Acceptable contact for a non-resident father? *UPDATED POST #63*

emsywoo123

Hi all
Looking to canvass some opinion really.
I am due to give birth shortly (due today!! :eek: ) and have just spoken to the father on the phone for the first time in approx 3 months.

Bit of background-we split when I was 8 weeks gone, primarily due to his excessive alcohol consumption (which he denies) He initially went to AA when we first broke up, (2/3 weeks) but now does not, and believes he drinks less and is "in control" I have no way of knowing how much/when he drinks.

He accepts I do not want him at the birth, but wants to be at the hospital while I am sneezing out the baby (it is that easy, yeah?!? :rotfl: ) so he can see him ASAP. Having spoken to him about contact, he says he wants "as much as possible" and thinks at some point in the not too distant future he can take him out and about. When I obviously sounded hesitant, he said "oh, did you think I didn't want any then? Wrong"

I do not know what to think or do, just that we split up because I do not trust him or his abilities as a parent (in light of his alcoholism, mostly)

I also have a 7 year old DD (not his)

Advice/thoughts welcome, but please be delicate, I am emotionally wobbly

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Think of yourself and your baby first.

An alcoholic, a secret stash of Tennants and a newborn is a recipe for disaster.

Would you trust a paralytic, incoherent midwife to handle your baby for a second?

Would you trust a doctor shaking, sweating and hallucinating to perform a forceps delivery?

Would you trust a dishonest, needy, manipulative, self pitying, lying addict to look after your delicate, beautiful newborn?


Think of your family first and have a happy, special day without feeling guilty or railroaded into anything. An Addict isn't family, they're a parasite feeding on your love. An addict is about as much use (at best) as a sperm donor and at worst leaves a trail of destruction, tears and even death behind them as they chase after something to make it all about them.

and good luck to you.

Kittendreich

I would say that you should try and be as level headed as possible and put the baby first - by which I mean try and give him the benefit of the doubt (albeit cautiously) and allow him to try and be a father (is this his first?). He will have a lot to learn and will need to demonstrate his commitment (to the child, not you) so that you can trust him as a father. It is his child too and fathers are important.

Mediation might be useful to try and find a mutual agreement. It will be difficult to go from not seeing him to him being around especially at such an emotional time. Particularily if you are breastfeeding he will not be able to take the baby out and about for more than an hour or so so the better relations can be between you the easier it will be.

Good luck with the birth (...almost like sneezing, but just a tiny bit more painful...!) & I hope that you can find a way to parent together.

emsywoo123

I totally agree jojo, but he says he does not drink as much/ at all etc etc (I personally do not believe a word the man says, but he is a damn fine actor and others will) and I am worried about what rights he will have and what he will do-I plan on getting the birth certificate without telling him so that he does not have PR, but can he go through the courts?

FairyShazza

It is a difficult situation as without knowing how much and when/if he is drinking you can’t really know if he would be able to look after a baby capably and safely. You only really have his word for it as to how often he is now drinking and it is hard to believe someone who has had an addition when they say they “have it under control”.

Personally I would say that until you have some evidence that his drinking is under control you are happy for him to have supervised visits initially but are not happy for him to take the baby away and look after it. I’m not sure if there is anyway that you can get this backed up legally.

He has a lot to prove to you to show that he can be trusted to take away a child and look after it on his own, and I think that after 3 months of non contact he needs to understand that you are very unlikely to want to give him free reign without some kind of evidence that the previous situation has improved with regards to his drinking.

emsywoo123

Kittendreich wrote: »

I would say that you should try and be as level headed as possible and put the baby first - by which I mean try and give him the benefit of the doubt (albeit cautiously) and allow him to try and be a father (is this his first?). He will have a lot to learn and will need to demonstrate his commitment (to the child, not you) so that you can trust him as a father. It is his child too and fathers are important.

Mediation might be useful to try and find a mutual agreement. It will be difficult to go from not seeing him to him being around especially at such an emotional time. Particularily if you are breastfeeding he will not be able to take the baby out and about for more than an hour or so so the better relations can be between you the easier it will be.

