The Memorygirl Matrix

susan946

thriftyscotslass wrote: »

Psychopathbabble; redsquirrel80; se999; fantasia322

Thank you all for your thoughts and sharing your experiences of toxic family members.

Very, very long story - cut very short. My biological family is severely dysfunctional: alcoholic father; alcoholic brother; passive-agressive, narcissistic, enabling mother.

My role as eldest child within the addiction chaos was that of family "caretaker" - from my earliest memory I looked after everyone, a very common role for the eldest child in dysfunctional families.

Alcoholic father died 23 years ago; broke contact with alcoholic brother last year (best decision for my own family). Have now reached end of the road with my mother. As they say in addiction circles, "I'm done" - all I want is to leave the chaos behind; all I want now is my serenity.

So, yes after she set me off again today and I spent the day stuffing food in my mouth trying to squash down all the negative emotions - part of my 50 day plan will be to eliminate contact with my last remaining toxic family member, my mother. Feeling calmly positive and very much at ease for having finally reached a decision.

You must be a really strong person to have remained sane amongst such a destructive environment. I really admire you.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing. You cannot change other people's behaviour directly and there comes a time when you have to put yourself first. You have been a loyal daughter and sister and it's *your* time now.

Good luck over the next 50 days.

Sue

Surfbabe

Evening - just caught up from last Saturday evening !!!!

Boy does this thread move quickly.

Count me in for the 50 day challenge - it just fits in nicely as we are going surfing in Morocco on 20th December.

Off to try and log in to Matrix - will report back with my challenges when I have finalised them

clairewop

Well I have been on the wii fit Its telling me I'm off balance Doh!! Will be my right arm is a lot smaller than my left LOl.

Hopefully it will help me lose a bit of weight.

thriftyscotslass

susan946 wrote: »

You must be a really strong person to have remained sane amongst such a destructive environment. I really admire you.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing. You cannot change other people's behaviour directly and there comes a time when you have to put yourself first. You have been a loyal daughter and sister and it's *your* time now.

Good luck over the next 50 days.

Sue

Thank you for the lovely compliment Sue (((hugs))).

Strong - I have only started to feel strong over the past 18 months since ds (18) was diagnosed with Autism. It's amazing isn't it - you don't know what reserves of strength you have until your children are threatened. Prior to that, I was always bullied by my mother within my family. I learnt never to challenge her at such an early age that it was ingrained into me - I was also unaware of this submission - an instinctive method of survival if you will.

It took quite a bit of therapy and an awful lot of reading for me to get up off the floor and stop being the family doormat.

Sane - that's debatable :rotfl:. One of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again expecting different results (Einstein). Well that was me - I don't know how many years I spent doing exactly the same thing thinking this time their behaviour will change; this time I will be treated differently. It took me many, many, many years to learn and accept that no-one has the power to change another another person's behaviour - that change can only be effected by the person in question.

Yes this is my time now - I have spent 45 years being a victim of family addiction now it is time to move forward as a survivor.

Memory_Girl

Hi Guys

First of me drawing breath all day - my new helper has really ht the ground with both feet and a bang:p

DS1 and his best friend have gone out the local farm-shop event where they are having a "spooky party" for Halloween so they have all been here, full of sugar, having a party with DS2 who is dressed as a spider and has sung his party piece of "Inchy Wincy Spider" about a dozen time - complete with little bow at the end.:D

Two year olds are so cute!!

Popped my little spider in bed - and then answered the phone to a very dear ex of mine telling me that one of our mates, actor Gerard Kelly died today of an anyurism.

He was only a few years older than me, the life of the party and a fitting carrier of the baton left by our dear old panto dames, Rikki Fulton and Walter Carr.

So sad - so sad.

I have sorted out my 50 day goals - but will report in on them tomorrow on the Matrix as you can imagine many of them are busines related.

I think an evening of wine and old cast phoographs may be on the cards instead.

Have a lovely evening

Memorygirl

Double_Trouble

tellmeitsfriday wrote: »

What've I done :O

I didn't volunteer to collect from MK i am afraid - it's miles from Plymouth.

I wish I could... sorry x

oops sorry had a stressful day will have another look

DTxx

OK its because I had a quick search of the thread and tellmeitsfriday quoted the original poster who was in fact snorer so its snorer that needs a pm sorry tellmeitsfriday is the one who likes puking in IKEA snorer just wants to shop I think !

Triker

psychopathbabble wrote: »

Not sure if it's a similar situation but I have no contact with my biological mother, I moved out when I was 19 and cut all contact by the end of that year. That was 2004, I haven't seen her since although I finally accepted her friend request on facebook. I don't talk to her when she messages me except to acknowledge information about family members (my aunt has recently been diagnosed with widespread terminal cancer). This is the best way for me as she is incredibly toxic for me, and I have changed quite a lot in the past 5 years. I still have a bit of a temper but nowhere near as bad as I was and my life is a lot more peaceful and predictable, instead of the turbulent, unpredictable life I grew up with.

To be honest, the best she ever did for me was to be the person I don't ever want to be. I guess in that respect she did me a favour.

So, don't feel guilty about need to cut a family member out of your life. You need to do what is best for you, not always easy but healthier in the long run. xxxx

Could have been written by me except I became estranged about 25 years ago, give or take a few stupid mistakes whereby I gave her a chance and she blew it, she cannot maintain any semblence of control for very long, mine is seriously mentally ill, very sadistic too.

So I figured out that you win that particular battle by never entering the arena to participate in a sparring match, there's no point, save your energy and your love for someone who deserves not someone who will continously hurt you and yours forever.

Memory_Girl

Can just say - having just caught up with what you guys have been discussing today - and yesterday come to think of it.

I am deeply humbled and honoured to hang aroung with women of such strength and courage. The support and compassion you have shown one another over the last few days is truly heartwarming.

You are all "everyday Angels"

Bravo

Memorygirl

thriftyscotslass

I just wanted to come on and say how truly amazing this thread is - I've never experienced anything like it :j.

Yesterday we had women supporting women who have "lost" their mothers to strokes and Alzheimer's. Today we have women supporting other women who never really had mothers in the first place due to dysfunction, mental illness and addiction.

I love this co-operative way of hollistic support through sharing openly.

Where are all the men - come on in and play; it works. Yoohoo Mike Cooee:hello:

Goes off humming - Sisters are doin' it for themselves...

thriftyscotslass

MG - made the same-ish post; great minds think alike

Does your book contain speed-reading / writing advice????

I am very slow at both - you seem so speedy and this is definitely an area I could benefit from.