Life after bankruptcy?

So_Sad_Angel

Hi Nohope.

As SW says....it really helps to write this stuff down....sort of offloading it so that you are not carrying the burden in your mind.

I had the same with my stupidity with my lender.....makes you realise that they don`t care a jot whats happens really. All they care about is getting their money & when they know thats not coming the repo is just an inconvenience to them.

Try not to dwell on it....look forward & plan ahead. All this process is doing is shedding the financial baggage that you know you can no longer carry....trouble is you have been so used to having it that its all you know.

After a short period of readjustment you will start to feel lighter as the stress also lifts. Then consider your job options etc. I think having some time to yourself to get your head straight is very wise indeed.

crumbling

Don't worry about the keys. If they want them, they can make arrangements to get them from you. You have enough to sort out without wasting time doing their job. So long as you're all sorted and out, the thing to concentrate on is yourself for once

Weird as it may sound, imagine the freedom you will feel after 18 months hard slog.

I thought walking away from my home would be hard but once I'd packed up and moved out, going back there was annoying rather than upsetting. It was just walls. No longer my home, not a home at all really. To me, home is now where I feel comfortable rather than what's around me. I still have what's important to me so I try not to think of what I had or where I was before.

X x thoughts x x

ani_26

Yes. i know everything you are all saying, is true, and i thank you all for replying xxxxxx

I'm finding it really difficult to return to my diary today, as i'm sure you could all feel the pain, i was feeling when i wrote it, and it still upsets me to look at it now. So i thought, well, don't go back to your diary until you're ready. After all, its your decision, you don't have to, until you want to. But i feel i should continue, because of the heartfelt replies.

Its all about practitalities, at the moment, with, of course, alot of emotion thrown in. But even i, sense things are ' shifting ' now and i can't quite put my finger on it. Its been really tough, earlier this week. Having no funds, worrying about money, sorting out my ermmm unorthodox removal, still ongoing things with council, benefits etc, forgeting to apply for my xmas job a month ago, and still trying to focus on actual packing. Bad news and good news. Bad news - i spent my last £20, ( well £19. 09 actually ), as i had to buy petrol to go for my assessment next week, and a small amount of groceries, very small ). Good news - Some pay went into my bank today, ( phew ),from several months ago but sadly, its already spent. It will just cover the cost of the removal, and ensure the next DD does' nt bounce. So really its back to stage one, but i'm relieved i've got the funds for the move now. Hopefully i should have some more pay next week, then thats it. No more outstanding pay. Wait for backdated benefits, ( i hope ). The rent is sorted for now. I've just received another medical form today. Another 27 pages of my degree course - but at least its not as long as the last form. How stressed do you have to be? for £50 a week ? Can i bend down and pick anything up? streuth. I only want £50 a week.I've not worked for a month now. No work, no income, and that was the hardest decision, for me. I've now got to have several trips to the cash point as well, since i don't have the luxury of a chequebook, either, so i can pay the removal man. Its all silly little things. Then i remembered, i'm bankrupt, so had to ring the company for the xmas job, ( even though i've worked there before ), just so i don't have a wasted trip, next week. They think its ok, ( phew ). Its all just little things, trying to get your life sorted. Well at least i said, trying to get my life sorted. At least the xmas job, is reasonably stressless, ( apart from not being caught falling asleep ). Mind blowingly boring, but at least i can listen to classical music all night.

There are so many kind and helpful people on here, and yes i am so caught up with everything i've been going through, i'm still used to, i don't know, protecting myself maybe. But in doing so, i realise i'm very adept at alienating, myself. Seeing some of the posts on the forum, about incessant phone calls, letters,the like.It reminds me of what i've been through. Yes, i've been through all that too. 7 days a week, from 6.00 am sometimes, if i recall, until sometimes 10 o'clock at night. Endless threatening letters. Callers to your home,too. Asking your neighbours questions about you, ( i know, because i've nosey neighbours,that are only too happy to oblige, sweet as they are ), Being too frightened to come home at night. Trying to get in the house as fast as i can. Worrying my car won't be there next mornig. Being too frightened to answer the door. Sitting with the curtains closed all the time, with the telephone unplugged all the time. Not being able to answer any phone. All on my own. And yes. I've asked for it. I've borrowed money, i now can't repay. I don't know why i'm thinking about this now. I must have read a thread. Some threads i want to reply to, i just can't. So if its touched me emotionaly, i reply practicaly. Its the best i can do.What a load of rubbish you're rambling on about.

