Life after bankruptcy?

miggy

Hello NoHope, just wanted to say that ridge walk sounds amazing. Be proud of yourself because so few people have done it and nothing and nobody can take it away from you.
Going back to work... don't let them bully you. You have a kind of full-time job right now with all you have on, and it won't help anyone if you are overwhelmed. I went back after being off with stress - just a bit earlier than I felt absolutely ready for, but it turned out to be right. That's just me, though. You do what's right for you.
Look after yourself - and keep a look out for those hiking boots.

ani_26

I know i said i was'nt going to come here again. It does'nt feel safe anymore . But i've got nowhere else to go. No one to talk to. I've been to bed, and i can't settle. So many thoughts going round my head again. I really feel i'm being stitched up. Maybe some people are taking the michael out of me. And if you read this and know what i mean, then i am.

I suppose i've come a long way this week, but it all feels like an eternity ago, now. I've wasted so many days, and now i'm panicking. But were they really a waste? The moment of truth. Well, that had to be done. Then two days wasted, walking. But in doing doing so, i became alive again, if only for a short period of time. Not this machine thats continously on the production line.Dealing with one thing after the other, all in the name of bankruptcy. How can people, who have'nt experienced all the things i have, possibly know exactly how it feels, to feel how i'm feeling, now? I'm now already in debt again, i suppose you could say, through no fault of my own, and in no position at the moment, to pay whats due. Hmrc completely messing up on my contributions. 5 phone calls before you can get someone genuinely caring enough to look into it. So theres still a hold on my account, for no apparent reason, and even they don't know why, Nothing to do with the ** either. Well, its nothing to do with me, but its now my mess. A new debt, when it eventually gets sorted out. All because i went bankrupt.

Its getting bad. Its sinking in now. This will probably be my last weekend in my home. Because i still have'nt set a definite date in my mind, for moving out. Oh, we are all different people and everybody copes with things in different ways. Its only bricks and mortar. This was my bricks and mortar. My home, and still the uncertainty, of nowhere permanent to live. Get a life you might say. But has'nt someone just fought so hard for their ' home ' , so they can rent it back, and still stay in their home? So it must mean sonething to them, too.

Its funny, it was said to me at the interview, i've been through experiences that really affect you. I had'nt really thought of it in that way. But yes i suppose i have. With no support from anyone either. No real support. All on my own. Divorce, parental bereavement, which has maybe had more of an effect than i imagined, and has helped contribute to where i am now. Then the health issues, which i still can't be bothered to ring up and ask about , now. Then struggling financially, all the harrassment, all the different stages of bankruptcy, which i'm still going through now, after all this time, its still not resolved. Then the ultimate loss. I can't even count down anymore. Its too close for comfort, and i still can't imagine, what its going to be like leaving here for the last time. Its another bereavement, to me, despite what others saying about being positive and moving on. I still have'nt had closure on this one yet, and nor will i until the house is finally sold, and i don't have to fear fighting off the blows from the mortgage lenders, as they too try to 'trap ' me into a new debt. Until my debts are finally written off. Which makes a mockery of all thiose people who are still fighting to pay their dues, or maybe fighting not to end up, where i am now. Who knows?

beanielou

Not sure what to say really.
They say that things are darkest before the dawn & your dawn is coming.
Take care.

ani_26

I was just on my way here, but thanks beanielou xx

A few words or just a smile go a long way, or so they say.

A day of despair, and i'm tired, which probably contributes to making me feel worse. Two words chasing round my head. Repossession and bankruptcy. I wish they'd stop. Go away, and leave me alone. I've had enough now. Its going to get pitch black before the dawn. Even the sunshine outside, does'nt help, today.

Woowoo

Will you be going for your walk today NH? Thats always good for the soul x

ani_26

Maybe i should go for one, even if its only a short one. I did'nt go yesterday. Theres so much to do,just so much, to do

Woowoo

Go NH, even if just for a ten minute walk, it really does help to connect you back to the universe x

ani_26

Thanks woowoo. Ok, i will xx Must go, and do something really constructive.

Woowoo

Come back and tell me about it, what the weather was like, does it smell of autumn, were the birds busy, did you see any rabbits? x

ani_26

I thought of you on my walk today woowoo, even though i've no idea who you are. I went before the rain came in. I'm so glad i went on the ' perfect day ' . I doubt i'll achieve that walk again as i run out of time now. But somehow that would detract from the pleasure i derived from it, when? tuesday? I lose track of the days now. Every day is the same. The weather is changing, and the scenery, unbelievably quickly. Everything is dying now. Visibly dying. Turning brown.

I have to walk to the other side to see the ridge. I'm still an awe of my achievement the other day. How stupid. It was only a walk, when alls said and done. But i must make sure i go up there every day now, to remind myself. I started thinking about clover, and it reminded me of when i was a child. Spending hours looking for a four leaf clover, until eventualy, i did find one. I used to spend hours looking for four leaf clovers.I walked past a gate on the way back, and made the sheep jump, even more so then they startled me.Straring at each other for ages, until they decided i was of no interest, and walked away. Four of them. Do you think sheep really are dumb? or do they have a higher intelligence we don't know about.

I've done some more sorting when i got back, and found something i did'nt even remember owning. Now, i don't want to say what it is, because nothing belongs to me anymore, or is that paranoia? I actually realised a sense of excitement over it. It needs some restoring but its in remarkable condition, considering its age. But i'm not sure how old it is. Could be in the 1700's, maybe not. I'd have to take it to someone who knows. But then its not mine to take, if its worth something. But its real value is in the fact i actually want to play it, to hear what it sounds like, because i've never played it. I wonder what it sounds like? But then, i can't afford to have it restored, anyway.Then, as i think that, i realise i never told the * about the instrument i do play. I completely forgot about it. I've never regarded it as a financial asset, only its intrinsic value. I've never had it valued, even Which is really stupid. It should be insured. But then, i've never insured it either. But you can't insure or replace, emotional value. Surely, even the * could'nt be that heartless.I can't even remember who gave it to me. I suppose it must have been one from my dad. He was always collecting instruments.I think people gave them to him,in kind. Maybe i got one, and they got the other. I always wanted the other one. It had a soul, all of its own. Then they sold it later, and did'nt even tell me. I wonder who has it now? That one was french. This one is german. This ones probably got a completely different soul. But it does seem to have a draw of its own, at the moment.