Life after bankruptcy?

beanielou

Thats all most of us are really looking for if we are really honest about it.

ani_26

Back to more practitalities now. I knew it was the quiet before the storm, on sunday. Got the phone call i was waiting for yesterday. Mass removal date arranged. 9 days to go. I've got to start getting my act together again. But theres so much to sort out, still, in terms of form filling, etc. I received a letter yesterday accepting my claim for benefit, at the same time, the benefits deposited in the bank. Thank god. I'm all up and running with that now. Managed to go and but some food yesterday. At least it should last me for a week or two now. Spent way more than i intended to, £20. I'm used to budgeting and only spending a tenner on food. I always buy things that are reduced, go into the supermarket before they close, and buy the bargains. I've been doing it for ages now. I've only just realised what NSD's are. Hmm. I've been having alot of those recently. The good thing about not going anywhere, other than walking, and to the tip.

I've been for a walk for the last two days. I saw a butterfly yesterday. Is'nt it a bit late for butterflies? I don't know. My senses are acute at the moment. All the different shades of green and brown. Noticing stupid things like the thistles. I like going up there. theres two different perspectives. The scenery changes on the other side. Its prettier, the other side. I live on the bleak side. Bleak and desolate, the landscape. I want to walk the ridge. Maybe i will before i go. I need to start getting fitter again. How about that for positive thinking. Maybe start playing tennis again, next summer. Next summer? I should have done more walking. My thoughts turned to australia, yesterday.I did alot of walking. I went after my marriage ended. It was good for the soul Think of nothing, except what is around you. A free spirit. Just me and my rusack. Go wherever the fancy takes you. I can still remember that tree with the orange berries on it. I spent ages absorbing it. I should try to encompass it now. I know i'll never afford to go back to oz, and finish my journey. Maybe i sound listen to white ladder and play, sail away

Back to practitalities. Go down to my new place today. Make sure the keys work, while i'm down in that neck of the woods. Maybe get a start date for my xmas job. Time to maybe chill, when i've got all ' this stuff ' out of the way, or the majority of it, at least. Then i can move out when i feel ready

ani_26

Hmmmm I don't use smilies

beanielou

Great news that you have somewhere to go

crumbling

you're getting there nohope xxx

ani_26

Yes beanielou. I've only just got the keys, and until i got the keys, well........................

Just waiting for them to find out now, and lose the keys. The lengths you have to go to, to find somewherere to live. Its all very uncertain, i'm afraid.I don't think they are going to be very happy having a bankrupt at that address. It affects someone elses property, its really not fair on them. But what do you do? Sleep on the streets? I have'nt directly lied, but i feel really guilty.

I've been down there for only the second time, today. Took a few bits and bats, such are the limitations of my small car. Its even nicer than i remembered it. Bigger as well. A good size bathroom, for a smaller place. Thats the thing i'll miss most about my house. It has a huge bathroom, and bath. One of the last things i'll do, is have a soak in the bath, for the last time, indefinitely. But it is really nice. In a pleasant area, much more convenient for work. But they are going to find out sooner or later, and i suspect sooner, because people are already talking, down there. They know exactly who is moving in.

I'm tired today, exhausted, and i can't watch any tv, again. Atmospherics, or whatever. When theres a ridge of high pressure, it affects the signal here. It affects my neighbours too. Its always been like this, and it can last for days. 3 days already, now. I'm fed up now. I'll go to bed soon. My neighbours. I've been told i should tell my neighbours what is going to happen next week. But i still can't tell them anything about what is happening. Are you still off work? They must know i'm moving out, but they are so nosey, and the news will spread like wildfire, if it has'nt already. Whats the saying? If they are'nt talking about you, they are talking about someone else. But i'm still in the process, of self survival. I can't even bear to say goodbye to them. I just want to go.I want to get out of here now, i've had enough.But i can't go until i've got next week out if the way. They've been really good about it, but i can't believe its going to happen. Some one wake me up when its all over, and tell me it did'nt really happen. Am i being really stupid? But its a major process in the step of moving on, wherever it may be. Its got to be done.

