Buffy's Adventures at the Post Office......

Buffythedebtslayer

I don't know what I feel at the moment. I have sorted out a few things this half term and worked some extra shifts seen a few friends and got a haircut, I also tidied up my classroom. Apart from the first Saturday I haven't had a day when I haven't done something but I am still having lots to do.

I messed up my passowrds for the bank and thus have no access to money till next weekend(great!) and I still have filing and planning to do. so tired too.

Any how as normal, my sister has proved largely unsupportive in my quest to sort a few things out for the house. It has hurt I'll be honest. I don't know what I expected but I guess regardless of what I say in my heart of hearts I am still the little sister who expects or at least hopes not to do everything on her own. When I was ill she was nice. but other then that she is so unaware of life of what happens.

I am still circling that place where I nearly have the things I want happening and yet I completely self sabotage. I keep telling myself to get a grip but I just cannot seem to. I think I need to read some books and have a think. I know it comes back to I want to leave my job. And I then I dont want to.

well I do, but hey who doesn't!

I looked at my 101 things in a 1001 days list and many are in progress but I am stopping myself. I think I know why I do this. If I change my behaviour and it works - ie my life gets better then what I have been doing is wrong.............And the fight that has been the last three/four years has been for nothing. And it is difficult to admit to being wrong.

Now I appreciate what I am saying there is that it is better to keep digging your hole in the wrong place then get out of the hole and dig in the right place. A sort of never being wrong situation.....which is of course ridiculous, we are all wrong at some time. And in any case my life at the moment is not really working!!

I don't really think I am living in this disorganised chaos (which is steadily getting worse along with me getting fatter and more miserable) because I think I am right. I think I am doing it because I am frightened of change and fearful of what it may bring. Which to some extent most people are.....Also I do want someone to rescue me(and I know that has to me) it is hard on your own with no one there for you. I feel like I fight everything. its all a bit of a struggle and for what? Well I know what for, so I can be free of debt,work and fear, go to America to see my sister, to drive my car visit my friends.However these seem distant and unbelieveable.

This is so the pattern of my life, do really well and then let things go cos what if? what if it works and I am really responsible for something?( Yes I am also aware I need to grow up!! )

I think my other problem( please don't continue reading you don't like self pitying crap! you have surely had enough by now!) is that I went through a period like this in my mid twenties (cliche anyone?) and did sort myself out I was alright, busy happy and looking forward to my life. Then when we lost my beloved Father and frankly no self help book deals with that fully. It was an awful dreadful dark dark time. it is better now, I cannot pinpoint when it became better but it has.

However the "tricks" I learnt in my 20s don't work now, its like they only fool me once? - this really isn't making sense to even me now!! Plus my life has changed so much. I can no longer do as I please neither can my friends. I want security as much as I can, I want no debts, a house a partner - if I am honest that should come first.

I know I have the skills to do my job, I know rationally I can make enough money to pay of the debts and look after mum.

I just don't feel it? I am essentially scared (again I know I am not unique in this)

So what I need to do is figure out a plan - I mean one to sort my head out, even if I make no effort with the debt it will be gone by August of next year.

I know this is a self pitying ramble but I HAD to get these thoughts out of my head. if it offends go read somewhere else!!

*goes off to look at some self books *

beanielou

Buffy~ i love you my friend.
I could have written part of that myself.
When I was in France someone really upset me by telling me I seemed really lonely,sometimes the truth hurts a wee bit.
Anyway have a big hug xxxx

beanielou

Struck a chord as you said on Wol's diary.

beanielou

Hows the driving going?

urg123

HI Buffy

I'm so sorry that things are so hard for you at the moment. I also had my troubles in my twenties after coming back. I was lucky - I had people there to support me - mainly my mum. She was the one I could talk to and also encouraged me. I really miss that.

I know from previous posts that your dad was like that for you when you hit that tough patch in your twenties. The lack of encouragement and support from your family is hard - the others in your familly are probably trying to keep things 'safe' for them and that means keeping things as they are.

It's hard for you - you have a vision of where you want to be but you are also worried about how your push for the future affects the way things are.

Buffy - you are one of the most caring people I've 'met' on here. You have also taken steps forward with your debt but you have also stalled in other things. I don't know how you can move forward - the debt will soon be gone and that will mean that you can focus on other things but it is so much harder when you don't really know what those are.

urg123

Sorry - I pressed send too early!!

Writing this has been quite deep for me!

Recently I have been 'imagining' or maybe even having visions of me in a few years time. I like what I see and am starting to think about how I can get there. Do you know where you want to be in five years?

I've had tears and it has also really made me think of my brother who lives with my dad and also struggles with work. Today is the first day that I have thought that your circumstances are similar. I would like to be there for him more.

I don't know if any of this helps you Buffy

Sending you lots of hugs.

urg x x

Buffythedebtslayer

Beanie and Urg what would I do without you ? Thank you and of course it helps, I am going to work throught it all....

You asked where I see myself in 5 years.

I honestly don'tknow. you are right. I am not clear on what I want. I think I might be too afraid to admit that I want a husband and children. I have spent so long alone that I don't know.... I won't be at my current job and I will have a house.

I like this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWLdA4Vy_Fw&feature=related

for now, although a "book" might not have all the answers I am going to look through my shelves and find one to follow. Just to give me a direction untill I find mine again.

thank you again xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

LouiseJ

You are in a "!!!!!! but safe" zone at work and even if the !!!!!! is realy bad its still a safe place, bit like prison.

I have had wine

I do love you lots xx

urg123

I find self help books painful when I am hurting. What about something that will feed the soul. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho is beautiful if you haven't tried it before. Otherwise soemthing that you love that you can get lost in.

urg x x

Souk08

Ah love, just nosying through some diaries and thought I'd check in on yours and I find out that you are sad. So sorry to hear this. We all have our down times my lovey, some of us are just better at going 'GO AWAY' to them I think. Re not knowing what you want...I think you do but you don't want to admit it. You have come so far already.

You know that you need to change. As for where it will take you...who knows. No one does but that can't be a reason not to try. PLEASE don't 'What if' your life away because as far as I know you only get one go at it XXXX