Money Moral Dilemma: Should I help out my ex?

NatFeerick

Absolutely 100% NO! When he gave (not loaned) you money he was investing in the relationship too. Don't invest in the memory of what once was or the dream of what might have been.

mr-tom_2

When you're together, you share, when you're not, you don't.

I can well understand why he wouldn't accept the money - I wouldn't either (in the nicest of senses - who wants somebody getting a loan just so that I can have a nice bathroom?)

Suggest you buy him a gift instead. Maybe a nice hamper or something. And a rubber duck.

matchmade

You don't say whether you normally split all the costs equally while you were living together, or whether you split the costs in proportion to your incomes: you should have had an agreement when he moved in about how to share the costs. However it does sound doubly unfair on him: he paid after your redundancy to cover your share of the costs, and he also "paid" because he was contributing to a capital asset (the house) in your name, which over the long term means you will make money on the rise in value of the house. He effectively allowed you to keep living in the house even though you couldn't afford to live there. He's also had all the costs of establishing a new home to bear, whereas as far as I can see, you've got out of the relationship for free in financial terms.

You also don't say why he moved out: other replies are assuming he "dumped" you, but for all we know, you had an affair and he moved out for that reason, leaving himself out of pocket. Perhaps your behaviour after your redundancy made you difficult to live with and he couldn't stand it any more. Or perhaps the two of you simply fell out of love, which means there should be no blame on either side.

Anyway, judgments over who was to blame in ending the relationship should not affect your responsibility to deal with the money issue. It sounds like he was covering your share of the costs because he cared for you, and still does at some level, as friends, but that should not absolve you from paying him back. You had an implicit agreement: you weren't "sharing everything" like a married couple, you were living together and covering the costs in equal shares. I think therefore you should do the extra work and arrange to make regular payments to him. What if he now loses his job and is in danger of losing his house? No-one "needs" a new bathroom, but everyone could do with some extra savings. He was there to help you when you needed it, so you should help him back now.

toffeecoated

I can't understand why you split up. You sound perfect for each other. But you should never borrow money to give to someone.

Jacks_xxx

:wave: Don't borrow, but start saving for money to offer to him if you like. When he refuses it (and I think he will) you'll then have a little nest egg.

If he was just contributing to bills as all sharers and cohabiters do then I don't think you owe him anything.

Maybe you need to see him less and focus on your own life. Once the feelings about the breakup subside the feeling that you owe him anything will subside too I expect.

gaily

My view is that however badly off his house is, he's not asking you for money. Most of us move into new homes knowing we have work to do in the fullness of time.

If you are friends - and can be secure that you will not need more from him than this - then RuthnJasper has it licked, offer to help him decorate and renovate, offer food parcels whilst he's decorating, but don't hand over any money.

It's amazing what a good bit of paint will do to a place when you can't afford to change everything yet.

But, here's where I would fail... if I had issues about the relationship, then I would steer clear. I'd end up taking a bottle of wine to go with the food, get drunk, and make a pass at him - and that could kill the friendship.

Ms.Manage-meant

Hey there, ( my first post, warning: strong :female: views )

Sounds like you got a whole heap of stuff to work through including what should happen to any money you might make / save / spend / return / think you owe etc.

This can be a really difficult thing to do if the relationship was hard to end had no problems and did not end badly.

On the other hand it can be sometimes difficult for some women (and men) to NOT feel guilt about money within relationships. Or indeed, have been so deeply manipulated (myself included) financially that they don't know which way is up!

The subtleties of financial abuse in relationships can be at times soooo subtle and rely on our emotions, guilt , our sense of what is right, just and equitable, that when financial abuse occurs, it is done with great planning, psychological dexterity and expert precision, that it ends up simply 'making sense' to the abused.

I'm sorry I have gone on a little here about what may NOT have been happening or is still happening to you, but It screams off the page, 'emotionally and financially confused' ( as was my experience) and very readily triggered me in this reply.

hope you make sense of your experience.

best wishes
T

BNT

As a general rule, I think it is reasonable to help friends, or anyone else for that matter, when they are in need and when you are able to. But that doesn't create a reciprocal obligation to repay or put the recipient in debt to the giver. You should help out your boyfriend if he is in need and if you are in a position to do so, but not out of a sense of debt to him. My reading of this is that his need is not that great and, if you are talking about taking a loan, I don't think you are in a position to help him right now.

Pellyman

If he says "not to worry" then DON'T (worry).

At least there doesn't seem to be a 'baddie' in this dilemma - which makes a change! Two apparently 'nice' people treating each other with some respect and courtesy. Only Lee knows the situation of their respective contributions when they were living together in her house and if the partner's contribution was excessive, whilst he was helping out, then she may feel morally obliged to make some repayment. That's fine, but not to the point of getting herself into debt again.

Of course, if he wasn't contributing his full share of their joint living expenses when they were together that may explain his laid back approach to Lee's offer of repayment. His bathroom and kitchen are not really her concern - he must have known what he was getting into when he bought his house and presumably has plans to improve both in the future in his own good time and, hopefully, without getting seriously into debt.

Lee's made the offer and they are still friends so it appears the matter can be left there and, if either of them get into trouble again, they can talk about it then. Let it lie Lee.

poppy84_2

I think that any money he gave to you at the time, was a gift and should be treated as such. He's obviously in a sound enough financial position to have got together a deposit on a place and is able to pay the mortgage, and a lot of us put up with less-than-perfect features in a house that we're planning to be in a while, knowing that we will improve them.

Your concerns don't sound like those of "just a friend" - they sound like you are still overly involved and concerned about his wellbeing. If he hasn't actually asked you for money or confessed to having any financial difficulties then I think it's strange to insist he takes money from you, especially if you can't afford it yourself, what madness!

He made contributions to your house while he was living there, which seems fair enough - presumably if you were unable to cover the mortgage he would have been homeless too. For you to now make contributions to his house while getting nothing in return - and it's not an emergency situation like failing to cover the mortgage - is not the same thing at all. I think stay out of it, and maybe stay away until you really see him as just a friend.