Acceptable contact for a non-resident father? *UPDATED POST #63*

Rockinbikergal

((((Hugs)))) Emsy

You do what is right for you and the bubs.....it's not as though you are registering the birth while you are incapacitated unless they do over there what they do here and come around the wards a couple of times a week.....there is every possibility that he will wake up and smell the coffee but I doubt it, he is a man after all.

Just concentrate on getting yourself fit and well enough to cope with baby James and never worry about the 'father' lurking.....xxxxx

minimoneysaver

Congratulations on the birth of your little bundle of joy. You should realised though that it doesn't mean that he 'gets off' from paying CSA though. Even if the fathers name isn't on the birth certificate, he is still liable for child maintenance. Check out the CSA web site. x

redstararnie76

Hi Emsy, sorry you are having to deal with this, but congratulations for baby James.

FBaby

emsywoo123 wrote: »

Because he has made his choice. The very fact that I believe he was drunk when he texted means that he has not stopped. He believes it was appropriate to give me this ultimatum when I was so shortly out of theatre. I struggle to see that I can trust his judgement? I am certainly doing nothing at the moment while I am feeling so delicate post birth

His behaviour is despicable, but it is not about what he deserves and what he doesn't deserve as the person he is, but about what your child deserves. A child would always choose to have two parents if given the choice, even when the parents is not a good one as long as they are not putting them in mental of physical danger. At the moment, you are only believing that he could be drunk and therefore dangerous around your child, but you don't know that for sure. As a the person who loves your child more than anyone else, you owe him to give him a chance to build a relationship with his dad.

Trust me, I know what it is like to deal with an ex who doesn't 'deserve' his children. I often want to scream in frustration because he gets away with murder, but I swallow it all purely out of love for my kids, because they love their dad and it means a lot to them. No matter how much I don't like him and how much I wish he disappeared from the surface of earth, I would never change all my efforts to encourage him to be a dad to my children, because I know no matter what, it is the best for them.

Saying that, you are right that your priority is to look after yourself and enjoy your lovely newborn baby :j

Noctu

Hi Emsy,
Congratulations on your new arrival

I wanted to chip in and say... My mum didn't allow me to have any contact with my father until I was about 11. In fact she told me that he was dead... he isn't an especially nice man so I could see what she was trying to protect me from.

HOWEVER! - my father WANTED to see me and made repeated attempts in the first few years of my life. This is of course completely different to your situation.

My snap judgement would be to tell him to go and stick option A where the sun doesn't shine. Having said that though, perhaps you could give him something like a week - to come back to you and be willing to negotiate a fair and reasonable amount of access.

If he still doesn't bother, you can rest assured that when your little one grows up, you can tell him that you definitely tried.

rachel6188

Huge congrats on the birth of your prince huni and I hope that you are recovering well from your c-section. I think you need legal advice and I really hope you can get something sorted either way. Don't give in to his demands, he makes me soo angry. Huge hugs and I hope you and James are well xox

clearingout

Congratulations! Just enjoy your first few weeks with the little one and let the rest of it wash over you. He'll play his cards as and when he sees fit so deal with it as and when it happens, or indeed, if it happens. What he needs to realise is that no parent when separated gets access on the terms he is demanding. It's very childish behaviour which both a court and CAFCASS would see through so don't worry about it.

When you're feeling up to it, consider your options via the CSA for maintenance. Whilst I'm not of the opinion that any parent should get away with not paying for their children, if you're opening a can of worms by having him demanding access and making your life miserable in asking for maintenance, consider leaving it until such a time as you can't manage financially or until you feel up for the fight!

congratulations again and enjoy!

treetrunks

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

He'll be drinking. I'll put money on it.

Register the baby without him. If he's that committed, he'll go through solicitors and jump through every hoop to prove that he is clean and fit to be classed as a parent.

Regular drink testing would probably be something you could insist on IF he takes this to court. And fully supervised contact.

By the way, I haven't noticed one poster on here that has ever said


"my Dad was an alcoholic and was a great father, always reliable, always trustworthy/supportive, always kept me and Mum happy, safe and well fed/looked after; in fact, I wouldn't have wanted him any other way".

In what way does a child deserve to have that foisted upon them as part of their 'right to a father'?

dreadful advice, you dont know either party and these actions will only seek to create further issues. As many others have said, access can be supervised at first and communication is most important. By both of you being open and adult you have the best chance of creating an environment where the child can enjoy the love of both parents. If things dont work out then at least you can say youve tried. Id hate for you to have regrets in twenty years that your child doesnt know her father and feel that you have contributed to that.

brians_daughter

congrats on the birth of your bundle of joy! I owuld leave it a few days/weeks- you need to recover from major surgery and concentrate on your children just now, esp if he isnt showing any form of give and take etc. You dont worry about him, you can save that conversation for when you are fit and well x

emsywoo123

brians_daughter wrote: »

congrats on the birth of your bundle of joy! I owuld leave it a few days/weeks- you need to recover from major surgery and concentrate on your children just now, esp if he isnt showing any form of give and take etc. You dont worry about him, you can save that conversation for when you are fit and well x

Am I going bonkers or had you put a totally different reply, which I was about to reply to but bubs needed me, I came back and it had changed? Or do I seriously need more sleep!? :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: