Money Moral Dilemma: Should I help out my ex?

marich

What is this ? He dumped you , you said . He is your 'ex'.... so what is going on that you want to keep yourself and him tied-in using money (- and doing more hours for it/him !) as rope ?

Let him go . Look to the future . Get on with your own life . Let him get on with his .

thevilraggydoll

Don't get yourself into debt for something you don't need to do.

I would wait until I was a bit flush and *if* I still felt guilty about it I would buy him a belated house warming gift (something useful like a homeware store giftcard) and put it in a card saying 'thank you so much for helping me when I needed it, hope you can put this towards something lovely for your new home.' Then you can put the whole thing to rest and not worry any more.

pacemaker

If he left you for his own house and can afford to buy it, then let him get on with it . He has already refused your money ,but I bet when he lived with you he let you do all the house work and of course he should have shared expenses. Maybe he is telling you in his own way that this relationship is finally over and you need to forget about him and move on. (bet he saved money for his house while living with you!

theoneshestalkingabout

Before I say any more take a look at my username.... I'm not going to mention names but I was sent this link this morning by XXXXX and I'm the Ex she's talking about.

Just to clear up a couple of things, when we were together and both working we did pay half and half for all the bills fuel etc. and I did pay rent. XXXXX did clean the bathroom more often, but I cooked more so I guess that pretty much balances out!

I know I gave you money last year, I don't even know how much it was (but it's not a couple of 100 quid we are talking here!) But I gave it to you because I loved you and I knew that if the situation was reversed you would have done the same for me. Sure if I hadn't given it to you I may have been able to get a house that didn't need as much work - but honestly I would just have given a larger deposit and only saved myself a few quid a month. The reason I bought that place is that it is close to my family and had a big enough garage to put all my bikes in! I would have still bought it with an extra £XXXX in the bank so don't feel guilty.

I would rather you didn't worry about my house and giving me money etc. and worried about looking after yourself.

K x

Brasileiro_Brit

I can't believe some of the posters on this issue!!! What differences does it make whether he chose to buy a house with a dodgy bathroom or even a house at all? You have turned this into a personal issue, maybe we should be asking why the girl had not saved any money and been better prepared for such situations financially??? Neither of these are the issue here!

The issue is she was offered money due to her own financial difficulties and the question is whether she should pay this back as it sounds like a gift..One of the big things is the motive for paying it back.....How would she have coped if he had not been there to 'bail her out'?? Probably a loan from elsewhere, maybe even a financial institution with the added interest!

I agree with most people that she should not get a loan to help him out with his new house, but I do not think she should simply stick two fingers up because they're not together anymore. I agree with Jacks xxx that putting some regular money into a savings account could be one way of paying it back in stages, then if HE chose to gift it to you, you've got a nice start for your own house or whatever. I also agree with niccatw that regular payment to your previous partner is a much better option than to a bank so if it was me, I would pay it back in regular amounts at a level you can afford because you owe the money, not because his kitchen/bathroom is crumby.

The motive should be because you owe him the money and it's not yours, not because you want him to have a nice kitchen.

Augustus_the_Strong

Don't be daft! It's a noble aim to pay him back one day, (partly so you don't owe him anything, and partly because it's the right thing to do), but wait till you can afford to do it.

I'm sure he can manage perfectly well with a 'grim' kitchen and bathroom - I managed for many years with a dreadful kitchen until I had the money to re-do it, and the bathroom is still waiting. If he can't, he can get a loan himself.

Stay friends if you can, it's a good idea, but as you've offered to pay him back and he's refused, leave it at that. You will gain nothing whatsoever by martyring yourself. As he's a single bloke now, he'll probably be eating take-aways anyway.

freddy27

Do not even think about taking a loan to help him out. After all HE left you, and is with another person. So he can take care of himself and another. He is no longer part of your life. If you have funds available, put them in your ISA, and look after yourself. Sounds to me as though he was MUPPIT enough to leave you. As a male of the man gender, I estimate he will be leaving his present partner very shortly. Keep your savings in your own account. He did not deserve a person like you.

Littlemissteapot

You know you shouldn't/don't need to give the money to your ex.

I do believe though that you are using this as an excuse to keep in touch with your ex. Move on. There is no future with him. He is not that into you. Free yourself and use the money to enjoy dating other men and having fab times with your old and new girlfriends. Invest in yourself:0)

JoannaS_3

mummyspoppets wrote: »

What's with this comment? If you want to make sweeping, judgemental comments, you want mumsnet.

Unnecessary and unhelpful.

Agree with you, what a ridiculous thing to say!!! Pointless and thoughtless! You don't owe him anything, it's not worth getting into debt over! He chose to help you as you were in a realtionship, now you're not it's not your responsibility to help so don't feel guilty!!!!

JoannaS_3

toffeecoated wrote: »

I can't understand why you split up. You sound perfect for each other. But you should never borrow money to give to someone.

How did you work that one out?? It's about the money not the relationship!!