High income but deep deep in debt-any advice?

bettyg41

debthelp100830 wrote: »

thanks- i will ring cccs tomorrow again. i am just scared of all this debt management plan etc. i just want to genuinely pay off my debt and live a normal life after that. fact that i think my life will be normal after 6 mths makes me even more cautious about using any plans that make my life difficult in future.

i have made mistakes in the past which has put me in today's situation. dont want to do something that would now affect my future.

target is simply to get thru 6 mths, reach 1Mar2011, pay everything off, start life from clean slate. remembering to learn from past mistakes but cutting off expenses and building savings for the rainy day and focus on giving my daughter best of education and best of life. first part of getting thru 6 mths is the toughest one. i am likely to miss payments on my credit cards for the first month this time, and want to avoid that.

will call cccs now- and tell them this, if they can help then great. else, i dunno. i will cut expenses from tmrw and try to take my daughter off nursery if my wife hasnt found a job by sept-end (anyway, nursery needs 1 mth notice)- and i am giving them the notice tmrw mrng when i leave my daughter to nursery.

Well good luck,
keep us updated how things go.
Betty

debthelp100830

AE1982 wrote: »

Hi I have created an AE for this post but wanted to say this. My Dad was in a very similar situation to you in the early nineties. He was an MD of a large company that made redundancies and out of work for 2 years. He was in massive debt (around half a million). My mother would not sacrifice her lifestyle for the sake of the family. We lived in a mansion with a swimming pool but she would not sell as she refused to have less than 6 bedrooms and could not have any neighbours or be overlooked in any way, nor would she get rid of the nanny or do her own cleaning. She did not allow him to go bankrupt or do debt management as it would damage her image and that was all she cared about. She cared only for how the family looked to outsiders not what happened inside which was hell.

We had no food and the house was always freezing. The arguments between them were constant day and night and incredibly violent and abusive. Eventually my Mum basically went crazy and started attacking her children but that too was hidden. TBH if we had neighbours social services would have come and taken us away. As the child I would happily have lived in a council flat if I could have had a Mum and Dad that cared about me even if they were divorced and bankrupt as the situation has damaged the entire family forever. My Dad is 58 and still paying the debt back (yet she spends £2000 a month on clothes and has a brand new Audi every year). They should have got divorced.

In summary if you find the situation starting to look like this leaving is the best thing for your daughter as a happy Daddy is all she will really care about. Don't let money destroy your life and if your wife truely loves you she will make the sacrifices needed.

thanks mate- this sounds so familar with my problem i think slightly at smaller scale. i think my wife is slighly nicer as well- i think its just too much peer pressure on her. she is supposed to have married a succesful, rich guy rather than a debt-ridden person, and there is a refusal to adjust. she will rather leave than be seen to be living with latter. so we behave as if we are super rich when the reality is totally other way around.

but at the same time i hear you, i would be stupid if i didnt solve the core problem of cutting on expenses. i know what an average family earns in UK and if they can live happily, so can we. What other forumites see as reluctance to cut expenses is more me buying time to be able to achieve the same result w/o any chance of losing my daughter. I would be more credible both inside the closed walls as well as in any public situation if i put my foot down when my life is slightly normal than when i struggle to put money together for next week's food. its more a case of 1 step at a time- but come 6 mths forward, i am clear that i need to solve the core issue.

but many thanks for sharing- even i am suffering a bit in the sense of strong need to hide the real situation but thats also because that impacts how my job goes. people start treating you different way at work if u r seen to have made mess of your personal life.

Its human nature to make a connection that someone who is good at job, manages his team well, has a confident personality at work would be similarly be doing a good job with his personal life, and if they find out latter isnt true, then they start doubting the former too.

I am going to call my bank, call cccs, speak to my daughter's nursery and then see how it goes. many thanks for all the advice and help.

debthelp100830

wannabedebtfree wrote: »

I understand your desperation, the difference being between you and I is that I have a family of 4 struggling on 20% of what you earn. You are in the lucky position that you know in 6 months time you will be able to pay your debt in its entirity, so the next 6 months will have to consist of cutting back as much as possible, learning from this and hopefully never getting into this position again. We have another 4-5 years of scraping by every month with only the lottery as our hope of salvation! This is not meant sarcastically or snidely I am just trying to point out that your situation is more managable than some people who use these boards.

You won't get a loan at the moment as 9 credit searches in 12 months, particularly the 3 in the past 3 months makes lenders suspicious, coupled with the fact that you are using 107% of your available credit would make most lenders run away to the hills.

Your budget has MASSIVE potential to be cut, and this will mean that the next 6 months will be easier than they are at the moment. Others have already pointed out the obvious about cutting back, but these are my thoughts;

Sky TV - cut out the movies and just get the entertainment, kids channels etc, I pay £20 per month

Food - I spend on average about £60 a week on 4 of us, thats lunches etc and I could probably cut this further, some weeks I only spend about £20 and although we aren't brand snobs there are some items I won't scrimp on. I do have most brands in my cupboards from Value up to top names, depending on the item. I get the offers generally and stock up on items that we use lots of when they are at their cheapest.

Clothes etc - this can be cut back for a while, and you say you spend £15-20 on friends kids bdays, I pick up gifts on the cheap and keep them in my wardrobe for random bdays, I picked up hair braiders that were £25 for £1.99 when they changed the box and Comet were getting rid of old stock! I also by sets of books from The Bookpeople, these tend to be £10 max but are very generous presents when you are giving someone 10 books and I think this is better than some plastic toy that will be a 10 minute craze.

Nursery - I'm glad you've decided to cut this back!

