Life after bankruptcy?

crumbling

that would be hilarious! i'd go back to haunt that damn place and cheer you on:rotfl:

ani_26

Felt better tonight, after a trip down memory lane, now i'm back to not being able to settle again. I should'nt have wasted my petrol today and money on the car park. It might have been marginally cheaper to catch the bus. Why am i worrying about stupid things. Should i go and apply for a crisis loan today, but then thats more petrol. But if i wait ad infinitum for pay that may or not arrive, then it won't be a crisis anymore. How much is the removal going to cost? every penny i might get and some more as well. I'm entirely at your mercy. If only i could find what i'm looking for. Where is it?

What did i say tonight, the greater the height, the harder the fall. Did i really want to self destruct to see if i could make the climb again. Theres no way. I've done so much with my life, i realise that now. Too late. Its never going to be like that again.Too much of a perfectionist. I suppose i've achieved lots of things other people don't even dream of. Not monetory things, material things. I've never been materialistic. Happiness is a state of mind, and its been such a long time since i did anything that could give me an adrenalin rush, or even any mundane happiness.Or even any feelings at all. Maybe i've stopped myself from having feelings. Wrapped myself in a cocoon. I've always wanted to do a parachute jump. Never did that. I had the perfect opportunity at mission beach. I should have done it, then. Everything is too late now. I've always said, from being a child, when i get to the stage where i've got no quality of life, thats it for me. Strange ideal to have, when your a child. Epitomised the word, adventure.You're just a boring fart now, thats what i've become..Everyone tried to change me,along the way, because even though they were attracted to someone who was different, they did'nt really want that. Could'nt cope with it.They wanted someone that was like everyone else.Someone that conformed. Everyone said i'd burn myself out,and thats what i've done. Never could sit still for a minute, always doing something, always looking for the next thing to do. No one could contain my spirit. Now ********* what. Nothing. Someone interviewed R B at the weekend. Now i don't like the guy, but for the first time ,i saw a glimpse of who he really was. Alot like me, maybe. The interviewer said something about the energy oozing out of him. Don't you worry the fire will burn itself out? or something like that. Really intelligent, too. Super intelligent. I did'nt really ' get ' him before, but maybe i do now.

ani_26

Well thats that. Deal done. Even less time, to be out of my home now. But at least i can change my focus now. Start looking at what i'm going to keep. Its now imperative i find what i'm looking for.I should feel relieved, but i'm not sure how i feel. Somehow, i think the only way i'm going to get through this, is by laughing about it, putting on a mask again, but trying to see the funny side ot it, too. Just thought, i've got to start thinking about practitalities, now, redirecting my mail, informing utility companies, settling bills, aaargh

Back to my thoughts and emotions. I still have my clarity of mind, which means so much to me. Do other people really walk around with blank heads, blank minds. I've never experienced it. I wish i had. Theres always so much, be it good or bad. Maybe they are unable to address their thoughts, or even maybe express their thoughts, vocalise their thoughts. I know, so many people have said to me in the past, i wish i was like you. And i've thought, i wish i was like you.

What sort of sick or sad person, would derive some perverse pleasure or satisfaction from watching other peoples suffering, difficulties, hardships, from the comfort of their ' safe ' sofa at home. Admit they don't have any debt problems, talk about what they are going to buy. Talk about how fantastic everything is. Have they had debt problems in the past? Have they any idea how it makes you feel, how so many people are struggling on here. Not with lifes luxuries, Sometimes with scrapping pennies together, just to go and buy one item, like a pint of milk. I suspect many people here know. I know, i've been there, more than once. Maybe you could imagine, from the minute you are reading this. You've got £20 in your bank account. You don't know for sure, when any or how much money is going to be deposited into your bank account. You have obligations. DD's that will be taken out of your bank account. How will you decide , how that £20 will be used? Every penny of it. You can't go and buy a coffee somewhere, which i would never do anyway. I was just looking at people walking down the street yesterday, when i had to go to the bank, with all their bags of all their purchases, clothes,whatever. Thinking, they can go into a shop and buy something. I did'nt go into any shops.This is the real world for many people. How can you be so frivolous, with other peoples pain. And this is, i suspect, what many people are experiencing. Thats why we are all here? Maybe this is'nt the site to be used for social networking. After all, if you have so many friends, why are you here in the first place? This is supposed to be a ' safe haven ' . Where people who are experiencing financial difficulties in ' real life ' , but are unable to talk about them in ' real life ', can come and find an outlet, or relief, to discuss their thoughts with whoever it may be, even if its only with themselves. Maybe this person too, has problems, they can't address, whatever they may be. Hiding behind a facade. Maybe deep down, they are lonely? Maybe they really are on planet cuckoo,they have no idea what its really like, and their insensitivites, don't cross their mind? Who knows.

