High income but deep deep in debt-any advice?

debthelp100830

Tomby1 wrote: »

Agreed with the above.

I know women like men with money (as my girlfriend often jokingly tells me as I am skint all the time!) but there's a difference between want and need!

You are meant to go through marriage and face the tough times together, and that is what makes you stronger as a couple! Some of the strongest couples I know have been through the worst times finanically and emotionally.

Just sit down with her and talk it over, and lay down the situation and ask for patience. If she can't give you that, when you're having issues already, then personally I'd tell her where she could go!

am trying my best. the answer i get is she has only seen worst time when everyone told her before marriage these are going to be the best. anyways, will focus on finances for now- i am just ignoring the relationship part, that at least keep my mind free to think.

chesky369

I think the OP may be frantic that his wife might take his daughter abroad - he's been asked a couple of times if she's from this country but hasn't replied.

This is not a loan question despite what the OP keeps saying - if he were on his own, he'd be able to get out of this mess without a loan.

The sad thing is that, even if he sorted things out now, in six months or two years, wifey would still be holding him to ransome - I see absolutely no future for them together.

debthelp100830

Kitten_Claws wrote: »

Debthelp. I do hope you sort your issues out if for nothing else to salve the enormous pressure you appear to be under. I'm not going to make any judgements about your wife/marriage as I think you know already that the circumstances are not sustainable - even after six months when you have cleared your debts.

Six months is no time whatsoever in the great scheme of things - so cutting back does seem to be the most sensible option at least for the time being and a DMP might help you breathe for a bit.

However, I would urge you, for the sake of your health, to take serious stock of your lifestyle and the stress factors. Your high earnings must relate to a fairly pressured job which you are juggling along with the emotional turmoil of potentially 'losing' your daughter should you be forced to economise. I would recommend a day or so away from the situation in order to catch your breath and think things through very carefully. Have you a friend or family member you can confide in? You would be surprised how many people would be willing to help without being judgemental.

I wish you well. x

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Those making comments on this chaps lifestyle and judging him on his expenditure appear resentful that they are not in the same income bracket, imo. Everyone has a different set of circumstances and pigeonholing people because you think they should live differently is unhelpful.

dont think everyone is resentful. i myself am not proud of earning what i do and still in the kind of mess i am in. but many thanks for seeing my situation w/o being judgemental.
dont have many ppl to confide in- family/friends who know the situation think am stupid, and those who dont know the situation think am conceited and anti-social.
some of the cuts i am trying- i think it has helped to get specific advice. i spent half on food today already than normal. clothes unfortunately another 195 spent today, its a joke.

debthelp100830

katsu wrote: »

I don't know if a credit union would help you with a loan to cover maybe one of your payday loans as I think they are generally aimed at lower income people. You could have a look for your local credit union and speak to them - if they can't help you will be no worse off than you are now.

tried looking for a credit union- couldnt find anyone around my place.

debthelp100830

property.advert wrote: »

I know exactly where the OP is coming from. He wants to get it all sorted with the wife never knowing and therein lies the problem and the solution.

Though hard to admit it to her and you may still be able to get away without doing so, you have to reign in spending by a few thousand a month. !!!!!!!! her if you want and say it is only until the vesting shares but do something. Faffing about changing electricity suppliers or Sky TV is not the problem nor the answer here, the issue lies in chipping away at £500 here and £250 there etc.

Obviously the missus doesn't pay any attention to money so just tell her there will be less around these next few months. In the end, as she knows jack about your finances, she'll just have to lump it.

wife knows. she thinks (and says) i am responsible for taking care of finances. if i have made a mess, i sort it out.

Errata

debthelp100830 wrote: »

wife knows. she thinks (and says) i am responsible for taking care of finances. if i have made a mess, i sort it out.

