MSE Parents Club Part 14

redstararnie76

SusanC wrote: »

What shoe size are everyone else's children? Alice got new shoes today and they are size nine. Her friend who is eight is in a size ten (but I know she has small feet so isn't a good comparison).

Hi, just catching up - Susan, Amelie's wears size 12 and she's not quite 5, if that helps?

jillie1974

SusanC wrote: »

I'm glad she's doing well. Do you mean they never talk about her at all or just that they don't talk about when she died? My family don't talk about when someone died or mark anniversaries or anything but we will talk about the person when they come up in conversation. But OH doesn't know anything at all about his dad's real dad (who died in an accident when he was about 12) as his dad has never ever talked about him and he's always felt like he can't ask.

never really talk about her at all. or very rarely anyway. i'm sure that she is spoken about but i'm very rarely involved in a conversation where she is talked about. the other night Dh aunt and cousin called to drop off a card for Kian and it was not even mentioned then. i thnk probably we are all a little .. oh what do i say/ should i say and prob deep down are waiting for the other person to say something first. with the result no-one says anything. DH will say some things but i have to drag it out of him at times.

but we never talk about the happy memories and i do think that is something we need to talk about as at the moment i think that the way she died is overshadowing everything else. its like cos of the way she died, we shouldnt talk about her.

prob not making sense to everyone but i hope 1 or 2 people can understand that.

jillie1974

twilight- enjoyed it. a lot from the book not in the movie but that is to be expected and if i didnt know that was robert patterson i dont think i would have realised it was him, he is so different to the Harry Potter movie.
will watch it again though.

Sarah_Joanne

r.mac wrote: »

But I feel like I'm failing and I'm not used to/like that feeling. What if she turns out bad - it'll be all my fault.

Don;t reall have anything constructive to add by way of advice but just wanted to offer hugs and reassurance that you are a fab mum and it doesn sound to me also like testing boundaries. I'm sure it's just a phase and she will turn out just lovely, like her mummy


Well we have snot central here today. When I went in to Alfie this morning he had green trails all over his face where he's been lying face down, snotty, then wriggled around. He seems happy enough though.

Am I right in thinking it's a bad idea to go get him eighed when he's like this? I wanted to go as I messed up last week and went on the wrong day and he's not been weighed for 2 months!

Jillie I'm glad the lovely Kian is looking after his mummy today :A

bexta

Jillie, it is a tragic situation, and the first year of a loss is always really hard, as each experience is new ie, first Christmas without them.

It may be that they way in which she passed is still too raw for the family to acknowledge her in a way. My OH can talk about his dad, but often finds it tough to talk about his brother, who was a suspected suicide. Some families prefer to not mention these things at all, while others, like yours, gain comfort from remembering their loved one and the happy times.

It could also be that they don't want to 'burden' you at a time that should be a happy one in that you are celebrating Kian's first birthday.

SusanC_2

r.mac wrote: »

I'm just tired out and TBH feeling quite lonely. All my RL friends and their children seem so much better behaved than my LO (thought I know they probably aren't!).

We started Jo jingles classes a few weeks ago. Teacher fine, but class very busy. But I sing along loudly, and really try to get involved to engage LO. But shes spent each class running around - this I wouln't have a problem with normally - they are Lo afterall :rotfl: but she insists on making straight for the door and out of the church hall :eek: This week she was so disruptive to the others I left early. The funny thing was that each time she left the room she asked me for the car keys and said 'house, mummy, house' so it was clear she didn't want to be there!

while its funny in hindsight, its hard work at the time and I only do these things because I thought she's enjoy them. We can't got the supermarket without it being traumtic. no mtter how quick I am, how organised we are, how much I distract her/engage her etc.

We HAD to go to town today to get her new shoes. She wouldn't have her feet measured or checked - total meltdown. And thats not like her. Some calpol later and still no cooperation. Thought she was hungry so took her to JL for food - she threw is over the man at the table next to us so we quickly left (it was her favourite and i also ha drawing things with us to fill any moments we had to wait, but in the end it was useless). The then screamed blue murder in teh nursery department of the shop, all the way home in teh car, in her cot for 30 mins until she fell asleep.

This afternoon was spent removing her from dangerous things which I can't possible move anywhere else (HVs only adivce). This week she has discovered she can open the top cutlery drawer, stick her hand in and find the carving knife :eek::eek::eek::eek: In the time i managed to pour hot water an milk into a mug to make a coffee, she had climbe onto the kitchen table:eek: and she was saying 'bow, bow, bow' which means bounce, while - yep you guessed it - bouncing!

I'm trying to stay consistent and firm, but I feel like someone has stolen my wee girl and replaced her with a monster who knows which of my buttons to press. *insert tearing out hair smilie*

I'm trying soooooo hard to give her the best of everything - my time, quality time, learning opportunities, toys, clothes, socialising with other children,, physical activities etc etc and keep the house that i seem to be acieving nothing apart from keeping her alive (an barely that after the knife incident):o

:grouphug: I wonder if it would help if you had some kind of regular routine? I'm sure you already have one to some extent (i.e. naps, eating meals) but once you're no longer feeding them all the time, you end up up with big unstructured spaces of time to fill between those things. I've found that Alice does better when we mainly have routine to our days than when we don't. She's generally fine with unusual days but I do notice a difference in her behaviour if we have lots of disruption over a number of days - it tends to be fairly similar to the effects of not enough sleep. It may not work for you and I'm certainly not suggesting it might be a magic solution or anything but it might be something which helps a little bit.

jillie1974

bexta wrote: »

Jillie, it is a tragic situation, and the first year of a loss is always really hard, as each experience is new ie, first Christmas without them.