Its now taken me back to the time, when my mum was experiencing financial difficulties. Retired, on a state pension, widowed, alone, struggling to keep the home she had lived in, since i was born. My' home,' too. Maybe she did'nt always have her priorities in the right place. But i used to do the little i could do, to help her, given the distance in miles between us, and financial constraints. I did as much to help her financially, as i could. Took her out food shopping, once or twice a month, bought her some of the little things she liked. Stupid things, like ginger biscuits, black and white allsorts, bananas, fresh tomatoes, even cheese. Luxuries to her. How stupid. But to see her face light up, and the pleasure she was going to get from these simple items. I used to do her garden, for her, and i hate gardening. but i promised a treat for us both at the end of it.Thats over. Now we'll go and enjoy something. Take her out for a simple thing, like a meal. Then she'd go back to her life, until my next visit

ani_26

I feel right back where i did at the beginning of my diary now. Maybe i'd come some way since then. I feel desolate, sorry for myself, i suppose, what a sad * person. On top of that i'm letting others use this failure of a person, for their financial gain. Don't i ever learn? You've really messed it all up. One thing and its all back to how its been, these last two years. Its hard not to feel sorry for what has been, in desolation. Theres no way i've gone through all this, for this. I must start making plans, but first i've got to suffer humiliation. Its a beautiful evening, looking out my window. Blue skies, sunshine, the colours of autumn, solitude. I want eternal solitude. Please don;t take me there again.You've come so far, don't give up now. Why not? My mind is so cluttered, just like everything else. I'm so thick. I don't understand what is going on, in legal mumbo jumbo

ani_26

Aaaargh

Levelled out again now, thanks to some good people on here.

Thankyou so much xx

crumbling

peaks and troughs matey. normal in my opinion (but then again, i never do anything by halves:D).

the good moments will become longer and start to outnumber the bad ones. honest.

chin up xxx

ani_26

Yep, me too.

I hope you're right xx

ani_26

I woke up feeling really down today. Just lay in bed for a while, thinking, my days here are getting less, to be able to do this. I loved it here. Now i hate it, too. Why am i the sort of person that things mean so much to me, that i can never let go.

I started my diary by saying you did'nt have to read this, if you did'nt want to. Maybe its a mistake, my diary.But at least i'm being honest with myself. My thoughts are my innermost thoughts.I say what i think,and feel, not what others think they want to hear.I don't post comments and delete them, to deliberately upset others? Yes, i realise what you're saying is true.Its a really useful website, but since a large proportion of topics here are'nt too relevant to me at this moment in time, i refrain from looking or posting. Maybe some time in the future? I don't know. I only tend to look at the threads relevant to me, at the moment, bankruptcy and my diary, beacuse obviously of the huge impact it is having on my life and my very being at the moment, and of course, to be debt free? as the title of the thread, suggests.I don't go out of my way to be unkind or upset others,i prefer to help others, maybe it makes me feel better about myself.I stumbled across these diaries, and being such a sad, and lonely person, i thought it would be of use to work through my thoughts. I understand this may be upsetting or ' too deep ' to many people. But like i've said previously, you don't have to read. Nor should i have to explain myself here. This is my thread and my diary. Is'nt it supposed to be for my thoughts and opinions? Having said that, i've no wish upset anyone, or deter anyone who feels my diary is of use to them, and may wish to post. I'm more than happy to have some sort of serious debate on anything you may wish to discuss. Yes, i too ,are waiting for the results of my last test. But i don't tend to talk about here. I still blank it out. But its all part of the bigger picture. So, if any of this , helps anyone else......

