Its tough, it will get better and guess what its freezing brrrrr!

sammy_kaye18

Morning all

Am a very depressed sammy_kaye this morning.

Things are set to get much harder for me as I think we are finally calling time on mine and Owens relationship.

Despite me spending 99% of my life cleaning/tidying/child raising/school runs/ bill paying/working/cooking and budgetting I still do not meet his standards. He told me yesterday that I leave the place a mess (ok it looked less than gleaming yesterday as Id just changed holly and it was a Sunday morning !!!!!!) but he threw a strop and took Holly up his mothers telling me he needed time away from me as he couldn't live with me any more. So I did my basic cleaning yesterday which was on the cards and spent time with Benjamin. I did have a little cry before he left but after 3/4 minutes I was fine. I spent the rest of the day willing him to come home early so I had my baby girl back and not because I wanted him here.

Apparently we never talk but when we do he puts me down calling me stupid, tells me to have a word with myself if I cant explain something right, says things are a stupid idea (then usually ends up doing what I say anyway) and he throws tantrums like you wouldn't believe --- talks to me one minute, doesn't the next. His friends/motorbikes and cars seem to take priority over me and the kids - he was even out motor crossing up until my last week of pregnancy with holly.

I think at the moment I am fighting the head Vs heart battle. My head keeps telling me I'd be fine by myself, able to cope, i know the money saving ways, i know what I'm entitled to, could find a weekend job and all my friends tell me I'm virtually a single mother anyway as Owen does nothing in the way of help me financially or other.

But my head is telling me that Ben and Owen are really close and he'd really miss his daddy and after the last 8 years of having Owen around I think I'd miss him too but his constant b!!vhing is wearing me down.

Feel like crap today and hes off work still because he was suspended for having a confrontation with a co worker. Hes been off the last week and done !!!!!! all bar sit on facebook and faff about with bikes.

feel like crying.
:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

ceridwen

Hi

I cant leave little Sammy struggling on her own - as I know will be the case for many of us....as I know a lot of us like Sammy.

I have too much respect for how much Sammy tries to get her life on straight rails...and HAVE been watching how things are with Owen and crossing my fingers he'll "come good".

Sammy - I hope you manage to get things sorted out okay.

I guess the first questions that come to my mind are:

IF you and Owen were to split then:
- who would get the tenancy of the flat? Would it be you?

- how much access would Owen want to the children (I know you well enough to know that you would grant all the access he requires...) - so how much do you estimate he would give in time/attention/money to the children if you were to split (as compared to the amount he gives right now)?

mambury

Sammy_kaye.....

I;ve been a lurker and you post made me want to post in reply...... Big Hugs..... I won't belittle your OH as I don't know him, but it does sound as if he is struggling too..... The only bit of advice I can offer is to put yourself and the kids first. I grew up in an unhappy relationship (mum & dad), and its not fun as a kid....... If he is putting you down all the time like that the kids will pick up on it and they will grow up thinking that is how men should treat women and then cause problems for them in later life......

I am here to offer help and advice if I can!

Thanks
Mambury

PS - you lot are bloomin amazing.... how you manage on such little money I don't know. I have been a long time poster here on MSE and it has helped me a great deal..... Now I am deathly worried about the VAT rise in Jan, so I guess it's time to tighten belts even further (not too many holes left though, in true MSE style!!) in preparation.....

[Deleted User]

If anyone needs hugs today Sammy-kaye it is you. You have been such an inspiration and at such a young age. I remember when you needed wellies and didn`t have the money to buy any. You and your partner have been together about 7 years? The 7 year itch really does happen and I remember me throwing things at my dh, out of sheer frustration. No man knows what it is like to feel totally exhausted after having a young family, keeping house and holding down a job of any kind. Then all they see is the `coolness` at bedtime when they might want hanky panky. Time for a little courtship to come back into your life. Ask him straight SK. That cave syndrome really does happen with men, they retreat and we are left wondering what we have done wrong. Leave him alone when that happens and he may emerge a better person after some thinking time

littleowl

Sammy - you have great strengths and will cope. I know it is difficult to decide between emotion and common sense. Give yourself time and space if you can and what you really want to do to resolve the situation will become clear. Take care.

ceridwen

Sammy

Who do you have ITRW in the way of older women friends? (well apart from the one we know about - ie Val - but then she's not "accessible" IYSWIM).

It is easy to listen to just the advice of your own agegroup - but a bit of "historical perspective" from a woman or women in an older agegroup who have been through the mill is what I am referring to - someone who cares about you. You have us "oldies" on here - some been through the mill in marriage and some not.

Do you have anyone like us ITRW?

ceridwen

littleowl wrote: »

Sammy - you have great strengths and will cope. I know it is difficult to decide between emotion and common sense. Give yourself time and space if you can and what you really want to do to resolve the situation will become clear. Take care.

If there's one motto I try and go by in cases of problems it is - none of us know all the facts in any situation. That is simply not possible.

Gather all the facts you can (in this case the practical ones to do with money/flat tenancy/etc) and be clear about them in your mind - sounds like you might have done that already.

Having done that - I can only speak personally - but I take the view that something/Someone/my subconscious mind (who knows what it is - and we would all differ on that....) DOES know all the facts and will take into account the facts we have no way of knowing, but that DO impact upon us. We ourselves, for instance, have no way of knowing that it would be a bad idea to drive the car a certain way today - as we dont know that a carcrash is about to happen that would involve us if we were on that route. Something/someone/our subconscious/whatever-the-heck-it-is DOES know and will warn us if we listen that for today we must drive on a different route IYSWIM.

So - I guess what I am saying is "Listen". Try and find some "space" to "listen" and the "route" to take will hopefully become a bit clearer.

v1ckyt

Sammy-Kaye, I'm another reader lurker here, and have been where you are now, I tend to beleive that things work out for the best, whatever happens, (prefer the glass is half full option!!) You are very resourceful and smart, and whatever happens you will survive and continue to bring your beautiful children up extremely well, have faith in yourself whatever happens, and know that you are a good, worthwhie person. Hugs to you and all who need them.

Rowan9

Hello all - another one here who has popped in to say I'm thinking of you Sammy Kaye. You are such an inspiring, kind and helpful person on this site, and one we admire very much. I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time. Look after yourself and don't listen to the belittling comments at home. Rise above that. You go girl!!!
W

SDG31000

Another longtime lurker here. I just wanted to offer my support to you sammy_kaye18. I think that you are doing a fantastic job, how you do it I don't know, but I admire you greatly. DH and I went through a very bad patch four years ago and in the end I issued him with an ultimanuim. He was told that his attitude towards me changed, we went to councilling or he packed his bags. That was enough of a shock for him to examine his behavour and for him to change. You have to be prepared to follow through and issue promises and not threats, but for us it worked.
Another way to look at it, if you don't feel that would work, is to ask yourself if your daughter came to you and told you that she was being treated the way that you are by her boyfriend/partner, how would you feel? I bet you that you would be on the warpath on her behalf. Holly would be worth fighting for and so are you. You deserve to be treated with love and respect and you are entitled to all the help you need.
Take care of yourself and those gorgeous children of yours please.