Money Moral Dilemma: Should I help out my ex?

wba31

regardless of what he says, if he left you, say good bye and good riddance. dont go throwing money at him, when he lived with you did he say that helping you out was a loan? no he didnt, he was simply paying his way. you owe him nothing. instead why not save the money up, and have some work done on your house to treat yourself!

tim_n

It's in the past and he's drawn a line over it. He sounds like a nice guy to have done what he's done with decent standards and doesn't sound like he's screwed you over. Paying him money back isn't going to get you back together and it doesn't sound like he will think of you any less for it - he knows the position you're in. If you're feeling charitable, save up a bit and buy him a nice housewarming gift to say thanks as you're both still friends - it certainly doesn't have to be at the same level as the money he _gifted_ you - it could be something home made (like jams and chutneys etc). Stay friends, good friends (like he sounds like) are rare to find.

megababe18

Hi, I concur with the general sentiment. You can't afford to pay him back in one shot, so taking a loan would be silly. I say set aside a bit of money to give him each month and supplement this with odd jobs that come your way. Calculate the total amount you owe him (with a little bit on top - like £20, for good will/interest) and then save that money to hand over to him when you hit target.

Don't tell him you are doing this since it will be a nice surprise to get the money all at one shot in hand - rather than a promise that he may count on (you never know, you might not be able to save as fast as you planned).

But more to the point, your reaction to the situation (extreme guilt and a need to please) indicate that you want his approval - and are willing to put your financial equilibrium at risk to get it. That is not something you do for a friend, so your motivation seems romantic. Are you trying to win him back? If so, money is not the way to go, try doing it with helpful support. Offer to paint his kitchen with him or something. this will appease your guilt and give you time with him.

that's the way I think at least!

zzzLazyDaisy

You don't owe him anything. You were in a relationship and you shared expenses. That is right and normal.

You are no longer in a relationship and you are not responsible for him. I agree with other posters - it sounds like you haven't yet got your head round the fact that the relationship has ended. However hard it is, you need to draw a line under it, and let him make his own way - financially and otherwise.

If you can afford to put a bit away into a savings account and help him out later - as a friend - fine. But don't get yourself into debt by taking out a loan, and tying yourself to the past. You will regret it.

JayD

I think you are only feeling like this because you are still holding a candle for him and want him to have good thoughts about the kind of person you are.

He sounds like a good chap and a fair one. He paid his way and helped out when he lived with you because it was the right thing to do. So, in a way, paying him back is a bit ungracious and I think you suffering (via taking on extra work to fund a loan to do so) is a bit self indulgent on your part.

Let it go. It's gone. It's over.
If he is happy to stay your friend, then be just that - and not one that is in his face, reminding him of his romantic past with you.

zoolander1978

Was he was paying his fair share of the bills when you were living together?

If so and he gave you the money to get out of a tight situation the right thing is to give him the money back!

I wouldn't take out a loan but I would save up some money and pay him back in instalments when you can afford it.

If this man was not your ex but a flatmate I am sure the responses would be very different!

I think they would be different if the woman had loaned the money!

Fitzmichael

If I was your ex (I'm 69 now) and had told you the same thing, I wouldn't want you to feel guilty about it; I would presumably have thought it was the right thing to do and not have changed my mind just because things didn't work out - after all, it wasn't you who ended the relationship and he seems an honourable guy and may also feel guilty. If you remain friends, then maybe you will find an occasion, when you no longer feel guilty, to tell him that you'd still like to do something to show how you appreciate the help he gave you, which not all house-sharing boyfriends would have offered to do. Then you'll both feel happier about it.

Fitzmichael

Can you be overly concerned about someone? Overly involved, yes; that may make the situation worse, but if there's a balance, then too much concern is better than not enough.

Fitzmichael

You don't owe him anything.
I don't like that LazyDaisy. In such situations we owe it to each other to remember the good times. That way we'll end up with a positive feeling about our life and those who impinge upon it, looking forward as well as back.

Wallsendmark123

I can fully understand why you feel the need to pay the money back to your ex, however I dont think you should give him all the money he lend you back.

To be fair, he lived in your house with you during that time, and its only fair that he should have paid his own way. If i was in your situation id give him half the money back which he gave you to be the uitillitie bills and food shopping only, that way you are giving back what would have been your share and not giving back what would have been his share. As the mortgage is in your name i dont think you should keep the money he gave you towards paying the mortgage,but i think it would only be fair to give him back the money for everything else that would have been your share anyway.

Hope this helps