Done some more sorting today. I found an exam certificate, a failure. I failed my grade 8 piano, only just, but it was still a fail. I remember it. I did'nt do one bit of practise for it. I was too busy enjoying myself, i did'nt do any work at all. But something pushed a button in me at that time. I took it again and passed with distinction. One of the few times i thought, i'm going to get a distniction for that next time. I never put in that amount of effort, for an exam ever again. I found a notepad too, from school. Surprising the things i've kept, but i still can't find any of my certificates, or the one thing i'm really looking for.Its told me things i don't even remember. I must have been 11 - 12 years old. I'd listed what place in class i'd come at the end of the year,for each subject, because everyone was really competitive at school, i guess. I'd come 2nd in English. Bloody Hell. I don't remember that. Out of what? a class of 35, 40? Why did'nt i come 1st then? I think i know the answer to that. My best mate. They were always first in every subject. Except music. I was the school musical genius, and i hated it. But i started off my diary by saying i was rubbish at english. How strange. Then down to art and science. I really hated art, and science, well. I was 32nd in science. I'll always remember that now,lol

I went into my school for the first time since i'd left, a couple of years ago. Most people seem to hate school and would never go back, me included. There were certain aspects i did'nt like. But there was such a sense of peace and tranquility in that building. You could see that everyone sensed it. I did'nt want to leave, no one did.I tore myself away.

I received an unexpected email around that time, from an old class mate. Apologising. They had bullied me at school, beat me up one day, made my life a misery. They could'nt forget what they had done to me. It had stayed with them all their life. I coud'nt even remember it. They had told their children own never to bully anyone, remembering what they had done, and could'nt forget it.I vaguely remember the incident,now and have a vague feeling i know what i said. Maybe it hit a raw nerve. But i did'nt honestly know what to say to them. What can you say?

So if you think i have a strange way of writing, i'll put it down to my education, and you can't change the habits of a lifetime. Its ingrained in me, it was ingrained into all of us, its what was expected of us.Indeed ,my school produced some famous writers, in fact quite alot of famous people in ther field , thinking about it. Although not me. I'm just plain old boring, me. I take people in ' real life ', exactly as i find them. In fact, i'm a real ' people person ' I'm not a snob,i never have been, nor do i aspire to be a snob..So i'm sorry about my writing. I'm not a nutter,or mental, although people think i'm slightly eccentric, because i don't ' conform '. But i stand up for what i believe in, and believe what i say, be it right or wrong.Im sure its probably very easy for people to misinterpret what i say, and how i'm saying it.



What the bloody hell was all that about? I think even, i, can analyse that.

savingwannabe

Petal you are not alone. You have many friends. I will pray for you.

ani_26

Somethings shifting. Hold on to that thought.

ani_26

Then i sit here and think again. I want to go for a walk. The rain is coming in, over the back. Oh well, i'll have to go for a walk in the rain. I need to clear my head again. Maybe a few things that have happened this morning, have triggered some thoughts, i'd completely blanked out. Yes i did. It tormented me for a short while, then the only way i could cope with it, was to blank it out completely. Apart from the physical pain i was in, that is. For months. Maybe people don't believe me. In this world of game playing that goes on.I don't want to be part of this world. Its not safe in my diary either. Open to the whole universe. Who is that? Maybe i should trust in myself. I'm sure the powers that be, can find out who i am, and its all down in records. Everything i've been through. How much bloody debt i was in, hospital records, police records for my accident. Its all there. How could so much happen to one person? Someone up there really hates me. I should be packing still, but most of the pressure has been taken off me now, for that.I'm just waiting for the date now. I've got the keys to my new home, so i can start moving stuff down there if i want. Somewhere to go. Bloody hell somewhere to go. I've not been down there yet, i should go and have a look next week. Even as i'm writing it, its not sinking in. But maybe all this has given me breathing space, literally, to start taking stock.A bit more time to feel calmer. Maybe i'm gone too much the other way, now. I can't be bothered to pack, anymore. I don't care anymore, apart form that one, now two, with my certificates, items,that i can't find. But will i ever take stock?

