Urgent help needed, please, please read this

cabra1

this is a nightmare situation,but you have to remember your
mum is a responsible adult,like it has been suggested here
go to the citizans advice with her,support her emotionaly,
be there to help guide her through this situation,

but dont on any account offer to get a loan to pay
for any of this,no matter how well meaning your offer
is,whats to stop her running up more debts behind
your back ?

Your mum has serious problems both
financial and emotional.You need to get to the
underlying problems that got her in this mess
in the first place.She needs financial guidance
from the proffessionals trained to deal with this sort
of situation.

The next stop,make an apointment with her doctor
go with her and tell her GP whats happened.He/she
can arrange counselling to help her through this.

rog2

Hi LJD,

This is not a unique case - young PaP has a similar problem with her mum, and, like you she is also meeting with a lot of resistance to her efforts to get it sorted.
Your mum is probably very proud - she knows it is her problem and she is from a generation that does not like to burden her problems on to you.
She does, however, need a reality check, and it seems that you are the one best qualified to point her in the right direction.
You can't force her to CAB, in fact you can't force her to do anything if she does not want to.
What you may be able to do, though, is suggest that you accompany her to the meeting at the bank, and discuss the true extent of the problem. Your presence may prevent her from signing herself deeper into debt.
You can, then, best see how the situation can be managed. Post here and I am sure the suggestions will pour in.
Then comes the difficult bit - it has to be discussed with your father, but this will be a lot easier if you have some options to suggest/pursue.
Best of luck
Rog.

LJD1_2

rog2 wrote:

Hi LJD,

This is not a unique case - young PaP has a similar problem with her mum, and, like you she is also meeting with a lot of resistance to her efforts to get it sorted.
Your mum is probably very proud - she knows it is her problem and she is from a generation that does not like to burden her problems on to you.
She does, however, need a reality check, and it seems that you are the one best qualified to point her in the right direction.
You can't force her to CAB, in fact you can't force her to do anything if she does not want to.
What you may be able to do, though, is suggest that you accompany her to the meeting at the bank, and discuss the true extent of the problem. Your presence may prevent her from signing herself deeper into debt.
You can, then, best see how the situation can be managed. Post here and I am sure the suggestions will pour in.
Then comes the difficult bit - it has to be discussed with your father, but this will be a lot easier if you have some options to suggest/pursue.
Best of luck
Rog.

She's agreed I can go to the meeting. I don't think she's ready to tell my dad. What i have accepted tonight is that whilst I can be there for her, I can not take on the responsibility. I wish I could but i can't. I'm going to see her tomorrow and i'm going to get as much information as I can. I'm going to talk to her about her options but ultimately you've all made me realise that as much as I want to help her.... she has to help herself. None of you will ever know how much you've helped tonight. I no longer feel guilty. I no longer want to 'take the debt on'. I can tell her what i've learnt but I can't make her take it on board.

I'll keep this thread updated. I'll probably come back completely panincing again as she's got in another mess....but i don't feel responsible now. Thanks for making me more rational about it. It still hurts that I can't wave that magic wand but I don't take it personally anymore.

rog2

There you go - it's already starting to look better. Good on you.

lynzpower

Im so happy this is the decision youve made OP, I think its the right way to go about things

Hugs

BlondieE

Most local councils provide a debt counselling service. Look them up - I took my brother there years ago and they were brilliant. Hope your mum and dad get on ok with this one.

piglet6

Wooooh, what a situation to find yourself in...! I really feel for you - no matter how old we are, its not easy to reverse the parent/child responsibility role, which it sounds as though you are needing to do...and I salute you for this!:T

I'm sorry to say it, but like others here, I think that at 70, there is little option for your mother to clear this debt without "coming clean" about things to your father. I'm glad that you have decided not to take on a debt on her behalf - it sounds harsh, but I don't think it would solve the problem long-term, and it could land you in all sorts of trouble going forward.:o

I appreciate the way that your parents' generation regard debt (my parents are in the same age bracket, so I am fully aware of "their" views on this!:p) but I really hope that your father might "come through" for your mother in this situation - after all, I presume that he has enjoyed the life with her which may have been "funded" by this debt, and often (thankfully) such bonds are stronger than we may give them credit for...:cool:

Sending big hugs to you, because I know you'll worry until this is sorted out one way or the other!:grouphug:

Piglet

*zippy*

Hi LJD1

I just wanted to offer my support and echo the other great advice you have already been given. I went through this last year with my parents, also £35k of debt, it was a horrible shock and very emotional. My first reaction was how can I help them out, shall we get a loan, pay the loan payments for them etc. After a couple of days and I calmed down, I realised its not the solution, even if we could afford it, they are grown ups and very proud, they wanted to sort it out their way.

Keep us posted how you get on.

zippy x

LJD1_2

Hiya

Well in the cold light of day i'm not going to do anything so stupid as take on a loan. I think that was my emotions running riot and the gut reaction to sort things out. The enormity of all this is becoming clearer. One of the reasons this debt is so big is because she has five cards. It turns out she can't make the minimum repayments so she's been taking cash from the cards to pay off the minimum payment. Hence, the amounts are getting bigger and bigger. Does anyone know if the CAB would help to reduce the amounts she has to pay each month? Would this be unlikely because she usually makes the payment? Would it be unlikely because of the investments they have in joint names?

I'm going to go round today with the options and then it's her choice. As i see it the options are;

1) do nothing and my dad will find out anyway.
2) tell my dad
3) divorce him as they're not happy anyway
4) go to CAB for advice
5) a combination of the above.

Sorry if i'm repeating myself but it just makes things clearer for me when I write it all down.

A huge thankyou for all your advice last night. You'll never know how much you've all helped me through this. I'm sure there's a long way to go so i'll be back!

Emmzi

LJD,

all sounds sensible to me. Now stick to your guns! If she cries it'll be hardest. Top tip - just give her a quick cuddle, let her get on with crying, don't comment. When she's calmed down, get back onto 'what do you want to do about it?'

That's gonna be hellish tough - but stick to your guns.

You're doing great! Your head is in exactly the right place.