I am really not at the ' stage ' yet, where i am happy,or can even can pretend to be happy or positive enough, in order to ' blank out ' the events that are happening to me,and pretend they really are'nt happening, Because they are, and every minute at the moment, is living them.I know positivity creates energy, but try as i might, i'm not at the stage to move on yet, and be positive. Theres so much negativity around here, As someone said this morning, only 26 more sleeps to go. I've no idea how i'm going to feel after thise 26 sleeps. Its as much as i can do, to get through one sleep. One little thing like that letter yesterday, completely sent me into panic. I've never suffered from panic attacks. What are they? But because like i and other people said, i'm on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment. My feelings went completely off the scale. Stupid, i know. But fortunately others must have sensed my panic, and managed to reassure me, and my emotions were seeing reason again,relatively quickly, thank goodness. But my emotions can go from 1 to 10 and back again, just like that. Stupid, i know, but thats the way it is at the moment, with the unbearable amount of stress i'm under.

Now the ' removal man ' has just rung and brought me back down to earth from here. I've got things i should be doing, and i've got an appointment soon. There are many other things i wanted to say, but i must return to the practical world, for now.

ani_26

I've just reposted this up here for myself because its well......


I've just been fror advice,yet again. They must be sick of the sight of me, by now. Each time i go, i think this is the last time i'll see you. Hmmmm

They asked me today, who is your solicitor? Solicitor ? You're joking,are'nt you. Who can afford one when bankrupt? You mean you've done all this yourself? Well no. You guys have done so much for me xx So, yes, i suppose i have.They said i'm remarkably calm. You're joking. You can't see whats going on inside my head..............................................

So, maybe i should study for a law degree? Except i'm bankrupt............
Maybe i shoul'nt be so hard on myself. I've got this far.

Anyway, i now understand a bit more about the whole process of how its decided whether you make the payments, people are talking about. I now understand what the OR is looking for. I'll just have to sit it out still and see what he decides. Then appeal maybe ? if its worth it. The advisor said apparently its standard procedure to freeze your NI contributions, as its classed as money you could be paying your debt with. If thats the case, why am i still paying tax? because to me, these two things come as a package. You legaly have to pay them if you're working, though maybe i'm wrong, with NI. But for the relatively small amount of NI you pay, it still does'nt make sense to me. I will have to have a NI fund now, ( because i've missed about 4 months ).Bother.

The advisor tried to ring the IS, but it seems their phoneline is no longer working. Checked several time this was the correct number. Yes it was. Dead. Maybe the IS has gone bankrupt? ????????????????????????

Haha. I could'nt resist that one, sorry. Back to the thing thats niggling me now. We could'nt find what to do with the keys for the property. No one is interested. In fact, he told them over the phone, its in your interests, otherwise you'll have to break the door down.
Looks like break the door down, is what it will have to be. After several hours of being stressed and upset about what i should do with the keys, ( i went into the branch, and asked for whatever its called, a jiffy bag, to return them to them ). We have'nt got any here. No interest whatsoever. had to have a conversation in the branch, in front of all the customers. Do you have another telephine number we can contact you on. Most definitely not. A bit different to your attitude of the last year. Do you want the property, or not?

Anyway, i've done my best. Thinking about it. Its not my perogative to be chasing them and getting upset about what i do with the keys. The advisor is astonished they have'nt been in touch. So the ball is in your court now, lender. I really don't care if you have to replace the doors. Its not my problem.Once i'm out of here, i'm out of here, and i'm not sitting waiting for the baliffs to arrive...........

The advisor also gave me food for thought. Take some time off ,before you go back to work, YOU time, time to refocus.I'd already been thinking about it, myself, because i'm getting pressure to go straight back to work every day. Straight back on to the roundabout. Not a good idea.It may be good for them, but its not beneficial to me. I've got my assessment for my xmas job next week. Maybe i'll just do that, instead of doing two jobs, as i was planning.Take some time out until its starts, and i know i'll get paid weekly for it. Than maybe go back to my ' proper ' job, in the new year.

The funny thing is, the advisor, said the OR will realise i've said all along, i knew i'd lost my house. But that all along, has taken me a year, 18 months? to reach the stage i'm finally at now.A long, long emotional process. And i have'nt reached that final stage, yet, the day i walk away from my home, for the last time.....................

savingwannabe

Good luck No Hope. You are going through such a tough time. You keep posting as you wish. Just writing it down makes such a difference to me. keep in touch with our thread if you can ok. SWX