I probably should'nt be talking about this here. Its not safe. After all i've not spoken to anyone about it. How sad is that. Worse, few people even cared how i was. Except maybe, who i was ,working for at the time. Because they drove the same way home as me, shortly afterwards and saw the wreckage. When they'd seen the car, they thought oh my god, i hope its not. But that was hours later, as the road was closed all morning, i believe

I was lucky, with my injuries i suppose. That i was'nt more badly injured. I've been pulled on many occasions, for non existent reasons. Just because they could. One time, they'd said to me, you should be careful, because if you have an accident, theres nothing to protect you. I've only had one accident in tens of years of driving. Completely absolved of it. Not my fault at all. I don't do stupid things.

But on this occasion my car imploded, but saved me from really serious injury. My life was saved, by my pride and joy.. I don't remember too much about it, because i've blanked and blanked and blanked it. I just remember thinking , oh my god. I told the ambulance crew i had'nt passed out, but i now know, i must have done. My next recollection was the smell of burning, and thinking i've got to get out of here, because my cars on fire. But i could'nt. I could'nt move for the pain, and the shock I could'nt stop shaking. Then someone came and asked if i was alright, and i realised my car was'nt on fire. Maybe it was the dust from the airbag, or the impact. Breathalised, when did you have your last drink. I should be so lucky, i have'nt stopped working. A week ago? All the usual. Off to hospital. Do you have someone we can ring? No. Very frightening. X rays ,treatment, off you go. Do you have a train timetable, please ? no . Oh well, i'll go and wait for one anyway. In the meantime, frantically ringing insurers, work. You've got to come in tonight. But i just had a really bad accident? It does'nt matter, you'll lose your job. Thats how it is with * . Straight back to work that evening. What are you doing here? I saw the wreckage. Well, i did ring in sick. Go home. Well i'm here now.They were very good, helping with lifts where they could, as i had no car for several months.

Everytime i went down that stretch of road where i knew it had happened, i tried to recall what had happened. But i could'nt. I still, to this day can't recall exactly what or where it happened. Even they, were'nt sure. So in the end i gave up. i just could'nt piece it all together, so i blanked it instead of tormenting myself. Now, i can drive down there, and not give it any thought at all.

But it did give me a legacy, and maybe i should have had someone to talk to it about at the time. For a long time afterwards i would feel dizzy and pass out, and i also have moments where my mind gets ' stuck ', and thats not me, I've always had such a sharp mind and tongue. In fact my mum used to say, you're too sharp, for you're own good, and i've only just remembered that, now. But for all this delving into my mind, i simply can't bring some simple things, to mind. Like when i went out a few weeks ago . I was asking someone how their daughter is, because she very ill. Hows ????????? Of course i know her name, but i stood there for what seemed like an eternity, while they stared at me, as if to say, well ? and i finally managed to remember her name.


I'm going for my walk now

savingwannabe

"....Its not safe in my diary either. Open to the whole universe...." it is open to the universe maybe but most of us are reading it as you have struck a chord with us. We are thinking of you. I hope it get's better and i hope the walk helps to clear your mind of some of the stress. sw.

crumbling

hope you didn't get too wet on your walk?

methinks you are starting to heal, very slowly, as there's much to sort out in your stashed boxes (the ones held in the brain, not the cardboard moving ones). we live in fear of opening some of those boxes for years but sometimes when we do, it ain't that bad.

thoughts xxx

ani_26

Hugs crumbling xxxx

I did'nt go on my walk, as ever. Maybe i'm frightened of that hill, because i know what its still saying to me. Maybe because i've switched off to the packing, to a certain extent, and felt guilty, so i started to do some of that instead. But i am definitely going today. The weathers not too bad, albeit windy. Should really blow some cowebs away. Maybe too, after having a slightly more ' inspirational ' morning, it sent me back into, well, i don't know. It seems to take it out of me. The rollercoaster of emotions.



