Money Moral Dilemma: Should I help out my ex?

Deanevans

Guilt is a selfish action. If you want to help him, do. If you don't, don't.

katyboo123

It's tricky when you split up and are financially linked. But I am a firm believer in paying your debt to friends and family as you never know when you might need them again. Plus, I believe in being a good person and won't watch someone who's helped me out in the past struggle, when I know I could do something to help.

Pay him back a bit at a time with the overtime that's available. Given you're still mates offer to help him re-decorate the kitchen and bathroom (DIY makeover rather than forking out on a new one). He doesn't have to pay someone to do it that way, you're clearing your debt without getting a loan, he's there again if you need him and you can have a laugh whilst you do it!

He might have 'given' you the money in the past, but think about how it made you feel. Did it help you out? Nows your opportunity to repay his generosity, kindness and love as your partner at the time with the love of a friend now.

Mind you, make him promise he'll get the cans in and you can listen to your favourite music while you're both hard at work!

tallgirld

It doesn't sound like he actually wants you to help him. If you had a few thousand quid stashed away and felt like repaying him for the money he GAVE you then fine.

But he gifted it to you and he has no problem with it. Sounds like a good bloke!!

pineapple

Not quite the same thing but when I was in need, some friends put me up and then lent me their house free of charge. Later on, I was in a position to repay the debt in several ways. It's what friends do.
I don't think you should put yourself at risk by trying to repay what you can't afford. But when you are more able, by all means help him out. Maybe in the meantime there is help you can give with no financial cost?
I think the point about having to draw a line under the relationship is not for everyone. When my ex left me, friends were amazed when I helped him with the move and with his budgeting! But later on, he stored my furniture when I went overseas. It's about doing what feels right for you.

Valhaz

What a nice guy he sounds!
I think you should pay him back, but that you should wait until you're more financially secure before you do it.

jamboron

If you feel guilty, then make him an offer of a small loan and give him a payment and tell him "that`s what friends are for" helping each other out stating how you were very grateful for his help previously.

compforus

My situation. Married he left me. We had a joint debt to his parents and sister, so he asked me to contribute towards paying them off. I did and years later found out he did not hand any money over to them and spent it on his new girlfriend. His parents had believed for years that I had taken money from them.

The moment the relationships ends you should each be responsible for your finances irrelevant of what went on before.

gailsmum

No, there is no obligation to return a 'gift' and you certainly should not put yourself in a loan debt position.
The ex can't be skint to even think about buying a house just now, regardless of the state of some of the rooms.
I'm sure he will cope without your financial help, and pressing the money on him when he has said not to worry about it could harm any friendly relationship you're left with after the breakup.
Bygones and all that, time to move forward ...............................

proverbol

Yes - one good turn deserves another. He helped you so you should help him. This keeps you in contact and, who knows, he make realise he should not have given you the 'elbow. At least you will feel good about yourself and he may feel guilty. You know it makes sense! Good Luck.

HeadAboveWater

Fair enough he says not to worry now? But if there ever comes a time when you fall out with him, he'll probably come looking for the money and threaten to take you to court.

Happened to me.

(PS. Sounds harsh I know. But that's long story short. Feel free to PM if you want to chat or ask questions)