Money Moral Dilemma: Should I help out my ex?

Ebenezer_Screwj

Why on earth should you ? You owe this man nothing except for a lot of emotional upset. Why shouldn't he live with a "grim bathroom and kitchen" while he saves up to replace them ? Don't be a mug.

TBagpuss

My first reaction is to say 'No' - you were partners in a relationship, he helped put when ne essay and has made it clear he doesn't expect to be paid back.

I am curious, though. Other than when you were made redundant, did he pay 1/2 of the bills, mortgage etc? If he paid less than that, you can view it as swings and roundabouts - sometimes you paid more and were supporting him, sometimes the other way around.

If you hadn't separated, would either of you have expected him to be paid back?

That siad, you obviously aren't comfortable with it so why not tell him you appreciate his help, and would be happy to help him out, say with decorating etc, or to make some sort of payment to him in instLlments, so you don't have to go into debt. Talk to him about it. You are clearly both reasonable people, so explain how you feel, what you could afford and see what he says. And if he says that he doesn't want it back (after all, even with those payments he may feel he was living more cheaply and in better co dktions than had he stayed single) then say thank you and draw a line under it.

awehla

When you lived together you were a team and like a married couple. He left you and now you are two separate units. So the answer to your question is hell no don't pay him anything. You have your life and he has his and boo hoo he should be happy he has a house.

Seakay

From what you've described he made the payments as a gift to you and because the house was his home at the time.
Now he has his own home, which is not your home, and is living a different life.
Look at it this way - do you feel obliged to pack up all the birthday and Christmas presents that he has ever given you and return them?
Just because it's cash doesn't make it less of a gift (and I say this knowing that I'd feel the same as you if it were me because money always does feel different to things, but in this case it isn't)

zzzLazyDaisy

Fitzmichael wrote: »

You don't owe him anything.
I don't like that LazyDaisy.

Okay, I could have phrased that better - what I really meant was that OP doesn't owe him anything in a legal sense.... hence my suggestion that she saves up and helps him out when/if she can, rather than getting herself into debt by getting a loan to give him the money.

Sheepster

No, no...a thousand times No!

Totally ignoring what financial footing with contributions your relationship might have had - this isn't given -

Never but never get a loan to loan to someone else. This is more than madness.

IF - and only if - you had a lot of spare cash yourself, then perhaps you could have offered to help - but why really should you.

Much better to give emotional and friendly support as the friends you now are.

The thing about an ex is - there's always a reason for someone being an ex. Sometimes it can be quite bad reasons, other times it can be over silly things, or just a simple realisation you just aren't cut out to be romantic/sexual partners rather than just a heck of a good friend.

This is coming from a guy who has recently had a separation, and still loves his ex partner to bits as a friend and has done everything he can to make sure she's comfortable and looked after. Yes it hurts but we all have to move on.

Trust me as a guy - there is a very good chance he doesn't care less about the grim kitchen and bathroom lol.
If or when he gets a new serious girlfriend, you can be sure that will probably change.

There is a strong possibility he would be absolutely horrified if you got a loan to help him., This would very likely end your friendship. I know I would freak out if it was me.

If he's struggling, go round as said with a cake, or a takeout, some beers and a dvd (action dvd of course - chick flick is off the menu). If you really want to be generous, then buy him a toaster (Nice stainless steel Asda one at the moment reduced to a tenner).

dawsar

No, don't do it. He gave you money because he could and he wanted to. He then left you to get his own house.

He obvioulsy has a kitchen and bathroom, even though you describe it as 'grim'. He says he isn't bothered about the money, so leave it at that. Why should you take a loan if he isn't bothered?

steve3742

Hmmm, I'm going to buck the trend here.

There's two things here:

1) He helped you out when you were down. Therefore, you should help him out if he's down. No question. You owe him that. And I appreciate this won't be easy with the break-up and everything, but that doesn't change the moral position.

2) That being said, if you can't help him out without going into financial debt, then it's (presumably) not the same as your situation when he helped you out. If you can find some way of repaying your obligation to him without going into debt, that would be best. Failing that, and if he really means it when he says that he doesn't want the money, perhaps you should leave it for another time.

AUCHINDOUN

Pity you didn't mention the reason WHY your ex left you. From information given he doesn't sound a bad bloke and was good enough to help you out in your time of need. You're also still friends which is good. No way do you take out a Bank loan - absolutely no point in getting yourself into debt. If it was me, I would try to help out in small ways if and when I can. Why not do a bit of a makeover with paint and paper, maybe some new bits and pieces? By all acounts your ex doesn't sound too worried about it.

Idiophreak

When you break up, you should draw a line under the relationship and move on. In order for this to work, severing financial ties between the two of you seems pretty important. In a relationship people help each other out. Just because you break up, this doesn't magically turn into debt. No reason to pay this back whatsoever.