Shared custody and effecting benefits?

balletshoes

mumof1and1ontheway wrote: »

im just curious as to if i sign the letter saying he has 50/50 custody of my eldest can that be used against me in some way in the future if end up on bad terms?

I would say definitely don't sign anything like that, especially if its not true! That kind of evidence could be used in future custody cases, if things turn bad between the 2 of you.

zzzLazyDaisy

I agree - don't sign anything without seeking legal advice first.

In any case, you are the primary care giver and you have responsibility for looking after your child and baby. You must be dead on your feet with all this to think about when you have just given birth and are coping on a day to day basis on your own without enough sleep. Now is not the right time to be making these decisions.

I would suggest that you tell your ex to go out and look for work, and that you are happy to work round his commitments to ensure he sees his child as much as possible. I can't think of any reason why he should be placed in a better position than a married man (for example) who goes out to work to provide for his children and sees them at the end of the working day and weekends (if he's lucky).

He should be out working and paying maintenance, and making your life a little easier, instead of trying to cajole you into allowing him to use visits from his child to get him out of looking for work.

If I were you I would tell him that you are not prepared to sign anything at the moment, and you will look at this again in (say) six months when things have settled down.

Good luck, and hugs x

freyanneke_2

Just thinking... where does your ex live if he does not work or gets benefits? Or did I miss something?

Have you asked for a referral to the paediatrician for the little one? It might be shedding some light on why you little one is having so much trouble. Sometimes it is something completely different then you think. My first son cried so much. I carried him around for about 18 months. It turned out that he had an intolerance to milk and soya. The paediatrician got me to try out different formulaes, that I could buy with a coupon, but breast proved in my case to be best. Later, much later, we found out that the little mite had a problem weeing. He got an operation when he was four and was whistling when he went to the toilet after that.

Don't ever forget your instincts. You wonder now about your ex's motives and if you think it might all blow up in your face somewhere down the line. That only means that lots has happened. No, your priorities should not be with being nice to him and sorting out his life or even make it easier. You are responsible for two little ones and you. If I was in your shoes, and I have been, I would not try and link too many things with him. Contact is one thing. Not being supported financially another. I know you don't really want to be relying on financial support from him, but why would you support him? Giving nappies, fine. Money? You must be joking. Good luck with the CAB, they are there to help and even though it will never be perfect, you sound like a really good mum. Don't get sidetracked!

Savvy_Sue

I wouldn't sign anything without legal advice either, and also, if he decides to put in a claim for CB he CAN do it without discussing it with the OP first, and then her claim will be stopped while hers is investigated, AFAIK.

zzzLazyDaisy

I was reading about this just the other day - the mother's CB was stopped because the father claimed to be the parent with care. The mother was told there was a backlog and it was impossible to say how long the investigation would take. The father did not notify the mother first and only saw the child on an haphazard and irregular basis, so his claim was malicious.

I have no idea how a 50/50 arrangement would be viewed, but CB cannot be split, it goes to whichever parent is the primary carer, and CTC follows it, which potentially puts OP at risk of losing this money.

Another reason why OP needs legal advice - but tbh I agree that she should follow her instincts, and clearly she has alarm bells going off here. I wouldn't sign anything.

freyanneke_2

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

I was reading about this just the other day - the mother's CB was stopped because the father claimed to be the parent with care. The mother was told there was a backlog and it was impossible to say how long the investigation would take. The father did not notify the mother first and only saw the child on an haphazard and irregular basis, so his claim was malicious.

I have no idea how a 50/50 arrangement would be viewed, but CB cannot be split, it goes to whichever parent is the primary carer, and CTC follows it, which potentially puts OP at risk of losing this money.

It will take them about 16 weeks to sort it in my experience last year. You need supporting evidence that you are the primary carer. And no, CB will not be split, but you could pass it on to someone else. Something I would never advice. It also could affect your pension entitlement.

freyanneke_2

Could you get another solicitor? Dealing with a divorce with a solicitor who does not know enough about custody will only be a pain if your ex starts playing games. Please put as much as you can on paper, background info about your relationship, his strong and weak points as a parent, his contribution towards the children and all the things you have provided for him. Hopefully you never need it, but if you do, you don't have to try and remember all the trouble you have gone through. Try and arrange a contact plan through your solicitor and put in on paper after you found out how it will affect your IS. It gives you a starting point.

knithappens

Do no sign a thing, right now he knows you are vunerable, if he wante to help out he woudl have both kids not just the, yes you are sperated, but he would be comign to see you all at home to help with little one too, I smell a rat in that he wants to claim so he does not have to look for work. Right now, it is ok for you because you are stressed with little one so him having the eldest for so many days a week sounds good, but this can be a slippery sloap, it wont alwsy be this way. I have been where you are just recently single with 3 and new born with reflux etc, is does get easier.

Please do not sign a thing, and get yourself in a routine in time, let him have eldest for the weekend, as in a few years he will be at school, and depending where he lives could make school and childcare a night mare, and like you siad you want to go uni, and you need to get things inorder now, not wait until then.

To me it sounds like he wants to sue this situation to claim, right now he could find a job, and have your son the days he does not work, but it seems he does not want to do that.

Also you are going through a divorce, you sign this is coudl mean that when it comes to custody he has evidence to suggest he gets full custody etc, and if i was you i woudl change my solcitor, a Divorce solciitor should be clued up on custody, if he is not that rings alarm bellls in that it is not his area of expertese.

space_rider

My ex husband had our children who were 5, 8 and 11 when we split up 3 nights a week. He had a job. They went to before and after school club when he had them but not when I had them as I worked child friendly hours. When he had them I used to work 9 til 8pm. He too wanted the child benefits which I refused. He did somehow manage to claim tax credits when they first came out for a couple of years. They refused my claim and it was only when I tried to claim again I was told they were the subject of another tax credit claim. How he did it without having the child benefit, I don`t know. If I were you, I wouldn`t let him have any of the benefits. Why can`t he find a job even if it`s only the days that you have them.

What would happen to you financially if he decided that once he gets the benefits to stop having the kids. It would then take you ages to sort out and leave you with no money. No way. You must not do this.

lindsaygalaxy

I've read this thread and previous posts by you, and personally, I think he's taking you for a ride. You have a new baby and ofcourse you are finding things difficult at times, so him taking your eldest for a few days gives you a break, but this is not 50% of the care, as you still have the little one. He is paying you no maintenance (which he should be) but you are offering him vouchers and money??? As the kids get older they become more expensive, and what if something happens like you need a new washing machine, or school uniform, all these things need saving for! There is no reason he cannot get a job, and PROVIDE for his children, like you have said you intend to work when your newborn isnt so new. He is using it as an excuse, as you could always have both children in the day in he could have them over the weekend. I think you are being too nice. I understand that you're tired and stressed (I was in a very similar situation), bu tyou dont want to end up agreeing to things you will later regret because you previously agreed.