Urgent help needed, please, please read this

ZTD

LJD1 wrote:

That's where all this is so mad. There is no morgage on the house. They have investments but she refuses to tell him. The house and the investments are in joint names so she can't pay it off. Between them they could pay this debt off several times over. That is what's so frustrating about it all. It's sheer madness. I'm trying to think of ways of him 'finding out' without it looking like I told him. Not thought of anything yet. I know he should be told but I can't do it.

It may be your Mother is refusing to tell your Dad because of his reaction, and how that will make her feel. She may be refusing to deal with this as she is in her 70's (IIRC), and she may feel she can "die" her way out of the situation.

She may feel that this is a temporary problem which will go away on its own IYSWIM.

It might be something to bear in mind when talking to her.

LJD1_2

*zippy* wrote:

How do you think he will react?

Could he have any idea that she is in debt? Any hints? What sort of things has she been buying? Had you started to wonder how she did so much with her money?

I'm just thinking that often the person in debt thinks they have kept it well hidden, when often their partner may not kow the extent of the debt, but has realised that something is wrong. If you were starting to wonder how she bought so much, chances are he has too.

It's frustrating that at a time when your mother should be enjoyng her retirement she has all this worry, especially when the money is in the bank.

To be honest there's nothing to show for the money that I can see. I think it's all creeping up because she's taking the money from one card to pay another. I think my dad suspects she owes some money but nothing like what she does owe.

How do I think he'll react? He won't be violent but in some ways he can be just as bad. He'll belittle her, he'll control her, he'll make her life much worse than it is now. So i'm damned if i tell him and damned if i don't. I think my only role in this is to get all the information. Give it my mum. Be there for her. I also think self preservation means i'll have to accept what she does and understand there's nothing more i can do.

I'm just glad i've got this board. Just think if i'd not had you all to sound off too, i might have gone along the route of getting her a loan out. Last night that was a serious option for me and now i feel totally sick that I even considered it.

LJD1_2

ZTD wrote:

It may be your Mother is refusing to tell your Dad because of his reaction, and how that will make her feel. She may be refusing to deal with this as she is in her 70's (IIRC), and she may feel she can "die" her way out of the situation.

She may feel that this is a temporary problem which will go away on its own IYSWIM.

It might be something to bear in mind when talking to her.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. She's in her 70s and my dads in his 80s and not of the best health. I think she thinks that sooner or later one of them will die and that will solve the problems. Blunt but I think that's her answer.

ZTD

LJD1 wrote:

Blunt but I think that's her answer.

Sorry, but I couldn't think of a subtle way of putting it.

I'm open to suggestions for the future...

LJD1_2

Lol, i meant the way i put it was blunt. You were more diplomatic...bet you've never been called that before. I think she'll probably start going up behind him and shouting boo! He has a dodgy heart. See, i'm starting to get my sense of humour back....just!

ZTD

LJD1 wrote:

Lol, i meant the way i put it was blunt. You were more diplomatic...bet you've never been called that before.

Nope.

LJD1 wrote:

I think she'll probably start going up behind him and shouting boo! He has a dodgy heart.

Or she could just tell him about her debt.

LJD1 wrote:

See, i'm starting to get my sense of humour back....just!

Which is a good sign. Smiling is a better one. Have you smiled today?

AMILLIONDOLLARS

Well yet again not much to be added to the other suggestions and thoughts.

Just wanted to add:

1. Your dad is going to find out, whether its today, tomorrow, next week, next year, If your dad drops dead tomorrow (sorry for being blunt) your mother will not think herself extremely lucky, and I am sure she would definitely grieve for her husband no matter what the relationship they have (no one truly knows what goes on in a relationship, could be that she has done something like this before, and he got her out of trouble, now she has done it again, find out for sure, you don't want any surprises)

2. I believe the longer you leave it to tell him the worse things are going to get. I would gather together all her credit cards statements and list all the things purchased by her for him and on the house, try and to pin down holidays and luxury items as well, so that when she/you tell him, he can see where the money went, the gift for his birthday, the weekends away etc.. hopefully she can prove to him that she did not fritter it all away.

3. I am sure you father would rather pay a bill of £35,000 rather than one double that figure as the interest rates kicks in. Besides, would you mother rather a bailiff knock on the door and your father answers - I think not

4. I hope you have cut up her cards? even though she is desparate I am sure she will be tempted to rob peter to pay paul yet again.

Bottom line, you can't hide a £35,000 debt, why bother to try, yes he'll give her a rough ride but he'll pay it in the end, they are both 70/80 they can't take it with them, I'd point out to your dad, would you rather give it to mum now or to the government in inheritance tax later!! Your dad is not stupid.

Good Luck
AMD

Mirtos

Just wanted to offer my support - keep us updated hon. :grouphug:

LJD1_2

Well just been to see my mum. She's not ready to be helped so i'm backing off. I'm there for her and she knows it. I'll still go to CAB drop in centre on Monday, with or without her.

I've explained everything to her and how she needs to stop spending on credit cards end of story. Her reply...well, i'll just keep one. No. No. No. Talking to her about telling my dad I am met with 'if he finds out i'll kill myself'. Now i know this is an emotional response but i'm not taking on this guilt. I can't can't take on her debt and I can't sort out her life. I can only try and help. I feel like i've failed but I can't do anything else.

Thanks for everyones advice x

KatrinaC_2

LJD1 wrote:

I can't can't take on her debt and I can't sort out her life. I can only try and help. I feel like i've failed but I can't do anything else.

Thanks for everyones advice x

It's tough, but you are right. You can't have her lightbulb moment for her, just be there when she does have her own.

I hope that when I'm old and wrinkly* my children will care about me as much as you do about your mum.

Best of luck.

Kat

*in about three weeks time...:p