So tell her the food bill from now on will be £250pm and no new clothes for anyone.

debthelp100830

nat21luv wrote: »

reading through the posts i can see that you think the only solution to your problem is to get more debt to cover debt. you didnt get the loan you wanted because it was a blessing in disguise. you dont need another lender to pay every month.
i sympathise with you a little with regards to your wife, she's obviously rather materialistic so maybe you should remind her that if you both cutback for a few months you could then live the lifestyle she so desperately needs.
i cant believe that she knows the situation but wont do anything to help her family, christ, i too am a SAHM but i still manage to earn 600pm just buying/selling on ebay and ive got a baba to look after and THE OTHER HALFS 38k debt to pay-it might be his debt but we're in it together.
anyway, back to your debt. just by cutting back for 1 month would make a massive difference, have you read MSE's tips on shopping and buying the next product down? save a fortune. but if your wife didnt want to be seen buying cheaper products then why not internet shop? noone will know and i guarantee it will be the cheapest shop you have ever done-NO MORE IMPULSE BUYS! the 300pm for clothes, can you not go without for one month? i know your wife probably likes to have her girly days shopping/coffee with her friends but maybe if she did something more productive like selling her old clothes on ebay she would make enough to buy new ones!
you really need to sit the wife down and SHOW her your debts/outgoings and the outcome if its not addressed ie bankruptcy. no shouting/screaming, just sat around the table talking. she needs to know because she married you....so isnt half of the debt now hers?!!!
i dont mean to be rude about your wife, i just dont understand a woman who wouldnt want to do anything she could to keep he family together.

thnx- appreciate. but i am more focussed on what i can change rather than her. trust me am better off staying peaceful at home w/o any shouting in front of my daughter. i have mentioned abt bankruptcy and half debt but she thinks (and says) am joking- "it doesnt become mine by your saying so, you took it, u made a mess, so stop blaming me, etc etc".

summary is i have a daughter. am not doing it for fun and out of love for her to be honest. i dont need any shouting and fight in front of my daughter. and i have no time or money to fight a custody/divorce battle. so i am ignoring relationship bit as long as my daughter lives a normal life- survive for 6 mths, one issue tackled. then i can look at the main one.

debthelp100830

smartpicture wrote: »

Maybe it's in the way you approach the subject with your wife. If you're just saying, we don't have enough money, you have to stop spending, yet she knows you're earning 100k a year then it's not going to sink in. If you can't have a proper conversation about it, then write a spreadsheet with all the figures clearly laid out and show her what a difference a few months cutting down would do. Ask for her help for the short-term only, and explain that you want to give her what she wants, and this is the best way to achieve it. Maybe even offer her an incentive of something she specifically wants when the shares are sold if she co-operates (although that may be how you got into this mess).

The bottom line is that you won't get through this unless your wife is on board. Even if it's only half-hearted or grumbling, that's what you need to focus your energies on achieving.

I would be inclined to call her bluff. Remind her that if she leaves now, you have no money to fund a separate household anyway and she has no income of her own, so what is she going to live on? Or tell her that if she leaves, you will immediately give up your job and fight for custody, and there will be no money coming in the fund her lifestyle then. Whether you use a carrot or a stick or both to get her on-board, that is the ONLY solution available to you.

many thanks mate- but marriage doesnt work on threats. have gone thru this route when i was jobless. ego dominates in this situation and bluff is carried on with families jumping in to make it worse. there are false accusations and what not. my daughter is my mission. and the one lesson i have learnt is i need to fix my finances first, then when in stronger financial (and as a result emotional with less stress) the other fix.

to be honest, i sometimes feel she doesnt like money in the sense that she gets part of my assets if we ever have any. its more a show-off to herself, to others around her that she is rich, has latest gadgets, lives a grand life that matters. half the fault lies with things like facebook. it seems all her friends are having great time, amazing holidays, great parties- she doesnt get it that ppl might be thinking the same about her the way she comes across but thats not always the truth.

BAILEYS6904

Op, it doesnt look like one can get sorted without the other. As you have said, you've spent the day tryng to work ways to cut back, your wifes just spent the money you have albeit mentally saved, on a new suit.

While shes still spending even if you're trying to save, you're never going to get out of this hole. Would it maybe be an idea to show her this thread? She can then see how panicked and scared you are on losing her and your daughter, but also see what a bad position she is putting you in, and how she is coming across to outsiders looking in?

If I was her, I would be seriously ashamed of my actions and look for anyway to help the family unit

debthelp100830

immoral_angeluk wrote: »

Completely agree!!!!!

OP... if you were on the outside looking in.. and a friend of your's wife was treating him how your wife is treating you, what would you think?

agree- but as i explained now is not the time for that.