Life after bankruptcy?

ani_26

Its not appropriate to be writing here anymore. However, it is a testament to what can happen if your debts get out of control. No home, no being, with the legacy remaining for the rest of your lifetime. Just seeing so many people struggling here. I'm sorry

savingwannabe

No Hope, i am sticking my size 5's in again, i kind of have to, ok? I am sure it is the last thing you want to hear. It is obvious something traumatic has happened and you are v down. You may not realise it but your diary is probably helping many people and will help many others that will one day face the bankruptcy route. I have many heroes from this site and it amazes me that they have come so far. Keep fighting you are a fighter, you have many friends on the bankruptcy thread and on this site even if we dont appear to have much in common. Good luck.

JMV

Do you know what an incredibly powerful writer you are, NH?

I don't read books anymore...I used to read avidly, but I stopped a few years ago...but I read your diary and it moved me. That's something...because I'm pretty hard...and not easily moved

You have a gift....whether you realise it or not, whether you want it or not, whether you use it or not...and it's been incredibly cathartic for me to read your story...because there is so much here that I've thought and felt myself, but been too stubborn to admit to myself....

Thank you x

sugarbabe-47

Hi NH...I agree with JMV you are a powerful writer and very courageous of your honesty! I was in tears reading this as I have had a bad few years leading up to my B/R, and all the emotions one feels is of hopelessness and loneliness. I have had all these feelings and like yourself worked like an idiot 7 days a week to try and pay everything. I am *old school* and was so proud, I just wished I had declared B/R sooner. I was advised to go B/R 3 years prior to me actually doing it! But as you do, I struggled on and on to the cost of my health. My mental and emotional state was dire. I couldnt admit my thoughts like you have, but believe me, I am feeling this with you. This site and people here saved my sanity and my life if I am totally honest! I was just existing, work, bed, work, bed...worry, no sleep, more worry....till my physical side said - STOP- scary stuff I can tell you. Health is priceless amd something we cannot always control, but money and debt problems can be solved, I have learned the very very hard way, as many on here have.
I am seeing a lot more clearly now than I could 12 months ago. I was constantly told there is light at the end of the tunnel, I never believed anyone. But there is, really there is. I can listen to music again, something I havent done for a fair few years. I am coming out of my reclusive state too, albeit very slowly and cautiously. It took me a couple of months to realise that this is a new start after B/R and at one point I was regretting doing it and was at an all time low, no-one to talk to. There is only one way up from the bottom!!
Look after number one - you. The rest can be tackled when your mind is rested. Sending massive hugs. And once again thank you for your diary, very brave of you. I salute you.

Money_Fritter

Hi No Hope,

I just want to say I think you are awesome, and amazing.

Don't give up, I believe in you and please dont leave

ani_26

I'm acutely embarrassed, maybe embarrassed is'nt the right word, humbled ? Lost for words. It seems trite, but i'll say it anyway. Thankyou.Thankyou for these last two posts, and i'm glad its helping you. I'm glad i have maybe found kindred spirits. Maybe i have many more, kindred spirits, who just don't care to admit to themselves. It does take a unique person maybe, maybe a strong person. But i don't want to flatter myself in any way. This is'nt what all this is about. Maybe i am, just voicing, thoughts which occur in many peoples thought process. But its of some comfort to know maybe i'm not the freak, i thought i was.

I'm finding it quite difficult to return to my diary. But as said above, ' when my mind is rested '. Is'nt this what this diary is all about. Working through my thought processess. I have to admit to myself now, i made the first ' real ' breakthrough yesterday. The thing i'd been dreading most, through all of this. I knew it had to come. Months and months of waiitng, torment. I had'nt even really given it too much thought anymore. No pre planned conceptions of what i was going to say. I stood outside, shaking, yet again. But the deed is done now. I've been totally honest, and although i've already admitted it to myself, i've outwardly been honest with myself, now. The first real step, on the way to recovery. I can still make believe i'm ' normal ' , to the outside world. That is, all this is'nt happening. I met someone i knew on the way there. I did'nt have to contemplate what was about to happen, as i managed to have a normal conversation, with a fellow musician, all the way there. No time to contemplate, work myself into a mental frenzy. Just the shakes. I had to say i was going to work. What else could i say? I even dressed as though i was going to work, so there were no awkward quetions to answer. I was bound to bump into someone i knew. I'm glad it was you though x They even offered me a lift at a future date. Of course, i could'nt say i was moving. Too much emotional information. But thankyou, anyway.

A time for reflection, and the feeling i really do have to start moving on now. Try and start putting some of my baggage into the past. But then i know, i can never truly bin certain things. But i really have to bin this one. If i'm going to have any chance of recovery, any future, at all. I heard a conversation between two people. Talking about about someone becoming a recluse. Thats a very dangerous place to be. I wanted to say something, but they were complete strangers. It was'nt my place to get involved. But then theres nothing anyone can do or say, when someone gets to that stage.

Its another beautiful day today. It snowed yesterday, but then i knew it would anyway. Its a bittersweet moning. One ot these mornings when you wake up, and theres been a heavy frost. Its always like that ,here. Its freezing cold, and everything is white over. Blue skies and sunshine. I've only 6 days to go, before all hell lets loose. I've all but given up packing, trying to sort other things that need sorting, including my thoughts. I'm receiving post now addressed to ' the occupier ' .Rather strange. I bet the postman thinks its strange too. But maybe he recognises the signs. No one keeps quiet around here, for long.

I should go for my walk along the ridge now. Take this glorious opportunity. My aches have subsisided, somewhat. Try and prove to myself, its not only the ridge, i'm conquering, but my thoughts too.

ani_26

Ah mf

I could'nt find my diary, as i thought it was buried again. Its taken me so long to post. Thankyou for those words,too. It means so much to me xx

ani_26

OH MY GOD I MADE IT UTTERLY AMAZING, AWESOME

Yes, i finally walked the ridge today. The weather could'nt have been more perfect. I'm so proud of my achievement. Yes. It was an achievement. In bloody trainers too, as i could'nt find my hiking boots. A really stupid thing to do, given the snow and ice up there. Lost my feet a few times. Still, i'm still in one piece, albeit very stiff. I'm planning a nice long soak as soon as the heating comes on. Its freezing here. Another clear night. The views were amazing. I worked out you could see four counties from up there. Very few people seem to go up there. The first person i've seen, was on sunday. Now i've been that person, too. Walked back ,down below so i could appreciate the enormity of where i'd just been. I could'nt believe i'd been there.I must go for another walk before i leave, but i'm running short of time now. In some respects, wasting time to give me the feel good factor, or to avoid what i really should be doing?

But theres always something to add that rollercoaster effect. To take the edge off my feel good factor, today. When am i going back to work? I've told you, i don't know. I'm not going to be bullied into going back until i'm ready. Don't you understand whats happening in my life? Its only because you can't get some other muggins to do it, and you know i will. Are'nt you supposed to be a friend too? So thats why i never hear from you. Today , of all days, did'nt you think to say, how are you? hows it going? Do you need any help? Less then 2 weeks before i lose almost everything i had, and you don't think to ask one simple question. I despair of the human race

JMV

You made me want to go for a walk - I haven't been out of the house for 3 months (I lie, I strimmed the garden 1 month ago)...

nil carborundum illegitimi

Woowoo

Hello NH

I have just read all the way through your diary and was moved to tears by your posts.

I just wanted to wish you all the best and hope you continue to slowly recover xx