support for those affected by alcohol

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  • chevalierchevalier Forumite
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    I lost the post I was going to write. When I can remember it again, I will resubmit it. But please be sure you are not alone. never that. I hope that you have the strength to make the choices that are right for you and your families
    chev
    I want a job that is less than an hour driving away from my house! Are you listening universe?
  • Peaceandfeedom.

    I am responding to your comments as you could have been writing about me.
    The regulars on the giving up/ cutting down thread are aware of my story so this is a (very) short version.

    Many years ago my wife was advised to accept, change, or leave. She eventually left and we had a 50/50 clean break divorce.

    For the first time in my life I was living on my own.
    Paradise.
    I could drink whenever and whatever I wanted. No nagging wife or alienated children getting on my back.
    Paradise lasted for about nine months before I was admitted to hospital as an emergency patient and given a 50% chance of survival. It was to take two months in hospital/rehab before I would accept that I was an alcoholic.

    On the driving issues I had my licence suspended for six months by the DVLA, not because of any traffic offences, but because I had been treated for alcoholism.
    Many members of AA have arrived there because of driving related problems.

    After so many years of abuse by me the process of bridge building with my ex and children is a very slow process but I do believe that time is a great healer.

    In my five years of sobriety I have met many members of Al-Anon. They are real people who will be able to indentify with every word that you have posted.

    I wish you well in your journey to peace and freedom.
    Living Sober.

    Some methods A.A. members have used for not drinking.

    "A simple book for complicated people"
  • 1sue231sue23 Forumite
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    Everything you write sounds so familiar. Especially the bit I've highlighted above. It's hard to know how much it's affected the children. I know that more than one of their friends stopped coming around on a Sunday afternoon because they would get shouted at by my husband (for leaving a door open or something trivial, he's a great one for slamming doors).

    I don't know who to talk to in real life, no-one would believe how he behaves at home. People would look at me in amazement when I say I rarely shout at the kids but he's always shouting at them. He says and does so much that he can't remember afterwards.

    You are so right - I do feel shame and I feel alone and I feel no-one else I know has this problem. He sees a lot of his own family (does a lot of drinking round their's) and I do wonder what they think. I don't really get on with them though.

    I'm glad your husband finally realised he needed to sort himself out and that your family life is happy now. I find it difficult to picture a future with my husband, so much resentment built up, so many wasted years.

    I think the shame comes from your own feelings of failure ,somehow I felt I was responsible for what was happening maybe if I was a better wife then it would not be happening ,if i did things differently its hard to put into words why I felt the way I did .i was well aware the neighbour's would hear the rows and see him staggering around ,he used to hide his drink in the bin next door ,the children played a game with their cousins it was finding the hidden drink supply ,it made me feel so ashamed I would hide myself away and try to ignore people I knew it was the not knowing what they had seen or heard ,he has a good and responsible job and I lived in dread of being invited out to functions I knew how it would always end I would plead with him not to drink and he always promised not to ,but the moment we arrived he would start and as the evening wore on he would get louder and louder ,if I said anything I would just get put downs no matter who was listening ,at one do it was pulling a young woman onto his lap and announcing that he would trade me in for a younger model ,it was not so much what he said but the look of pity on others faces and how small I felt ,and then later in the hotel room trying to sleep on the floor by the door of the room just in case he tried to leave the room to get more drink ,and the fear of him driving the car to find drink ,I would hide the car keys and then he would get angry and push me around while he tried to find them ,at times like that I would be very afraid of what he would do and as the years went on he would get more abusive ,so a pattern began I tried to control his drinking and he would fight against this ,it got to the point where I would take the children and sit in a park all night sometimes because I was afraid of what he would do ,as the children got older my son from the age of 12 would try and defend me and would confront him ,now when I think of this I realize that how wrong this was and that i should have walked away and got help ,the children suffered terribly and all three suffer from lack of confidence and are at times very unsure of themselves their childhoods that should have been happy and secure were far from it ,I think that as an adult I could have done much more to protect them ,but I felt I had no where to go and could tell no one how bad it was I always lived in the hope that that binge would be the last .
  • jo1972jo1972 Forumite
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    fantastic post as always RA xx
    DFW Nerd no. 496 - Proud to be dealing with my debts!!
  • elantanelantan Forumite
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    hi all .. have been reading and thinking alot about what people are saying ... thanks jo for explaining some things ... i know i have seen hubby say thats it i am not drinking today and i know right there and then he means it ... and yet i have seen him within a short time start to crave alcohol .... its quite an interesting thing to watch (not pleasant though) ... he starts to get moody ... then he craves sugar .. this is really bad for him he will eat anything sugary drink anything sugary ... he has this internal battle going on and i can see him trying to beat it (this bit is heart breaking to watch) ... i feel for him when he goes through this ... he becomes more irritable till eventually he looks for a squabble so he can have a drink ... i think he needs to feel like he has an excuse for a drink ...

