Acceptable contact for a non-resident father? *UPDATED POST #63*

thatgirlsam

ypu can stop him from being in the room with you at hospital but not from waiting outside

if it were me i would let him see the baby after the birth.. it is his child too

if he smells of alcohol at all them ask him to leave (probably won't get past the midwife anyway if he smells of booze)

i think you should give him a chance for contact with his child.. having a baby really changes people so hopefully he will realise that being a father is more important than drinking

i don't mean you should get back with him or anythihg, but give him a chance at the beginning, for your childs sake

just the one chance, mind.. first time he turns up smelling of drink would be the last time for me

belfastgirl23

Well in terms of having him around for the birth, would you necessarily have the energy/organisation to call him while in labour? So you do have a sort of a way out of this if you need it.

In terms of access, when you say he's an alcoholic, different people have different ideas of what constitutes alcoholism. If he's drinking all day every day then of course it's a total no no. If he's a heavy drinker who drinks in the evening then if you want to give him some access you'd limit it to daytime only. And when a baby is very young it can't really be away from mum for more than a couple of hours.

The other possibility is does he have any relatives you trust? EG if you think his mum or sister or someone is a decent person you could suggest that he can see the baby but only if they're around, if they would agree that is.

I guess I'm thinking that if he wants to get to know his child, it might be better to try to find a way to work with that rather than work against it. Although as jojo says no point in handing him a lot of rights on a plate till you know for sure he can be trusted.

Good luck with the birth...

emsywoo123

Thank you all for your replies so far.......

Nar I have no idea how I will ever be certain. the lies he told me when we were together........I never trusted him with DD.

Jojo he admits that he still drinks, just in "moderation" and that it is not a problem :eek:

missiemog I thought he did not have legal PR without us either a)being married or b) him on birth certificate? My family know the score and will not tell him.......mum thinks I should call him a week afterwards to let him know

clearingout he has threatened (way back when) to take me to court as he wanted full custody and did not want to be a part time dad :eek: so I am thinking he will likely take me.
He has offered child maintenance money. I have now realised he probably sees this as sufficient to give him"rights" And yes, my parents have paid for most of the baby stuff.........he has bought nothing.

emsywoo123

thatgirlsam wrote: »

ypu can stop him from being in the room with you at hospital but not from waiting outside

if it were me i would let him see the baby after the birth.. it is his child too

if he smells of alcohol at all them ask him to leave (probably won't get past the midwife anyway if he smells of booze)

i think you should give him a chance for contact with his child.. having a baby really changes people so hopefully he will realise that being a father is more important than drinking

i don't mean you should get back with him or anythihg, but give him a chance at the beginning, for your childs sake

just the one chance, mind.. first time he turns up smelling of drink would be the last time for me

He promised he would change when we found out I was pregnant......and he did.........he drank more and lied about it and hid it more :eek: :eek:

emsywoo123

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Well in terms of having him around for the birth, would you necessarily have the energy/organisation to call him while in labour? So you do have a sort of a way out of this if you need it.

In terms of access, when you say he's an alcoholic, different people have different ideas of what constitutes alcoholism. If he's drinking all day every day then of course it's a total no no. If he's a heavy drinker who drinks in the evening then if you want to give him some access you'd limit it to daytime only. And when a baby is very young it can't really be away from mum for more than a couple of hours.

No he does not drink all day every day, but there is no pattern to his drinking....sort of an "as and when" more of an inability to stop when started.......

The other possibility is does he have any relatives you trust? EG if you think his mum or sister or someone is a decent person you could suggest that he can see the baby but only if they're around, if they would agree that is.

sadly not, his parents have lied to me to cover up his drinking (his ma told me he was tucked up in bed, saw him 5 mins later stumbling up the street) and his dad is also an alcoholic. They are both also heavy smokers who smoke indoors so bubs NOT going there,

I guess I'm thinking that if he wants to get to know his child, it might be better to try to find a way to work with that rather than work against it. Although as jojo says no point in handing him a lot of rights on a plate till you know for sure he can be trusted.

Good luck with the birth...

Thank you, almost forgot I had the birth to get through :rotfl:

kimmi_b

Hi Emsy, congrats on the impending birth!

The father will only have PR if he is named on the birth certificate (and to be named on the birth cert he must be present when registering the birth).

See here for more info.

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

thatgirlsam

emsywoo123 wrote: »

He promised he would change when we found out I was pregnant......and he did.........he drank more and lied about it and hid it more :eek: :eek:

yes i see what you are saying although for a lot of men its not real until they actually 'see' the baby

simple things im afraid

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

emsywoo123 wrote: »

Nar I never trusted him with DD.

Jojo he admits that he still drinks, just in "moderation" and that it is not a problem :eek:

missiemog I thought he did not have legal PR without us either a)being married or b) him on birth certificate? My family know the score and will not tell him.......mum thinks I should call him a week afterwards to let him know

clearingout he has threatened (way back when) to take me to court as he wanted full custody and did not want to be a part time dad :eek: so I am thinking he will likely take me.
He has offered child maintenance money. I have now realised he probably sees this as sufficient to give him"rights" And yes, my parents have paid for most of the baby stuff.........he has bought nothing.

Think your replies answer the questions for us. He's still using.

Providing a bit of DNA does not make him more trustworthy with one child than another. He's abusive too, threatening to take your child away - as I understand it, he gets PR if the court awards it, or you give it by having him there for the registration. You don't even have to tell him when your LO is born if you don't want to - or you could say you've been transferred to another hospital if he knows the exact dates.

Hospital security will happily remove a drunk from maternity that's making a nuisance of himself. Nobody gets let into Maternity without permission, so he can't just stroll in and demand any 'rights'.

So let the judge make that decision if he believes it is in your baby's interests, don't decide it because he might pay maintenance or will threaten to abduct your baby or make a scene if you don't obey him.


Just try to relax. He can't make you do anything. A judge can order you to do things but that takes time, time in which your ex has plenty of time in which to sort himself out, pay maintenance (without seeing the LO, as people say, the two aren't linked, so no reason why he can't send his beer money to you instead) and prove he isn't a danger to a baby as well as himself.


Have a cuppa and put your feet up before the school run, emsy.

Gavin83

kimmi_b wrote: »

Hi Emsy, congrats on the impending birth!

The father will only have PR if he is named on the birth certificate (and to be named on the birth cert he must be present when registering the birth).

See here for more info.

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

I am by no means an expert on these things, but I thought you had to name the father on the birth certificate when registering the child?

Pee

I think you really need to speak to a Solicitor. There is an option called supervised contact where there would be other adults around, you might feel comfortable if he was with another family member, i.e. his Mum and drink testing is a possibility although it sounds like he is not drinking all the time and cannot be trusted not to start drinking whilst in charge of a child. You know that he is going to act the perfect sober Dad and make you sound like you are worrying about nothing, and that he could be convincing at this even though it is not the truth and I think that is a genuine concern.

I hope he does get his act together for you and the baby and that if he doesn't, he loses interest in having contact.