Acceptable contact for a non-resident father? *UPDATED POST #63*

Loopy_Girl

Princess_Coupon wrote: »

My first instinct was to definately not put his name on the birth certificate due to the PR issue, but this one sentence made me think twice.



You get 42 days to register the birth I'd leave it till the last minute, that's 6 weeks to see how things go once the baby is here.

Seems an excellent compromise. Much better than 'ignoring' the problem anyway.

Gavin83

So if the mother doesn't want the father to have parental rights there is nothing he can do about it?

Loopy_Girl

Gavin83 wrote: »

So if the mother doesn't want the father to have parental rights there is nothing he can do about it?

He can go to court and ask for them.

babyboysmommy

You need to think long & hard about not naming the father on the birth certificate. How will your child feel in years to come? Especially is the father does turn out to be a part of it's life. No name on the certificate is quite a price for a child to pay especially when the father can still get parental responsibility just by proving he is the dad.

There is no way I'd hand over my baby under these circumstances. I would get legal advice & arrange for supervised contact through an official contact centre where he can be very closely monitored for as long as it takes, but only if he pushes for it legally as it would at least show he is serious about being a part of his child's life. I would take child maintenance, he is financially responsible for the child & it has no impact on visitation rights no matter what he might think.

You are in a very fragile place right now, legal advice really is the way to go to protect your baby's rights, one of those legal rights though is for the baby to see it's father, how that happens is open for negotiation. The father would have to do something very serious to be legally denied all contact, supervised is very likely though.

barbiedoll

I don't know what all this fuss about the birth certificate is. The father can be added to the certificate at a later date if that's what the mother (and father) wants.
Any father that wants automatic rights to their child should marry the mother!

FBaby

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

If you are concerned about his drinking, and he is serious about being a father, then you can suggest contact at a contact centre.

This gives him a chance to prove himself (having to turn up week in and week out), he can be assessed by social workers and you can have peace of mind.

Sorry but I don't agree with the sneaking away to register the birth. The baby is not a possession that can be claimed wholly by the Mother. He is offering to pay child support, wants to be at the hospital when you have the baby and wants to play an active part in baby's life - take a meander over to the CSA board where there are several Mothers that would bite your hand off for that. There are many children growing up in this world without a father and yet he is wanting to be one......

You chose to have the baby with him (presumably he was drinking before you got pregnant) and I don't think it's fair for you to use the baby as a weapon and for you to dicate things.

Plus does your baby really deserve to see a blank space on their birth certificate?

You haven't spoken for 3 months - how do you know he has/has not changed? Surely he deserves the opportunity to show that and the way for that would be the contact centre option.

I totally agree with this. In all circumstances unless there is an issue of harm, a child will always be better off with the love and care of both his parents. You owe to your child, as his main carer, to give him that chance. At the moment, you want to take this away without being certain that you are doing it with his best interest at heart. Whatever the circumstances, your child has a right to have his father's name on his birth certificate and trying to be a good dad. Many good fathers have issues with drinks, it doesn't make them forceably terrible fathers, all it means is that they need supervision when in contact with the child if there are going to be drunk whilst under their care.

belfastgirl23

I think to be fair to the OP she wasn't saying she wanted to cut the father out of the baby's life, she was seeking advice and opinions on how best to manage this unexpected situation when she's about to give birth (she could be in the delivery room now!). So I don't think it's fair to assume she wants to cut the dad out, she wants to figure out how to deal with it.

OP I figure you will have to feel your way on this one...you sound like you're thinking about all the right things and will make the right decisions for you and your baby!

missiemog

emsywoo123 wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies so far.......

Nar I have no idea how I will ever be certain. the lies he told me when we were together........I never trusted him with DD.

Jojo he admits that he still drinks, just in "moderation" and that it is not a problem :eek:

missiemog I thought he did not have legal PR without us either a)being married or b) him on birth certificate? My family know the score and will not tell him.......mum thinks I should call him a week afterwards to let him know

clearingout he has threatened (way back when) to take me to court as he wanted full custody and did not want to be a part time dad :eek: so I am thinking he will likely take me.
He has offered child maintenance money. I have now realised he probably sees this as sufficient to give him"rights" And yes, my parents have paid for most of the baby stuff.........he has bought nothing.

apologies, my bad. see info below...

What are My Rights as a Father?

Unless you have entered into a specific agreement with the mother of your child (or children) known as a Parental Responsibility Agreement then generally your rights are few it has to be said. There are exceptions to this however which include the following:

• If the child was born on or after December 1st 2003 and you are named on the birth certificate as the child’s birth father
• If a Parental Responsibility Agreement is signed
• If the birth certificate for the child held no father’s name but was later renewed to show yours
• If a Magistrate or Justice of the Peace (JP) at the Family Court has granted you parental responsibility or an order of residency

check out this website for info

http://www.lawandparents.co.uk/

Rockinbikergal

Gavin83 wrote: »

I am by no means an expert on these things, but I thought you had to name the father on the birth certificate when registering the child?

(((hugs)))) Emsy saw your post on the other thread and was having a scan when I saw this....

If you don't want him to be named as father then go and register the birth on your ow...most hospitals, well the ones over here in NI anyways, will have a registrar that will come round at some point during the day for you to register so that could make it easier....

My sister went through a very rough time during her pregnancy with her ex and was able to tell the midwives that she didn't want him anywhere near her when she was in hospital.....the ward you are going onto will probably have security and as along as all staff are up to date with your wishes he shouldn't be able to get near you.....in the labour and delivery wards they are really stringent on who you want there as at that point you are stressed enough as it is. My sister's ex came up to the hospital and was giving off about it being his right to be present and he got the best answer I have heard and that was 'just cos you supplied the frogspawn doesn't mean you have a right to see the tadpole' laughed my socks off at that hehe....

hope this helps a little although not sure how much it will help....just make sure that it states in your birthplan and in your notes that he is not to be allowed access unless you are spoken to first

Hurry up and give us baby woo and he won't know when you go into labour :P

emsywoo123

FBaby wrote: »

. Many good fathers have issues with drinks, it doesn't make them forceably terrible fathers, all it means is that they need supervision when in contact with the child if there are going to be drunk whilst under their care.

I will admit to being really shocked that this is considered acceptable? Not bad fathers but need to supervision if they are going to drunk in charge of a baby? If this is common consensus, then I really would go into hiding! I think this is appalling! :eek:

Thank you all for your input, it is really helpful to gain various viewpoints. (I am having [STRIKE]contractions[/STRIKE]/Braxton hicks most likely at the minute, so aware that I might not make the best of sense )

Went to mum's for a cuppa this afternoon, and she reminded me that just 4 months ago he said he wanted nothing further to do with me or bubs, so perhaps I am better off playing things by ear rather than worrying about the might be's.

Belfastgirl sums it up beautifully really.......I don't intend to "ban him" or anything, but I do not know what to do!