Good luck with the birth (...almost like sneezing, but just a tiny bit more painful...!) & I hope that you can find a way to parent together.

Yes, it is his first in theory (another woman claimed last year her child was his)
Benefit of the doubt is such a hard thing to give when he has destroyed my trust and I never want him near me or my family again
The bit I put in bold above terrifies me.

NAR

Congrats on imminent arrival of Baby-woo.

Think you are well aware that first priority must be safety of baby. If his drink problem still exists then I would be reticent to allow the visits to be unsupervised until you are certain the baby is in no danger from ex being under the influence.

He made the mistakes and you are now in control of the situation. If he shows that he is in control, ie no alcohol problem, then I think he should get reasonable access that you are content with and also that is sensible with a small baby.

emsywoo123

That's the thing Fairy, I totally have no idea about the drinking and how much he still is. He has shown no interest in the pregnancy from about 5 months when it became apparent we would not be getting back together.....I really thought he had walked away.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

He'll be drinking. I'll put money on it.

Register the baby without him. If he's that committed, he'll go through solicitors and jump through every hoop to prove that he is clean and fit to be classed as a parent.

Regular drink testing would probably be something you could insist on IF he takes this to court. And fully supervised contact.

By the way, I haven't noticed one poster on here that has ever said


"my Dad was an alcoholic and was a great father, always reliable, always trustworthy/supportive, always kept me and Mum happy, safe and well fed/looked after; in fact, I wouldn't have wanted him any other way".

In what way does a child deserve to have that foisted upon them as part of their 'right to a father'?

missiemog

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I totally agree jojo, but he says he does not drink as much/ at all etc etc (I personally do not believe a word the man says, but he is a damn fine actor and others will) and I am worried about what rights he will have and what he will do-I plan on getting the birth certificate without telling him so that he does not have PR, but can he go through the courts?

he'll have parental rights regardless of being on the birth certificate. if he is the baby's father, he has his rights regardless of how useless a person he is.

however, you are the baby's mother and it is up to you to decide how, where and when he sees the baby. get some legal advice as to how to proceed. it may well end up that he should have supervised access if it's proven he is still drinking. try and get some advice now before baby arrives so that you're not hijacked later on if he decides to push the issue while you're emotionally and hormonally vulnerable.

you do NOT have to have him at the hospital if you do not want to. tell the hospital staff that you do not want him there and to keep him away from both you and baby. also tell family not to inform him of you going in.

you're in charge here. you call the shots.

clearingout

you need to ask him blunt questions about his drinking. See what he says.

the official CAFCASs line on babies and contact is 'little and often'. Or at least it was in my case. I breastfed (still am at 15 months before he goes to bed, bless him) which helps you gain some control but it won't last forever. If he takes you to court, they will order access although how much/how often will depend on whether you can persaude a judge he's not fit to care for a small person as a result of alcoholism. Courts can, and do, order liver function tests which is worth knowing. My little one is now with dad the equivalent of 2 nights a week - he had no interest in him till he was 6 months old and he got rid of his girlfriend (long story) so we took it from there. He esentially had him twice a week for about 2 hours for a little while and built up from there. The overnights were forced when he refused to return him to me one evening (another long story) at 10 months old and to be honest, it seems to have worked out OK (at least, he's not at home screaming in my house, is he?!!).

It's hard 'giving away' a baby to someone you don't like very much. Try to see it from baby's point of view - he/she has a right to know their father and to have a good relationship with him. You have no right to interfere in that. As a matter of interest, did he discuss maintenance? Whilst the courts don't deal with maintenance and contact in the same breath (CSA is set up to deal with maintenance, the courts will order contact even if he never pays, just be aware of that - you're not allowed to link the two), it's worth getting that organised from day one. I can only assume as you've been on your own it's you and your family who have forked out for all the baby equipment. You might want to suggest, if he's serious about being a good dad, there's more to parenting than standing outside the delivery suite....Good luck!