It may be that they way in which she passed is still too raw for the family to acknowledge her in a way. My OH can talk about his dad, but often finds it tough to talk about his brother, who was a suspected suicide. Some families prefer to not mention these things at all, while others, like yours, gain comfort from remembering their loved one and the happy times.

It could also be that they don't want to 'burden' you at a time that should be a happy one in that you are celebrating Kian's first birthday.

thanks bexta

i do feel its a combination of things. DH is struggling a bit with that he can be sad today and be happy tomorrow.

redstararnie76

SusanC wrote: »

I was just going to ask if I was the only one who didn't cry when watching it - I was beginning to think I must be really weird or something. My impression was that the career mum was having a baby because that's what you do and it's another "achievement" so to speak rather than that she really wanted to have one. And I thought Tigs and Marley were lovely.

Managed to catch up with CHAB last night (no tears but plenty of :eek:). Thought Tigs and Marley were great, and Andrew definitely stole the show :A

SugarSpun

jillie1974 wrote: »

but we never talk about the happy memories and i do think that is something we need to talk about as at the moment i think that the way she died is overshadowing everything else. its like cos of the way she died, we shouldnt talk about her.

It's difficult to know the right thing to do. Would it help your OH to maybe talk about what he would have said or done if he'd been there to take the call? I don't know the situation, but frequently those sorts of calls are made so that the person making it can say goodbye for themselves; they don't let on that anything is wrong so they can have a happy last call. I don't know if it comforts them or they think it'll be comforting for the other person but if it was like that for your SIL your OH wouldn't have known what was happening anyway.

I think it's healthy to acknowledge the dead too. I often wonder what my grandmother would think of a situation and talk about how she'd have responded or what she'd have done and I normally end up laughing about it because it would probably have been hilarious. Her death wasn't unexpected, but I feel very strongly that nobody who dies wants our lives to be blighted by their loss.

Edit: MacSmiler, I meant to say that I tied Molly's clothing drawers closed so she can't unpack them. Could you do the same with your cutlery drawer, just till she gets used to not being able to open it?

redstararnie76

r.mac wrote: »

thanks for all the hugs everyone - much appreciated!

3 - I've not done that one, specifically, but things like that do happen in our house too.

I'm just tired out and TBH feeling quite lonely. All my RL friends and their children seem so much better behaved than my LO (thought I know they probably aren't!).

We started Jo jingles classes a few weeks ago. Teacher fine, but class very busy. But I sing along loudly, and really try to get involved to engage LO. But shes spent each class running around - this I wouln't have a problem with normally - they are Lo afterall :rotfl: but she insists on making straight for the door and out of the church hall :eek: This week she was so disruptive to the others I left early. The funny thing was that each time she left the room she asked me for the car keys and said 'house, mummy, house' so it was clear she didn't want to be there!

while its funny in hindsight, its hard work at the time and I only do these things because I thought she's enjoy them. We can't got the supermarket without it being traumtic. no mtter how quick I am, how organised we are, how much I distract her/engage her etc.

We HAD to go to town today to get her new shoes. She wouldn't have her feet measured or checked - total meltdown. And thats not like her. Some calpol later and still no cooperation. Thought she was hungry so took her to JL for food - she threw is over the man at the table next to us so we quickly left (it was her favourite and i also ha drawing things with us to fill any moments we had to wait, but in the end it was useless). The then screamed blue murder in teh nursery department of the shop, all the way home in teh car, in her cot for 30 mins until she fell asleep.

This afternoon was spent removing her from dangerous things which I can't possible move anywhere else (HVs only adivce). This week she has discovered she can open the top cutlery drawer, stick her hand in and find the carving knife :eek::eek::eek::eek: In the time i managed to pour hot water an milk into a mug to make a coffee, she had climbe onto the kitchen table:eek: and she was saying 'bow, bow, bow' which means bounce, while - yep you guessed it - bouncing!

I'm trying to stay consistent and firm, but I feel like someone has stolen my wee girl and replaced her with a monster who knows which of my buttons to press. *insert tearing out hair smilie*

I'm trying soooooo hard to give her the best of everything - my time, quality time, learning opportunities, toys, clothes, socialising with other children,, physical activities etc etc and keep the house that i seem to be acieving nothing apart from keeping her alive (an barely that after the knife incident):o

I don't think I've cooked anything 'proper' for hubby and myself for dinner for weeks now - I'm so exhausted by the time she goes to bed......

sorry for the self indulgence. I don't think hubby gets it, but he's trying to be sympathetic supportive. At least my mum understands as apparently I wasn't dissimilar;) but shes a way away from me at the moment. And you guys are wonderful too. But I feel like I'm failing and I'm not used to/like that feeling. What if she turns out bad - it'll be all my fault.

R.Mac - just wanted to send you a hug and say 'I know that feeling very well' .
My daughter isn't malicious but she is VERY energetic and she still wears me out. I took her to Gymboree for ages and most of the time she wouldn't join in, and just ran around. Towards the end of the time we went, she joined in more - by then she was nearly 4:eek:.
She finds it really hard to just calm down - she can focus on drawing or one of her 'how to read/write' books for ages, but if we go into town, she can be a nightmare. I spend a lot of time thinking that I must be an awful mum, especially as I've found it quite hard to cope with her at home during my maternity leave, when she gets on really well at nursery (and now school).

You are really not failing, she's obviously a bright, well-balanced, active and curious little girl - unfortunately this can also mean that they are demanding and exhausting!