I think my MIL is going to ask to move in.

scottishchick27

My MIL has asked if she can come round to speak to me and my OH tomorrow night and I have a feeling she is going to ask if she can move in with us. :eek:
She is in her late 50's and at the moment is staying with her partner but the relationship has broken down. She has asked to be housed by the council but I don't think there are any houses for her in our village so could be months or even years before she gets one. The thing is, she lived in a council house for years and then bought it with compensation she received after her other son was killed in an accident. She sold that house to move in with her partner who had his own council house. I don't think she has much of the money left as she's been quite frivolous with money in the past year.
Me and my OH (we're not married but have lived together for 12 years) own a two bedroom house but we also have an 8 year old daughter and though space isn't tight we don't have enough room for another person in the long term. She would have to share a room with DD and we'd struggle to get another bed in with all her toys.

Has anyone had any experience of this? I think I'll struggle with another woman in my house but I can't really object as she is his mother.

Tropez

I think you should talk about this with your OH and see what he says, to be honest.

If you believe that your MIL is going to be asking to move in then it is best you bring this up with your OH before she actually does ask and puts you on the spot. Leaving it until tomorrow night could be disastrous.

You can't put a 50 year old woman in the same room as an 8 year old child for any length of time more than a couple of nights. It simply isn't practical or healthy. Your child will likely feel slightly resentful that her space has been invaded and your MIL is hardly likely to share the youngsters bed time and at 8 years old she needs to be getting sound nights sleeps.

You could offer to put her up on the sofa as a temporary arrangement if that is possible. It might sound harsh but you don't have the room, unless you have a garage or attic that could be easily temporarily converted but if you don't then you have to think about the effect it will have on your family.

Talk it over with your OH as soon as you can and explain your concerns.

Amanda65

Have you spoken to your OH to how he would feel about it ? I think it may be worth you two having a conversation this evening so that you present a united front if / when she asks. I think if she does move in you should be clear about how long it is for and set a time visit.

My other question would be why she thinks she would qualify for a council house when she gave up her own house and has spent the profits from it ?

scottishchick27

Tropez wrote: »

I think you should talk about this with your OH and see what he says, to be honest.

If you believe that your MIL is going to be asking to move in then it is best you bring this up with your OH before she actually does ask and puts you on the spot. Leaving it until tomorrow night could be disastrous.

You can't put a 50 year old woman in the same room as an 8 year old child for any length of time more than a couple of nights. It simply isn't practical or healthy. Your child will likely feel slightly resentful that her space has been invaded and your MIL is hardly likely to share the youngsters bed time and at 8 years old she needs to be getting sound nights sleeps.

You could offer to put her up on the sofa as a temporary arrangement if that is possible. It might sound harsh but you don't have the room, unless you have a garage or attic that could be easily temporarily converted but if you don't then you have to think about the effect it will have on your family.

Talk it over with your OH as soon as you can and explain your concerns.

Thanks, he came home from work at half seven, quickly had supper and then went out to play pool for the local league so I didn't get a chance to mention it earlier. He should be home in the next hour though so will see what he says. I think she'll drive him nuts TBH. He works early in the morning and then does work when he gets home so is usually tired and a bit grumpy during the week. I know not to bother him but she'll be trying to chat to him all the time. :cool:

scottishchick27

Amanda65 wrote: »

Have you spoken to your OH to how he would feel about it ? I think it may be worth you two having a conversation this evening so that you present a united front if / when she asks. I think if she does move in you should be clear about how long it is for and set a time visit.

My other question would be why she thinks she would qualify for a council house when she gave up her own house and has spent the profits from it ?

My sentiments exactly and I've told her so too. I think it's disgraceful to be honest.

I'm not sure what the time frame will be but even a couple of weeks is going to be too long for me and I have a feeling it'll be for months.

Amanda65

scottishchick27 wrote: »

I'm not sure what the time frame will be but even a couple of weeks is going to be too long for me and I have a feeling it'll be for months.

Perhaps you could offer to help her find somewhere to rent. Does she work? What was the arrangement when she moved in with her partner regarding finances? If a chunk of her money has been spent on his house and she is moving out surely there should be some repayment.

scottishchick27

Amanda65 wrote: »

Perhaps you could offer to help her find somewhere to rent. Does she work? What was the arrangement when she moved in with her partner regarding finances? If a chunk of her money has been spent on his house and she is moving out surely there should be some repayment.

