, think i'll pay the maintenance.

Remember this although you pay the maintenance to pwc you are only required to do so because of your step daughters existance, if there was no step daughter would you be paying maintenance to your pwc ........NO. Do not see any money you pay to your pwc as her money because it isnt, she gets this money for the child do you see what i'm trying to get at here???? do you see where i'm trying to lead you.

shegirl

diabolical wrote: »

Do you think the school would let my hubby to talk to her, because i know that the ex would not agree to that, but it would be brilliant if it were true.
Please remember, this isn't a game we are playing, we do realise the impact this could have on his daughter, but what the heck is he supposed to do?

Surely to god if she needs the cash she will put her bitterness away and let them have a relationship, because if she doesn't then we will take another route, although with being abroad iv no idea which one to take!

Bull! It is a game you are playing...stopping maintenance to try and force contact...that is a game.It is wrong and quite disgusting to be honest.No matter what happens your husband is responsible for his daughter.Contact is a seperate issue and should be dealt with seperately.Stop thinking you are innocent and not playing games!!!

shegirl

diabolical wrote: »

Ok, so now im the monster, fair enough as i have asked for advice.

Everyone is saying, think of the child, well we do, thats all hubby and i have done, for yrs, we think of that little girl growing up with no contact from her father because the mother wont let it happen, one month depending on her mood my husband can chat away to his wee one and arrange to phone the same time the following week and then the mother gets a flea in her knickers about something and we get mails and texts telling him he cant have contact again until she is 16........ and it goes on and on.

I may be seen now as being as bad as the mother but there you go, were fighting fire with fire and thats not going to change until either she gives in and agree's to let contact happen regularly or no more cash, simple as that.

I get the feeling theres alot of grieved off mothers out there giving me there opinions on this but, if your ex wanted contact, always paid his maintance and then some, sent cards, gifts and other little trinkets to let his little girl know that he was thinking of her, would you still act like the venomus snake she's being, i doubt it.

You really are a disgrace.

Great way to go,make the daughter see her parents fighting and playing games...let her see her dads wife make him stop providing for her.Wow,what daughter wouldn't want to talk to a dad who does that....

Maybe you should think about that!

w1ck3d

Hi diabolical,

I know you most proberly haven't heard what you expected or what you wanted to hear, but take this little bit from me. I to, am a NRP ( like your other half ), simular situation. Now while you "think" stopping paying will help, it won't and doesn't. As the PWC will only tell the child her version of the story.

This is hard to swallow, I know and understand trust me. What I suggest is, continue paying. Tell your other half, try not to beat himself up, or kick himself. Keep trying to contact, if possible, and try not to get angry when turned down.

Also, do you have close friends, that could give you a progress report. Its not spying, you are just beign keep informed. You ARE allowed by LAW to contact the school, and request school reports, etc etc.

Last bit. Tell your other half to hang in there. It will get harder before it gets easier, but remember, the child is only 9yrs old.

She will grow up. She will ask questions ( later on ) and you would want her to know that although contact has stopped, you still paid towards her up bringing. Two sayings that I keep close to me for hard times....

Best things comes to those who wait.
What goes around, comes around.

I hope this gives you some insight, and benefit. You not alone, trust me.

surreybased

Hi,

I think there is some very sensible advice from people who have been in similar situations. The best advice is not to react to a situation in anger. I can understand the complete frustration that you have but always do the right thing even when the PWC isn't.

I wish I could say it would work out in the end - some with older children believe kids always see through their parents (especially those PWC who are bitter). Hoping it is the case for you.

However do everything you can to establish linsk with your step daughter. What about electronic contact - such as emails or texts?
Do make sure the school know your husband has PR - they are legally obliged to provide you with information.
If you have a court order - do seek to have this enforced, often the threat of forcing it will make it work. This is preferable than stopping payments and will be more effective.

Soubrette

sulkisu wrote: »

I don't think that you are a monster, but I do think that you are making a big mistake. You mention wanting regular contact, but as others have mentioned, didn't your husband think of that before he moved halfway around the world? What impact did that have on his daughter?

You said that your husband was going to stop support to see what his ex-wife would do? All she needs to do is tell her daughter the truth - that her father moved thousands of miles away, and then stopped paying child support because his new wife told him to. She won't need to do or say anything else - and once his daughter is old enough to really understand that, and old enough to build a relationship with her father despite her mothers feelings, the chances are that she won't want to know him (what child would?) - and your husband can kiss any hope of a relationship with his daughter goodbye. When that happens be prepared for the possibility that your husband will hold you at least partially responsible (after all, it was your idea.)

Children are generally pretty astute and if the mother is playing games, and her father is doing his best, eventually his daughter will see that, but not if he continues with this course of action.

I speak from experience. My partner was in your husbands position. However he always paid support, whether he was allowed to see the children or not. On the rare occasions that my partner couldn't afford to buy what they needed, I bought things on his behalf because we were both determined that no matter what happened, his kids could never say that their father was not there for them and did not provide for them.
His 'kids' are now 16 and 19 and despite their mothers games/spite/malice and attempts to turn the kids against him (which inluded changing their surnames, throwing away cards and gifts that he had sent pretending that he had forgotten their birthdays, not allowing them to speak to him or see him, making false allegations to the police to get an injunction against him), he has a close loving relationship with them - their choice, not hers. It wasn't easy, we felt as frustrated and angry as you do, but it was worth it in the end.

You sound fabulous - I'm glad it all worked out in the end

FBaby

Could it be that it is the daughter who just isn't that bothered to be talking to her dad on the phone? He left when she was 4, and I suppose hasn't seen her more than a few times a year for the past three years now. At that age, children move on. She might be delighted to see her dad when she gets that chance, but that doesn't mean she will want to talk to him on the phone whenever it suits him.

Having made the choice to move so far away when his daughter was so young was accepting that contact would not be the same. Now of course, the pwc might be an absolute b***, but she might not be but certainly will became a real one if she sees all financial support cut suddenly.

diabolical_2

Becc4 wrote: »

wow wow a minuite it is the OP business, she is married to the father of this child she sees the heart ache that no contact with his daughter is causing him, I agree with the OP, (shoot me down in flames too). all you PWC have no idea what us SECOND wives have to go though to, sometimes I feel like i'm jumping through hoops, and yes i am happy if hubby is happy, but when he gets let down last min, guess who has to pick the pieces up, that right us. aaagggghhhh.....
sometimes it's about more than the money. the OP has already stated she and the father have offered to fly back to visit etc, but no eveybody feels she's playing games. I dont agree. why should PWC always play the martyr, it really annoys me.

(sorry OP hope you dont mind me ranting a bit)

I dont mind atall, feel like im being slaughtered here. The best of it is, im not doing this out of spite, its sheer frustration which has gone on for 7 yrs, and not once has it ever ran smoothy with the access.
Im so fed up this is all i can think of doing to try and make his ex grow up and start acting like an adult and get over her issues.

Thanks for joining in Bec, appreciate it.