I personally don't think the stress will be any less in 6 months if you have not sorted out the issues with your wife, I think this is a bigger issue than the money really and your depression is making you focus on the money, I know I've been there and it was only when I realised that the money wasn't the biggest issue that I could actually start to sort the other stuff out.

Best of luck with your DFW journey.

thanks, agree with all points on cut.

sorry to hear about your own situation- good luck with your own journey. in comparison, my situation is my own doing and perhaps am being taught a lesson the hard way. Only worry is now am reaching the edge, so just want it to end. but i know there are people worse off than me and its not even always their own fault.

and completely agree- core issue is something else, but i cant solve that immediately so trying to solve what i can for now.

CLAPTON

debthelp100830 wrote: »

thanks, agree with all points on cut.

sorry to hear about your own situation- good luck with your own journey. in comparison, my situation is my own doing and perhaps am being taught a lesson the hard way. Only worry is now am reaching the edge, so just want it to end. but i know there are people worse off than me and its not even always their own fault.

and completely agree- core issue is something else, but i cant solve that immediately so trying to solve what i can for now.

fault is pretty irrelevant here ;
no-one's injured, no-one's dead; no-one has suffered in any real sense, except maybe a little child doesn't have two happy loving parents that have time to love her when they actually have no objective problems whatsoever.

the future is what matters; you are ignoring the issues; maybe we are destined to make the same mistakes again and again.

Mrs_Jojo

Simple answer - cut food spending, cut clothes spending, cut nursery spending for 6 months.

Remind wife of the wedding vows - richer and poorer.

6 momths time, sorted.

I really do sympathise, but as a woman (who has worked all her life) I think your wife needs a massive reality check - you do know that there is nothing stopping you applying for custody if your marriage did break up, don't you?

Tomby1

Mrs_Jojo wrote: »

Remind wife of the wedding vows - richer and poorer.

I really do sympathise, but as a woman (who has worked all her life) I think your wife needs a massive reality check - you do know that there is nothing stopping you applying for custody if your marriage did break up, don't you?

Agreed with the above.

I know women like men with money (as my girlfriend often jokingly tells me as I am skint all the time!) but there's a difference between want and need!

You are meant to go through marriage and face the tough times together, and that is what makes you stronger as a couple! Some of the strongest couples I know have been through the worst times finanically and emotionally.

Just sit down with her and talk it over, and lay down the situation and ask for patience. If she can't give you that, when you're having issues already, then personally I'd tell her where she could go!

Kitten_Claws

Debthelp. I do hope you sort your issues out if for nothing else to salve the enormous pressure you appear to be under. I'm not going to make any judgements about your wife/marriage as I think you know already that the circumstances are not sustainable - even after six months when you have cleared your debts.

Six months is no time whatsoever in the great scheme of things - so cutting back does seem to be the most sensible option at least for the time being and a DMP might help you breathe for a bit.

However, I would urge you, for the sake of your health, to take serious stock of your lifestyle and the stress factors. Your high earnings must relate to a fairly pressured job which you are juggling along with the emotional turmoil of potentially 'losing' your daughter should you be forced to economise. I would recommend a day or so away from the situation in order to catch your breath and think things through very carefully. Have you a friend or family member you can confide in? You would be surprised how many people would be willing to help without being judgemental.

I wish you well. x

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Those making comments on this chaps lifestyle and judging him on his expenditure appear resentful that they are not in the same income bracket, imo. Everyone has a different set of circumstances and pigeonholing people because you think they should live differently is unhelpful.

katsu

I don't know if a credit union would help you with a loan to cover maybe one of your payday loans as I think they are generally aimed at lower income people. You could have a look for your local credit union and speak to them - if they can't help you will be no worse off than you are now.

property.advert

I know exactly where the OP is coming from. He wants to get it all sorted with the wife never knowing and therein lies the problem and the solution.

Though hard to admit it to her and you may still be able to get away without doing so, you have to reign in spending by a few thousand a month. !!!!!!!! her if you want and say it is only until the vesting shares but do something. Faffing about changing electricity suppliers or Sky TV is not the problem nor the answer here, the issue lies in chipping away at £500 here and £250 there etc.

Obviously the missus doesn't pay any attention to money so just tell her there will be less around these next few months. In the end, as she knows jack about your finances, she'll just have to lump it.

nat21luv

reading through the posts i can see that you think the only solution to your problem is to get more debt to cover debt. you didnt get the loan you wanted because it was a blessing in disguise. you dont need another lender to pay every month.
i sympathise with you a little with regards to your wife, she's obviously rather materialistic so maybe you should remind her that if you both cutback for a few months you could then live the lifestyle she so desperately needs.
i cant believe that she knows the situation but wont do anything to help her family, christ, i too am a SAHM but i still manage to earn 600pm just buying/selling on ebay and ive got a baba to look after and THE OTHER HALFS 38k debt to pay-it might be his debt but we're in it together.
anyway, back to your debt. just by cutting back for 1 month would make a massive difference, have you read MSE's tips on shopping and buying the next product down? save a fortune. but if your wife didnt want to be seen buying cheaper products then why not internet shop? noone will know and i guarantee it will be the cheapest shop you have ever done-NO MORE IMPULSE BUYS! the 300pm for clothes, can you not go without for one month? i know your wife probably likes to have her girly days shopping/coffee with her friends but maybe if she did something more productive like selling her old clothes on ebay she would make enough to buy new ones!
you really need to sit the wife down and SHOW her your debts/outgoings and the outcome if its not addressed ie bankruptcy. no shouting/screaming, just sat around the table talking. she needs to know because she married you....so isnt half of the debt now hers?!!!
i dont mean to be rude about your wife, i just dont understand a woman who wouldnt want to do anything she could to keep he family together.