I'm having a look for rental properties at the moment. She does work but only part time. I think she paid for the food and he paid all the other bills. She spent a fortune on his house, it was gutted from top to bottom but I can't see him giving her anything towards it as she basically put out all his furtniture and replaced it with her own things when she moved in and will now take all her stuff out again. I understand why her OH was extremely hacked off at the time which has led to them splitting up after being together for 10 years.

easilydistracted

You definitely need to have a serious chat with your OH about this. I have recently had the grinding experience of having my partner's mother and sister living on and off with us for about six months.
They came over from another country and hadn't made proper plans- they do live in care work and assumed it would be ok for them to stay for anything from a few days to a week every two weeks to every month. They landed this on my OH when they arrived and announced it in conversation with me.
The whole thing has been a nightmare from start to finish. We let them stay for a bit and the amount of time and lack of notice got worse and worse. They spend money like water when they're not working which is why they dont use their money on accommodation. It has led to tears and arguments and most likely damaged my partners relationship with them permanently- and frankly affected ours as well. As for their views on me, I think they hate me by now but I am simply past caring! They are staying on two more occasions before they return home. They are due to come back and we are simply not going to allow them to stay after this. I need to support my own family and they simply can not accept that there are other people who we need to prioritse.
We found it difficult to say no as we have a spare room. You simply don't have the room. I would seriously recommend that you say no from the start. Unfortunately with some people you give them an inch and they take a mile. The one saving grace is that now we're giving them a consistent message

scottishchick27

easilydistracted wrote: »

You definitely need to have a serious chat with your OH about this. I have recently had the grinding experience of having my partner's mother and sister living on and off with us for about six months.
They came over from another country and hadn't made proper plans- they do live in care work and assumed it would be ok for them to stay for anything from a few days to a week every two weeks to every month. They landed this on my OH when they arrived and announced it in conversation with me.
The whole thing has been a nightmare from start to finish. We let them stay for a bit and the amount of time and lack of notice got worse and worse. They spend money like water when they're not working which is why they dont use their money on accommodation. It has led to tears and arguments and most likely damaged my partners relationship with them permanently- and frankly affected ours as well. As for their views on me, I think they hate me by now but I am simply past caring! They are staying on two more occasions before they return home. They are due to come back and we are simply not going to allow them to stay after this. I need to support my own family and they simply can not accept that there are other people who we need to prioritse.
We found it difficult to say no as we have a spare room. You simply don't have the room. I would seriously recommend that you say no from the start. Unfortunately with some people you give them an inch and they take a mile. The one saving grace is that now we're giving them a consistent message

That's two of my main fears, one that it will affect my relationship with my partner and the other that it will affect the realtionship we have with the MIL. We get on very well at the moment but I do like my own space and would probably find it hard having someone else in the house all the time, even my own mother. I really can't see there being a happy outcome to this at all but I keep thinking what would I do if it was my mother who was going to be homeless? Saying that, my mum would never put us in this position.
Good luck to you and your partner, I hope it works out for you.

easilydistracted

scottishchick27 wrote: »

That's two of my main fears, one that it will affect my relationship with my partner and the other that it will affect the realtionship we have with the MIL. We get on very well at the moment but I do like my own space and would probably find it hard having someone else in the house all the time, even my own mother. I really can't see there being a happy outcome to this at all but I keep thinking what would I do if it was my mother who was going to be homeless? Saying that, my mum would never put us in this position.
Good luck to you and your partner, I hope it works out for you.

Fingers crossed it should its working out ok. The advantages are that it is a very amusing story to tell which people never tire of- they are all horrified and my partner and I do laugh at their cheek sometimes. And you're too right, most parents would never ask this of their children. The extremely ironic bit to the whole saga is that my partner's mother didn't raise him and he'd seen her once in about five years prior to this! The thing is people usually have other options. Your mother-in-law can lodge somewhere on a part time salary. I'm sure it would be better for her to have her own space.

cattkitt

See, that's not a mother in the way people think of a "mother", with all the respect and status that is due to that word. Maybe more accurate description would be "biological mother"?