MSE Parents Club Part 14

SusanC_2

jillie1974 wrote: »

DH is not doing well. He is doing the 'if i had done this/been here' talks. He feels he let his sister down by not being able to save her or not being in the house when the police called for him or not having spoke to her on the day when she rang. he thinks she would have said something to him. its so hard as part of me still is angry at her for causing him (and parents and daughter) so much pain.

:grouphug: It must be very hard for him feeling like he should/could have done something. And although it's easy for me to say, we can't hold ourselves responsible for other people's actions. Obviously we do have an effect on other people but ultimately each individual is responsible for their own actions and not other people. I can understand you being angry but I imagine she probably thought people would be better off this way. Which to anyone thinking rationally obviously makes no sense at all but if someone is in the state where they can take the action she did, they are not going to be thinking totally rationally.

SusanC_2

jillie1974 wrote: »

but we never talk about the happy memories and i do think that is something we need to talk about as at the moment i think that the way she died is overshadowing everything else. its like cos of the way she died, we shouldnt talk about her.

prob not making sense to everyone but i hope 1 or 2 people can understand that.

That does make sense and it must be hard for her daughter if she feels like she can't talk about her mum. I find that talking about the happy memories of someone who is gone makes it easier.

jillie1974

SugarSpun wrote: »

It's difficult to know the right thing to do. Would it help your OH to maybe talk about what he would have said or done if he'd been there to take the call? I don't know the situation, but frequently those sorts of calls are made so that the person making it can say goodbye for themselves; they don't let on that anything is wrong so they can have a happy last call. I don't know if it comforts them or they think it'll be comforting for the other person but if it was like that for your SIL your OH wouldn't have known what was happening anyway.

I think it's healthy to acknowledge the dead too. I often wonder what my grandmother would think of a situation and talk about how she'd have responded or what she'd have done and I normally end up laughing about it because it would probably have been hilarious. Her death wasn't unexpected, but I feel very strongly that nobody who dies wants our lives to be blighted by their loss.

thanks SS

i have said to Dh (i took the call on the morning) that she had said nothing out of the ordinary, just said how excited she was about being an auntie and that she was looking forward to it all.
DH believes she would have let slip something (i dont think so and do believe it was a 'goodbye' call)
we talked (2am) bout what things he could have done....
he says-
*he would have saved her
*he would have stopped her
*had he been in when police called for him he could have had a chance to say goodbye, he feels guilty he was having a drink in the pub in shock that i was to be induced the next day. She was on life support for a while
*he would have realised what she was planning if he had spoken to her


i know these are typical of how someone feels after a suicide and am at a loss of how i can comfort him most. His dad wonders what they did wrong, i feel bad that i didnt wake DH to speak to his sister, athough i do believe if i had done he wouldnt have been best pleased at the time. so i know there is a lot of strong emottions around and tbh i think we could all do with some bereavement counselling.

i dont want to bring the thread down especially as we have been 'nice and fluffy' lately.

jillie1974

SusanC wrote: »

That does make sense and it must be hard for her daughter if she feels like she can't talk about her mum. I find that talking about the happy memories of someone who is gone makes it easier.

i do too, its what i have always done. after my dad died mum, me and my brothers had a good laugh talking bout things we did with dad as kids. it really helps.

when DH grandma died, i talked bout the night we got her tipsy on tia maria and coke lol!!

kindofagilr

Hugs Jille I dont really know what to say xxx

SJ I would still take him to get weighed, you can bet that other mothers wouldnt consider it iyswim so why miss out on A getting weighed

r.mac_2

Becles wrote: »

rmac - is there anyway you can have a rest? Could someone look after her for a day or even just a few hours so you can have some me time? Sounds like you could do with getting out and doing something for yourself, or just staying home and having a nice bath and a film or something.

thanks - I'm looking forward to a we break next week. hubby is taking me away for 4 nights while Lo goes to my parents. It can't some soon enough!

MadDogWoman wrote: »

3/Rmac - Katie definitely knows Daddy is a soft touch, she is a complete nightmare if Daddy is around, but is fine when he isn't.

i.e. no Daddy breakfast is eaten without fuss. Daddy around she does everything she possibly can to get him to feed her, which he does most of the time he doesn't like me getting cross with her! So I end up cross at both of them.

Mummy put her to bed, I read her a book, she lies in bed looking at a couple of others goes to sleep after about 15 minutes. Daddy put her to bed he's up there for up to an hour whilst she strokes his elbow!

He did not like one night when he came home to find me doing Controlled Crying - she was 16 months old and I decided she was big enough to settle herself, I literally had to push him downstairs to stop him going to her to pick her up.

thats exactly as it is in our house - daddy is a soft touch and behaviour can be worse when hes around, but conversly is can be better too as he's often only around at 'fun times'.

I like your counting to 3 idea and think we might try and use that one too.

weezl74 wrote: »

r.mac, I'm a bit patchy in my attendance on here so I hope you don't mind me joining in!

I just wanted to say that after having very high expectations of myself as a mum, I flop into bed now with DH, and he goes, 'they both still alive?' and I go 'yup!' and he goes 'job done!'

And juggling with knives is absolutely a learning opportunity! We learn safety that way all the time at my house! :cool:

And you're an amazing mum. As well as being sickeningly attractive in a younger slimmer version of kirstie alsop way- <spits>

thank you.

3 - I must try your 'chair technique' (only joking!) but you are right, of course!

today is another day and w are feeling more posiitve - only one crying session so far......................

not looking forward to the dentist tri+p this afternoon t+hough :rotfl:==][

aless02

Jillie, you aren't bringing the thread down at all! We're all here to support each other and I know in the past people have been fabulous with all the tough times everyone has gone through at various stages. I know people on the Preg Thread (most of whom are here now!) were wonderfully supportive when my mom died last year, so please don't worry about us, xx.

I'm feeling a bit annoyed that I haven't heard from this job that closed last Thursday...I did a rather kick-!!!! application (if I do say so myself!) and thought I was more than qualified. I really really wanted it!

got-it-spend-it

do_it_today! wrote: »

Hi MadDogWoman
my DS is 21 months and I am due 5th Feb

Hello and welcome! Congrats on your pregnancy. My best friend is due on the 12th Feb!

jillie1974 wrote: »

never really talk about her at all. or very rarely anyway. i'm sure that she is spoken about but i'm very rarely involved in a conversation where she is talked about. the other night Dh aunt and cousin called to drop off a card for Kian and it was not even mentioned then. i thnk probably we are all a little .. oh what do i say/ should i say and prob deep down are waiting for the other person to say something first. with the result no-one says anything. DH will say some things but i have to drag it out of him at times.

but we never talk about the happy memories and i do think that is something we need to talk about as at the moment i think that the way she died is overshadowing everything else. its like cos of the way she died, we shouldnt talk about her.

prob not making sense to everyone but i hope 1 or 2 people can understand that.

It completely makes sense, Jillie. Maybe once this landmark of the first anniversary has passed it will start to start to feel a bit less raw for people. I can't imagine what it must feel like for you all at the moment though.

jillie1974

after climbing earlier Kiann now has a nice purple bump/bruise on his forehead.

oh dear...

tarajayne

Today is crap, today my 10yr had to grow up too fast, she started her periods and it's not f!!!ing fair! :(:(