Secured my xmas job today as well, i think. So long as i can keep it. Smashed the pass threshold, but then, i always do. I just find it difficult to improve on it. A near impossibility, for me. So, hopefully just waiting to hear when i start in nov, and stick at it until i get asked to leave. Biggest problem, staying awake, and those moments impact on my overall performance targets. Still, i'm not the only one it affects. It does have its funny moments, when people start snoring. Must buy plenty of R B, but it seems to have no effect on me, whatsoever. Spoke to someone from my proper job today, too. You're not working until the end of october? You're on benefits? Now, how did that get out. I've only had to tell one person. I'm upset about it. How are you managing? i'm bloody not. So you've sold your house then? Yes. You only have to go on the internet, which i'm sure you will, and find it all out. Where are you going? I don't want anyone to know where i'm going.

If i'm ever going to survive, i need to get completely away from all this. New job, new place, new continent? maybe. But all this takes money which i don't have. Time is not on my slde either.When i've got this place sorted, i need some serious me time. People spend money and their free time coming here. Just spend a bit of time out, hopefully, before i go. Then a couple of weeks unpacking, and chilling. I'd forgotten about that one, unpacking. Then off to this job. Then xnas which i hate. A time for every one to be jolly. Has everyone forgotten the real meaning of xmas? Not that i'm religious, but? Has'nt this blown out of all proportion, in commercialism? Its all well and good when you have family. Its a big family occasion. But in the run up last year. Well, every little thing, makes you feel worse. Alone. So, if i ever make it to xmas, thats the time, when i should really assess, where do i go from here? The new year. This one too,i did'nt intend to see, last year. Now i'm almost through it.

I've got the ideal opportunity. Is'nt the world my oyster? I wish i was 30 years younger, or even maybe 20. But you're not supposed to wish your life away, but then i've had my life. Do i really want to go back into the same situation at work? No i don't. But how can i change it? You need money to live, and i've still got my real job, i think, but for how much longer? i've still got my car, while i have a job. I've got no ties, no house i'm obligated to, anymore. Should'nt i be in a good position? I want to help people worse off than myself. Is there anybody worse off than myself? Of course there is. Help save the planet. Well, thats a waste of time. Everyone else is hell bent on destroying it. But there are people who believe, who give their time, for the love of it. Oh, i'm tired

ani_26

Hmmm you did'nt read this post crumbling, even i've got to smile xx

Thanks xx

ani_26

I'm glad i did'nt post in my diary this morning. There are so many things i want to say, but i'm frightened, because i know how people are. Since when did you care what other people think? Nobody is interested in how you feel anyway. I mean, truly feel. How many people can address their innermost thoughts and feelings. Very few. Shallow and fickle. Thats the truth of how it is. I woke up this morning feeling exhausted. So exhausted, after a good nights sleep. I've got to get out of here, before it drains every bit of life out of me. I know its not just me. I know for sure.. Other people have experienced it too. Are you going to let me go. Stay where you are. I should delete this.


I feel calmer now,and not as tired, as the day has passed. Theres starting to be a noticeable difference now, only just, but there is. I'm not supposed to do anymore, but i don't want to be left in the lurch. The date has been put back again, today. Another week to wait. No chillout time now. Its getting close to the date when i've arranged to terminate my utility connections, if they put it back again. What if they completely cancel? What will i do? Still, someone is in touch almost every day. They say they genuinely want to help. Yeah right. Maybe you do, but i'm beginning to realise the importance of all this. Don't be so cynical. Its going to go exactly how i want it to,they say. Only time will tell.

