Money Moral Dilemma: Should I help out my ex?

JoannaS_3

pacemaker wrote: »

If he left you for his own house and can afford to buy it, then let him get on with it . He has already refused your money ,but I bet when he lived with you he let you do all the house work and of course he should have shared expenses. Maybe he is telling you in his own way that this relationship is finally over and you need to forget about him and move on. (bet he saved money for his house while living with you!

Yes I agree, sounds like you should try and come to terms with what's happened (easier said then done I know) and cut your ties with him, getting a loan for him will only prolong the agony!

gaily

You know what..... I thought I'd had my say on this post, but having read 'imtheoneshestalkingabouts' post - and the ones that follow, i'll have another go at my tuppence worth.

It sounds like an amicable break up - without anyone else involved at the time. 'She' seems to be wondering whether there is a debt owed, and 'he' has told all of us, that he doesn't feel there is - and sounds like he would actually have more of a problem with it if money were to be offered. :cool:

In my non expert view, if you are still friends and decorating needs doing - He can bring the paint, she can bring the elbow grease, and you can split the beer and takeout:beer:. When he's ready to do it, he'll sort out the grim state of the bathroom.

That way, she can feel she's done something to help his house - as if he ever gets a new lady in his life, she may change everything anyway!!!!

Good Luck with your firendship, and here's hoping that the new ideal partner for each of you is just round the corner.

AlwaysWorking

gaily wrote: »

Here's hoping that the new ideal partner for each of you is just round the corner.

What a lovely thing to say. Thank you. From your lips (or fingers in this case!) to God's ears as the saying goes! :rotfl:

I'm the OP...never thought my dilema would be used, but am glad it has been as I have appreciated the input of everyone.

So many of you were spot on, even with the few details provided. K left me seven weeks after getting engaged and six days after booking our wedding. He says there was no one else involved and I believe him. He simply didn't love me enough to get married.

He is a truely wonderful man and supported me for most of last year when I was out of work. I previously worked in the property industry and no one is recruiting. I applied for lots of jobs, from office junior up and constantly felt guilty about K paying my bills. I did however think our relationship was for life and that the house we lived in would be our family home when we married next year. When I got a job I offered to remortgage with K and have his name put on the deeds.

K has decided he no longer wishes to have any contact with me. He has said we cannot be friends whilst I still love him. So unfortunately I cannot do any of the practical things suggested to make his new home more comfortable. As he mentioned, the money involved is not insubstantial. If I had it, I would give it to him today. But I don't...hence the thought of getting a loan and working more hours in my 2nd job to pay for it. I hate the thought of him living in what is effectively a building site because he doesn't have the money to finish the work needing done. I know that is my fault.

I have listened to everyone's advice though and I think perhaps I will investigate ISAs and start saving....then I can give K the money in lump sums. Or use it to drown my sorrows next year on what would have been my wedding day!! :rotfl:

Thank you everyone for your input.

mariella6

not enough info,maybe he doesnt care about the kitchen and bathroom, maybe he owes you financially previous to him helping,maybe he doesnt want to be beholden to you, but if he is really someone you value and want to be valued by and he wants you to, help him out and feel good about yourself

JoannaS_3

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

What a lovely thing to say. Thank you. From your lips (or fingers in this case!) to God's ears as the saying goes! :rotfl:

I'm the OP...never thought my dilema would be used, but am glad it has been as I have appreciated the input of everyone.

So many of you were spot on, even with the few details provided. K left me seven weeks after getting engaged and six days after booking our wedding. He says there was no one else involved and I believe him. He simply didn't love me enough to get married.

He is a truely wonderful man and supported me for most of last year when I was out of work. I previously worked in the property industry and no one is recruiting. I applied for lots of jobs, from office junior up and constantly felt guilty about K paying my bills. I did however think our relationship was for life and that the house we lived in would be our family home when we married next year. When I got a job I offered to remortgage with K and have his name put on the deeds.

K has decided he no longer wishes to have any contact with me. He has said we cannot be friends whilst I still love him. So unfortunately I cannot do any of the practical things suggested to make his new home more comfortable. As he mentioned, the money involved is not insubstantial. If I had it, I would give it to him today. But I don't...hence the thought of getting a loan and working more hours in my 2nd job to pay for it. I hate the thought of him living in what is effectively a building site because he doesn't have the money to finish the work needing done. I know that is my fault.

I have listened to everyone's advice though and I think perhaps I will investigate ISAs and start saving....then I can give K the money in lump sums. Or use it to drown my sorrows next year on what would have been my wedding day!! :rotfl:

Thank you everyone for your input.

Hi there, I think you sound like a lovely lady and if I could I'd give you a big hug!!

I think having a look at ISA's is a good idea but in the meantime just look after yourself, try and mend your broken heart and enjoy discovering who you are again!

Your ex sounds like a nice man so only save what you can reasonably afford to and when you are back in touch try and help then if you can afford to and it is appropriate.

Take care of yourself and I really hope everyhting turns out ok for you!! x

RedSpecs

I think your intentions are good, but you sound like you need to move on as you are struggling to let this man go. He made the decision to leave, so its up to him to sort out his kitchen and bathroom.

Besides which, if they are functioning then there's no need to replace them. I have an avocado green bathroom, been in our house for 8 years, and its still there - and it works perfectly well! We've never had the money to replace it but I would be horrified if a friend offered me the money to do so. Especially if they were going to get themselves into debt to lend me the money! If he's that desperate to do the kitchen and bathroom, he can get himself into debt. Otherwise he can live with it.

I wouldn't start going round with casseroles as one poster suggested either. Be friends by all means, but don't turn into his mum! He might well get freaked out and you could lose him as a friend as well.

Good luck, and concentrate on looking after yourself untill you are feeling better about things.

pjsmiffy

NO
He helped you out in part to keep a roof over his head (and something warm in his bed)

The only exception is if kids are involved then it is an investment in there life.

Even then Debt is to be avoided.

oldnewhand

Although you're not really in debt to him as he gave you the money, I feel you owe him half of what he gave you if you wanted to be ultra fair. The other half of the money being his rent and equal contribution to running costs. If you have can manage to save this amount without taking out a loan it would be a lovely gesture to give that back to him. It might also help to bring closure to the living together part of your relationship as I have a niggling suspicion that you are willing to take on a loan not just because you are a kind, fair minded person but because there is still a little ember burning..?

fatal1955

Taking on extra borrowing to try to get rid of feelings of guilt is asking for trouble, especially if interest rates rise in the future, which they are certain to do eventually. Instead I would take his "don't worry" at face value and look for other ways to express your gratitude for his generosity in your time of need.

spinkykirst

If you had lots of money now then you should repay him, just on principle, but it would be ridiculous for you to stretch yourself to help him out. Especially since he left you :mad: