Acceptable contact for a non-resident father? *UPDATED POST #63*

FatVonD

There's no reason for him to be taking a very young baby out and about at all. If it were me I'd make it as easy as possible for him to see the baby at my house, make him welcome, disappear upstairs to give him some space, invite his parents round and try to build a good relationship with them whereby they can visit you and you them so he has no need to take the baby to see his family.

Once the baby is old enough to benefit from days out you should have more idea of whether he could be trusted.

Good luck

emsywoo123

Pee wrote: »

he is not drinking all the time and cannot be trusted not to start drinking whilst in charge of a child. You know that he is going to act the perfect sober Dad and make you sound like you are worrying about nothing, and that he could be convincing at this even though it is not the truth and I think that is a genuine concern.

.

Bang bang nail head.

Make-it-3

Oh Emsy, I bet that's the last thing you needed today.

I would just ignore any request to be at the hospital, its the last thing you need and if you just don't tell him when you go in, then how will he know.

I would get word to him afterwards and allow him a brief visit a few days later when you have someone else with you. And if he has even a hint of alcohol on his breath he is turned away at the door.

Again, I think any access for the first year needs to be supervised alongside someone YOU trust, if you don't want to be present yourself. In any case, it will be limited for practical reasons, as a small baby can't be away from its mother for any length of time and certainly not overnight.

Hopefully this will give you time to assess what kind of father he will be. I suspect it will get harder as the child gets older and able to spend more time away from home so he could push for greater access later on.

If you have any concerns he will try to force this issue about spending time alone with the baby get yourself some legal support ASAP and I think he'll find the courts will be much more sympathetic towards you than him.

Be firm and trust your instincts as to why you ditched him in the first place.

delain

Emsy I've spent the last 5 years going through the family court system, still ongoing, my twins were one when it all started so not got much experience with court and babies (and it sounds like you need the court system in your case). It's not as scary as it sounds I promise. If you don't trust him, do not and him the baby until you've had legal advice because you'll have set a precedent and the court system in a lot of cases is about preserving the status quo. (which is about keeping things the way they are not pickling hairy rockers :rotfl:)

Go and see a solicitor now whilst you can be uninterrupted (not that babies aren't lovely but it wont help you feel focused) write down a list of questions, everything youve written on here, and write down every incident where he upsets you or behaves like a prat. I said this to you before, if you did it take this info to the solicitor.

And if you need someone to talk to about the court process or anything at all, I'm here by PM or email or whatever just shout.

Brighton_belle

Gavin83 wrote: »

I am by no means an expert on these things, but I thought you had to name the father on the birth certificate when registering the child?

Our current Labour leader was not allowed to be named on his first son's birth certificate because they are not married and he was not present at the registering.

ema_o

Emsy, haven't got any practical advice sorry, but echo what delain has said above - arrange an appointment with a solicitor before you have the baby if at all possible and get some legal advice.

I would definitely not tell him you are going in to hospital - you will have enough to deal with without having him to stress about, and tell the midwives he is not to be allowed to see you if he does turn up. I think while you are in hospital it is all about you and your wellbeing, so definitely not a good idea to have someone who will cause you stress coming to see you (and baby).

In your shoes I would be doing everything I could to ensure your ex is not solely responsible for the child until he has proved he can be trusted and will not drink while he is responsible.
I would also not set up for your ex to have contact with the baby supervised by you, better to have someone you trust (obviously not his parents, how about someone from your family?).

Congrats on reaching D Day hope babs holds off until you can get some proper advice about this xx

Loopy_Girl

If you are concerned about his drinking, and he is serious about being a father, then you can suggest contact at a contact centre.

This gives him a chance to prove himself (having to turn up week in and week out), he can be assessed by social workers and you can have peace of mind.

Sorry but I don't agree with the sneaking away to register the birth. The baby is not a possession that can be claimed wholly by the Mother. He is offering to pay child support, wants to be at the hospital when you have the baby and wants to play an active part in baby's life - take a meander over to the CSA board where there are several Mothers that would bite your hand off for that. There are many children growing up in this world without a father and yet he is wanting to be one......

You chose to have the baby with him (presumably he was drinking before you got pregnant) and I don't think it's fair for you to use the baby as a weapon and for you to dicate things.

Plus does your baby really deserve to see a blank space on their birth certificate?

You haven't spoken for 3 months - how do you know he has/has not changed? Surely he deserves the opportunity to show that and the way for that would be the contact centre option.

tigtag02

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Register the baby without him. If he's that committed, he'll go through solicitors and jump through every hoop to prove that he is clean and fit to be classed as a parent.

Ems - he won't have PR unless on the BC or awarded by a court. The poster who said otherwise is mistaken (think about it logically).

The quote I have bolded above IMO is the most pertinent point that's been made. For now I would carry on as if you hadn't heard from him. If he is serious you will hear again from either him or his solicitor.

Then you can start thinking about contact centres etc etc etc - for now concentrate on you and the bubs

Oh look ^^^^ one of those condescending posts you were warned about!! Don't take it to heart honey, we KNOW you want the best and aren't using baby woo as a weapon!!

xx

Princess_Coupon

My first instinct was to definately not put his name on the birth certificate due to the PR issue, but this one sentence made me think twice.

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

Plus does your baby really deserve to see a blank space on their birth certificate?

You get 42 days to register the birth I'd leave it till the last minute, that's 6 weeks to see how things go once the baby is here.

Loopy_Girl

tigtag02 wrote: »

Oh look ^^^^ one of those condescending posts you were warned about!! Don't take it to heart honey, we KNOW you want the best and aren't using baby woo as a weapon!!

Whatever love...she asked for opinions and I gave mine....if it was only fluffy bunny answers required then it should have been said in the OP.

Nothing condescending about it all. Yeah, lets pretend the Dad doesn't exist because it suits the Mum.

She didn't trust the ex with her original child but stayed with him anyway, then got pregnant to him, decided for whatever reason to continue with the pregnancy if the man is such an ogre and now wants to wipe him out of the baby's life completely....horse, shut and bolt spring to mind.

I'm sure she is doing the best for the baby but it still stands that he is the Father and wants to be a part of the baby's life...whether it would suit everyone concerned if he just quietly walked away, is neither here nor there.