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Alone and need advice from strong people

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Hi,

I am in a very low place at the moment, and cannot seem to get a straight answer- feel like I'm very vulnerable and banging my head against a brick wall.

Our 24 year marriage ended with the Absolute being granted on 6th April this year. He left in June 2007- I ended up applying for divorce.

He is a high earner, I am on benefits and have suffered from mental health issues for about 15 years. Largely as a result of his mental bullying.

My solicitor made a complete mess of the settlement- he dissipated loads of joint money to the point that there was nothing left to negotiate at the FDR hearing, so I got all the equity in the house, and joint lives maintenance.

I understand I can apply for a variation of this maintenance order but have to prove a 'need'.

How do I prove that? Our youngest (17) lives with me. She is a t college doing a-levels and receives EMA, I am a full time carer for my parents as an only child and receive CTC,IS CB,CTB and carers allowance. (i was a carer for a year or so before separation 4 1/2 years now).He pays 105 per week maintenance for myself and our daughter (we also have a son 23), but, having 'lost' his 70k a year IT contract suddenly just before the FDR hearing, is miraculously now back working earning similar amounts, but lying to the CSA- they are so fallible and a total waste of space.

I am at my wits end- could not put petrol in my car or give our daughter lunch money today. My bank account runs down to zero each and every week.

I have been left in the FMH which will need to be sold next year and to be honest it is a liability- costs a fortune to run, in fact every penny I get, and consequently I have no life, whereas he moved back in with his dad once he'd dissipated all joint funds, and lives rent free, all expenses paid, on an 70k salary. Problem is there is only about 100k equity and I have no chance of getting a mortgage.

I know joint lives maintenance was granted because of the disparity, he never wanted me to work despite my grammar school education and my qualifications and career much better than his at time of marriage, and I feel hopeless and let down. Please help- how do I do something with this maintenance order?
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Comments

  • vwelsh13
    vwelsh13 Posts: 259 Forumite
    I don't know but can the local C.A.B. help you? best of luck xx
  • RAS
    RAS Posts: 35,725 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    edited 20 October 2010 at 2:29PM
    Please go over to the child support forum as there are people very clued up on the issue. It sounds like you need to ask for a re-assessment urgently.
    If you've have not made a mistake, you've made nothing
  • Oldernotwiser
    Oldernotwiser Posts: 37,425 Forumite
    In the short term I would also look at the Old Style and DFW Boards for help with managing your money. In the longer term you may be due more but you really shouldn't be struggling on the income you have at present.
  • Juicyloo
    Juicyloo Posts: 268 Forumite
    edited 20 October 2010 at 2:31PM
    In the short term I would also look at the Old Style and DFW Boards for help with managing your money. In the longer term you may be due more but you really shouldn't be struggling on the income you have at present.

    Why ONW, should I not be struggling on the income I have at the moment- do you know my outgoings?
  • pinkshoes
    pinkshoes Posts: 20,569 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Juicyloo wrote: »
    Why ONW, should I not be struggling on the income I have at the moment- do you know my outgoings?

    Perhaps you should re-read your initial post, as I thought the same.

    It states you got all the equity in the house, get £105 a week maintenance, then on top of that carers allowance, CTC,IS CB, and CTB.

    This does sound like rather a lot, and there are many on here who survive on far far less!
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
  • thorsoak
    thorsoak Posts: 7,166 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Post a soa on the debt-free wannabe board.

    You have got a reasonable income - as you say we don't know your outgoings, but people on the dfw board might be able to see where you can make savings.

    Your mental health may well improve as you are now shot of your bullying husband - and once you have your finances in order you could well find that you are ready to think about getting out into the workplace once again - I know its going to be hard out there in the next frew years - but maybe you have a talent that you could put to use to start a small business of your own - that would be one in the eye for the bullying ex!
  • NAR
    NAR Posts: 4,864 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Also is your son contributing to the household bills? If not, time for him to start.
  • Juicyloo
    Juicyloo Posts: 268 Forumite
    Son works full time as plumber and lives a little way away. He does not come into the finances.
  • NAR
    NAR Posts: 4,864 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Juicyloo wrote: »
    Son works full time as plumber and lives a little way away. He does not come into the finances.
    Sorry it was just the way you mentioned him in post #1 I thought he lived at home.
    But, as others have said above, you need to review your outgoings. You cannot expect to maintain a lifestyle without the income.
  • clearingout
    clearingout Posts: 3,290 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    I take it he's self employed? If he's not and you know where he works, just give that information to the CSA (in writing, keep a copy, send it recorded) and ask them to reassess. If he is self employed, you can still provide that information so they have something to be asking him. The issue with the CSA is that they can't challenge unless they have some information to do it with. It's no good calling them useless if you don't give them information and you do need to arm yourself with the facts of what they can and cannot do. If he's self employed, you have a bigger issue but it's not unsurmountable, depends how clever he is and how determined you are.

    As for joint lives maintenance, you can ask for an upward variation if you can prove hardship and he has the money available to bridge the gap. You do, however, have to prove to a judge that you're not living the life of riley and just wanting to sustain that. Sadly, after divorce, many of us have to lower our standards of living and accept far less in life than we previously had. I also wouldn't feel hard done by on a joint lives maintenance order - these are increasingly difficult to come by, as I understand it.

    You do need to consider your options for making a bit more money. I am sure you have lots of transferable skills - you just need to pull them out of yourself and get them down on application forms. Many homemakers make great adminitrators as they managed money (petty cash in the work place, balancing the bank account at home...), juggled 15 things at the same time, ordered in what the house needed etc. etc. You just have to get creative. I also know it's easier said than done but a positive attitude will work wonders - smile as much as you can, you can't help but feel more positive if you do!
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