I'm not entirely at ease with my diary, anymore. Maybe its because i'm not at ease with people i don't know, or can't see. To me, trust and respect for everything, is something that is built on. Not bandied about, blithely. Oh, to kill a mocking bird. Maybe my diary does'nt really fit in here, its not appropriate. Looking at a few of the others. Yes, maybe people have got to know each other over a period of time. But they are largely about peoples practitalities. Mine is largely about emotion. Thats the sort of person i've hidden away from the outside world, all these years. Because i'm vulnerable, my emotions are vulnerable. It, has, led me to the place i am now, financialy.I still don't know where i stand financialy, as i wait to see the or's decision. Theres still the battle to be fought when my house is officialy repossesed, a little over 3 weeks now. But theres no way i'm going down that road again. I have, maybe, learnt my fiancial lesson.Someone on here said that the s/e have more of an ability to think outside the box. Maybe thats my trouble. Maybe i think outside the box, too much. Maybe i should think inside the box, more. Maybe i'm thinking inside the box, and not outside the box, at all. Whatever that is? Maybe more people would like to be more like me, but can't. They just don't have the inner strength, ultimately, that maybe i really do have. Don't flatter yourself. Your nothing special. Your a bloody failure.

Maybe thats what all this is about too. Its all inextricably linked. Maybe thats what i'm trying to say. Maybe thats what we'd all like to say. I'm a bloody failure. I've lost it all, and destroyed myself in the process. All my life, one person or another has put me down. And i've believed it. Because it was what i was told. Probably by people full of their own insecurities. Who did the only thing they knew how. Make someone else feel worse than you do. I know that now. I've always thought there was something wrong with me. But maybe not. Maybe people were actually jealous of me. Who knows? I don't know for sure.

I've always been pressurised to achieve. In subjects i hated. But i had no choice. Then i broke free for a while. Had some fun. But in doing so, i did become a real failure. Emotional blackmail. You're rubbish, you'll never be good at anything, no one will ever like you. But tens of years later, i found out the truth. Why they had been like that. It was'nt me at all. But how do you know any different, if thats all you are told.Then on to a similar scenario in marriage. I found a wedding photo yesterday. We both looked so happy. I looked so happy. But i spent alot of time in unhappiness, before i finaly broke free, from that too. I ws married for a long time. Similar scenario. You're useless. You have'nt got a brain. You can't do this. But you underestimated my strengh, finaly, and maybe i had the last laugh. But not now. I know this is all my fault.

Many people came along afterwards. After all, i was ' the ' person. All superficial, though. All intrigued by the ' challenge ' of my mind, and the fact i was ' different '. They did'nt like it though. Maybe too much to handle? Everyone wants someone the same as everybody else. Maybe thats their comfort zone? We all have a pattern to follow. Not me. I'm me. Someone once said to me, why do you have an issue with control? You don't know. No one knows except me. because no one cares enough to listen, or really understand.

So that was it. Approaching **, i decided my life really was going to change. I'd finally realised i was a person in my own right, and started off on my quest to discover who i really was. I really liked that person. But deep down, it was still niggling away at me. Then someone came along who really did understand the real me, and what i was about. By this time, it took many years to build up my trust. Chip away at the wall i'd erected round myself to protect myself. Gradually, i let them enter. But then they destroyed all their hard work. With their own insecurities and baggage. They could'nt accept what was happening to them, and allow, love, into their life. But maybe they gave me an insight into why i'm really tormented about being so thick. They said they were in the top few of mensa. A really high iq. Have you every taken the test' ? No i have'nt. I don't believe in all that rubbish. I 'm sure you've got a higher iq than me. Don't be stupid. Why don't you take the test. Its alot of rubbish. Deep down, i don't want to be proved a failure again. But maybe it explains, my struggle with everything.

So, brick wall permanently in place now. No one will ever hurt me again. No one. Maybe it expains my ' strangeness ' or eccentricity, as the real world, calls it.My isolation, too. But i also found a photo of my first real love, this week, irionically. The things i've ket. My parents destroyed the relationship. We were engaged, but the said they were'nt ' good enough ' for me. What did they know about anything? Looking at that photo this week, i thought, god, they were good looking. Seriously good looking. Wow. Back then, i suppose i had an innocence about me, that will never be rekindled. Full of love and trust for everybody, well, almost everybody. But i gave myself freely. My love and emotions. I felt love and emotions. Well maybe ,pleasant emotions. But its taken its toll.

The sad thing now is, i know there was only one thing i was ever truly looking for. The one thing no one can ever ' buy ' . The one thing maybe few people can address. The one thing that maybe everyone craves? Should i say the word? Love. There, its said

Its lovely and sunny outside. I'm going for my walk now

crumbling

Thoughts x x