    its horrible watching it it really is ... but over the years i have learned when the next stage is coming and i have learned to behave accordingly ... its strange i was thinking last night about a time when we went to visit a fellow mse'r and stayed the night with her family ... they are wonderful people ... anyway hubby and i had had a discussion about him having an addiction and he was at the stage where he was adamant he didnt so was gonna stay dry a week to prove it ... to which i replied a week you can do no porblem do a month .... so he said right i am gonna do a month ... anyway our holiday was planned during that month and we were staying with a fellow mse'r ....i phoned said mse'r and explained that hubby was an alcoholic and that i would much prefer it if he wasnt offered a lager while we stayed ... i had no right to do that but i was that panicking about things .... incidently he was a dry drunk that holiday ? anyone had experience of a dry drunk ? man they are almost more annoying that a drunk ... he lasted 28 days


    i have more to share but will do so later ... have fun and take care everyone
  • jo1972jo1972 Forumite
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    I really didn't want to keep posting on this thread, just read and thank as I don't think it's my place to post again after explaining my situation yesterday....but I just HAD to post something quick *rolleyes*

    An alcoholic will do anything to justify that drink, it's not just for your benefit but for the drinker too, it helps with the guilt i.e. sunny pub lunch, social occasion, angry, sad, happy, hot toddy by the fire, nice with a take away, relaxing after a stressful day, sharing a bottle of wine over a nice dinner (possibly another one being secretly drunk too?).

    I had a 2 week detox in 2006 and remained sober for 30 days, I wasn't ready to quit, it was the alcohol service that pushed me in to it. Didn't want to stop, hated every minute. Was fine during the detox as I was spaced out on librium for 10 days but then had nothing to back up on and was the most miserable dry drunk there ever was...thought about drink 24/7 and was so sad, distressed and drowning in self pity. I was relieved to have a drink on day 31 and I think everyone around me was too....
    DFW Nerd no. 496 - Proud to be dealing with my debts!!
  • elantanelantan Forumite
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    Oh yeah jo I hear ya on excuses .... How about a little game .... What's the saddest funniest commonest excuse you have heard ... Try for funniest ... I know I could do with a giggle
  • elantanelantan Forumite
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    And please feel free to post ... I know it's helping me
  • jo1972jo1972 Forumite
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    I don't know if any of mine are funny as such but a common one that I use (oops used..) was ensuring that I would forget something at the shop that I could not live without which meant I'd have to go out by myself later and buy beer. On a Sunday it was always gravy or some sort of condiment for the roast dinner. At least once a week I would tip anything between 4-8 pints of milk down the sink (at one go :eek:) and pretend we'd run out. I would tell OH that the gas had run out when it hadn't and couldn't cook dinner till I'd bought some. I have purposely left my phone at my mums house (cant live without that!) so I'd have to drive back round there later when the kids weren't in the car....tons tons more....this happened daily. OH thinks I'm having an affair cos he can't understand why I had to go out EVERY night. I just blamed it on me being forgetful ;)
    DFW Nerd no. 496 - Proud to be dealing with my debts!!
  • edited 30 October 2010 at 5:33PM
    jo1972jo1972 Forumite
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    edited 30 October 2010 at 5:33PM
    elantan wrote: »
    And please feel free to post ... I know it's helping me

    I don't want to appear to be taking over your thread (I'm known for that ;)) xx
    DFW Nerd no. 496 - Proud to be dealing with my debts!!
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