I did'nt get for my walk yesterday, but i went again today. It has a sweet bitterness to it. I suppose i'm enjoying it, and walking what? maybe 4 miles a day, has got to be good for both my fitness and my soul. Nothing, compared to what i used to walk. It does'nt even burn off any energy. Maybe thats because there is'nt any to burn off. The landscape is gradually changing now. Slowly turning brown. An early afternoon haze, casting a dark shadow over this side of the hill. I love it. How i love autumn. You can feel it in your soul. Everything changing colour. All the different shades of green, red and browns. Some gorse flowering uo there, too. I notice something different everyday. But then i start to analyse it, and think. How come you get so much pleasure out of things that are dying? Because thats what they are. All the trees will be bare soon. But they give so much visual pleasure. Is'nt spring supposed to be a wonderful season? When everything comes back to life again. Having said that, daffodils are my favourite flower, and i was born in the springtime, at easter, in fact, easter saturday. Works hard for a living, was'nt it? Hmmmph

I'm so bored and tired of all this now. Now the date has been pushed back again, i'm tempted to have a day off, or half a day off,at least. Everyday is the same now. I've lost track of what day or date it actually is, other than my countdown Every day is the same. I've even lost track of what date i went for my test, too. How many weeks ago was it? i can't remember. Maybe i should wait a bit, because i know it does take some time. I think i might have a day out tomorrow, if the weather is still beautiful. Take some more stuff to the charity shop and the tip, then go somewhere. Its a shame, all the stuff i've given away, i could have sold, but i've neither the time nor the inclination.I'm not going to spend any money, but just have a break from it all.

ani_26

Its one of those nights when i can't settle. I'm really tired, but My name epitomises exactly how i'm feeling right now. Lost, alone, sorry for myself, what other adjectives can i think of. None. My diary is serving no purpose. Its not helping me, and its not helping anyone else. What a waste of time. Did'nt i say, i hated writing. Its not a safe place to be.Theres no comfort from it. Maybe i should delete it. Maybe i should continue it, privately. Maybe i shoud'nt continue it, at all. 19 days to go. 19 days to go and my whole world caves in. The culmination of this nightmare i've been through. Maybe you would'nt realise what its like, unless you've been there yourself. Alone. With no one to talk to about it. Not a single person, bar advice agencies. But no one that really cares about you as a person. A human being. Is that what i am? No. Do you know facebook? i only have one friend on facebook,and even they are not a friend. Not because theres something wrong with me. Just because thats what its like, is all about nowadays. Theres a film out, about it now, too.

How can anyone imagine what its been like for what? the last two years, when the realisation began to dawn, Fighting it on your own. How can you give up, in the last two weeks. Oh but the worst is yet to come. I'd better not say it here, delete it. Ok, its only bricks and mortar, but it was my bricks and mortar. I read on here, several people have lost their home after a substantial period of time, too. This was my home, end of. Until the end of. I've got to start again, and i don't know if i've got the strength anymore. I know i'm stronger than most people, otherwise i would'nt be here now. I got a phone call today. No one ever rings me, unless its to do with whats going on. No one rings to say hi, how are you doing? So i've given up ringing them too. All give. As long as you give, people will take.Cynicism. Sorry. So the phone call. An area code i recognised, from ' nuisance' calls. Answer it. No one there. Won't answer that one again. Don't you ever give up? I know they won't. I've still got to fight, if they ever contact me for the keys. Because i'm not contacting you.Still in that don't sign anything, predicament, all these months down the line. Still unsure i'll have to struggle to pay anything back.Still confused. Serves you right, you might say. You're trying to pay your debts. But everything has suffered as a consequence. Health, my whole being. Someone said on here, to someone else, your health is the most important thing. How can you worry about your health, when theres no purpose to life? I've drifted off, to thinking about someone several years ago. Three of us spent the evening together. I left early, because they were on a drinking mission, and i had to drive home, so i could'nt drink. That was the last time i saw *. A few hours later, that was it. The happiest person you could ever meet. What was going through their mind?

ani_26

Just looking at that, can't stop looking at it. I was the second to last person, and i never knew. You could'nt have known. We could'nt even talk about it afterwards, well they could'nt