High income but deep deep in debt-any advice?

smartpicture

Maybe it's in the way you approach the subject with your wife. If you're just saying, we don't have enough money, you have to stop spending, yet she knows you're earning 100k a year then it's not going to sink in. If you can't have a proper conversation about it, then write a spreadsheet with all the figures clearly laid out and show her what a difference a few months cutting down would do. Ask for her help for the short-term only, and explain that you want to give her what she wants, and this is the best way to achieve it. Maybe even offer her an incentive of something she specifically wants when the shares are sold if she co-operates (although that may be how you got into this mess).

The bottom line is that you won't get through this unless your wife is on board. Even if it's only half-hearted or grumbling, that's what you need to focus your energies on achieving.

I would be inclined to call her bluff. Remind her that if she leaves now, you have no money to fund a separate household anyway and she has no income of her own, so what is she going to live on? Or tell her that if she leaves, you will immediately give up your job and fight for custody, and there will be no money coming in the fund her lifestyle then. Whether you use a carrot or a stick or both to get her on-board, that is the ONLY solution available to you.

wannabedebtfree_2

debthelp100830 wrote: »

thanks mate- this sounds so familar with my problem i think slightly at smaller scale. i think my wife is slighly nicer as well- i think its just too much peer pressure on her. she is supposed to have married a succesful, rich guy rather than a debt-ridden person, regardless of the debt you are still the same PERSON, did she marry you or your bank balance? and there is a refusal to adjust. she will rather leave than be seen to be living with latter. so we behave as if we are super rich when the reality is totally other way around. I find this really upsetting, that your wife would rather break up her family than adjust for 6 months, this to me speaks volumes about her priorities. I can guarantee there will be friends of yours or your wifes in similar situations, doing exactly what you are doing and hiding it, you are not the only high income person to be struggling to make ends meet. Keeping up with the Jones' is an incredibly stressful way to live, I would rather be skint and happy than constantly striving to better everyone elses wardrobe, car, holiday etc etc etc

but at the same time i hear you, i would be stupid if i didnt solve the core problem of cutting on expenses. i know what an average family earns in UK and if they can live happily, so can we. What other forumites see as reluctance to cut expenses is more me buying time to be able to achieve the same result w/o any chance of losing my daughter. I would be more credible both inside the closed walls as well as in any public situation if i put my foot down when my life is slightly normal than when i struggle to put money together for next week's food. its more a case of 1 step at a time- but come 6 mths forward, i am clear that i need to solve the core issue. I'm glad you appreciate that there are more issues thn just the debt, this will help you on your journey.

but many thanks for sharing- even i am suffering a bit in the sense of strong need to hide the real situation but thats also because that impacts how my job goes. people start treating you different way at work if u r seen to have made mess of your personal life. They don't need to 'see' it, we are all pretty good at putting on a front, I have suffered on and off with depression for 13 years yet if people find out they always say to me they never would have known because I am always really happy, I just tell them I've got very good acting skills, they don't see me when I am on my own, I've just got very good at pretending everything is fantastic.

Its human nature to make a connection that someone who is good at job, manages his team well, has a confident personality at work would be similarly be doing a good job with his personal life, and if they find out latter isnt true, then they start doubting the former too. I don't think this is entirely true, peoples home/work lives are completely separate and I know plenty of people who are very good at their jobs but have personal lives from hell, this doesn't make me doubt their ability to do the job at all. Maybe it depends on what part of the country you are in, which industry you are in and the type of people you work with, but if the people you are working with are that shallow I think I would want to change jobs!

I am going to call my bank, call cccs, speak to my daughter's nursery and then see how it goes. many thanks for all the advice and help.

Best wishes!

Lara44

Hey Debthelp

I also really feel for you in this situation. I just want to say it wasn't your fault that you weren't able to get a job for a couple of years. All those worries should not have been on your shoulders alone. Your wife's attitude makes me cross.

As discussed already here your only option is to limit your household spending. I know you don't want your wife and daughter to be affected. But I think there's a lot you can do without them knowing. You can start by having breakfast at home and taking a packed lunch into work. You can change the gas and electricity suppliers. You can meal plan and order the shopping online (Sainsbury's instead of Waitrose or M&S). You could ask your wife for a compromise on nursery for half the days a week. If you do the shopping online and pay the bills directly can you give your wife a smaller amount for housekeeping/allowance? You can go through your old clothes / DVDs / gadgets and find some to sell on ebay / amazon. Do you have any assets you haven't mentioned such as a car? Your wife already knows you're in debt and if you can persuade her to make minimal changes or hand over the household reins for 6 months she might well go along with it.

I totally disagree with this advice in one sense, because it's all falling back on you alone again. But if you want to cut your spending, you *can* - even without your wife being on board. if there is a lesson to be learnt from the DFW it's that every little does actually help - much more than you'd expect. Think of every pound you save, or make on ebay as a pound off this incredible weight around your neck of the payday loans. You can do this!

dfitps

Can you somehow get across to your wife that even if you are earning >100K, you can still only spend each pound once, and that being able to spend money completely without thought would actually require a salary of several times yours? On >100K I think you can buy pretty much whatever you want in the way of everyday luxuries, and have holidays, and a posh house, and look pretty rich, but you still need to pay attention and keep within your (considerable) means.

To put it bluntly, you earn enough to have a lot of luxuries and put up an excellent front of looking even richer than you actually are with that salary, so if that's what she wants, she's sorted with you - but you don't earn enough to be able to spend completely without thought. If it's the latter she wants, she'll have to go elsewhere - if it's the former, she's got it with you, but she needs to understand that that sort of rich image requires a good bit of cannyness behind the scenes about where the money goes. And she also needs to realise that everyone who's putting on that sort of well off front does a bit of behind the scenes budgeting and juggling to make sure it works - it won't just be you two doing that, the 'Joneses' will be doing it too.

Good luck with the next six months. And I hope that somehow you can fix your household budget so you don't just eat through the rest of the stocks and shares money and end up with proper debt that can't just be paid off six months down the line.

immoral_angeluk

You simply can't afford the lifestyle you are maintaining. You may not like to hear it, but it's true. NOONE needs to spend £1200 a month on food/clothes etc, you don't need haircuts every month, you don't NEED to live in what is presumbly (with that high a rent) a big house. You don't need to buy breakfast or work lunches, you don't need to consistently buy new clothes, your wardrobes must be heaving.

You can't afford to maintain the lifestyle you have, so if you don't reduce your outgoings then there is only one inevitable outcome.

ViolaLass

If, as it appears, your wife considers the family's financial position to be your fault and responsibility alone, is she really looking for a job as hard as she could be? I have no reason to believe either way, I'm just wondering whether she feels the incentive is really there.

If she isn't really looking for a job, then the nursery time isn't needed. What is she contributing to the relationship at the moment apart from bills?

ILW

debthelp100830 wrote: »

what is visa infinite?

can i pls request you to make some suggestions on my debt. i know i need to cut my expenses, but trust me the only way to do that is not reduce them by 500/mth but breaking my marriage and cutting them by 3k/mth. this is like a digital- and lets say i am not ready to lose my daughter or start to pay lawyers. i have promised myself to keep this discussion about money rather than relationship. if my wife and kid can stay with me only only as their status of wife and kid of someone who earns £8k/mth rather than someone who falls short by £0.5k/mth then thats something i have accepted.

one needs to be depressed for 23 hrs a day and have a kid who can light up their life for that 1 hr/day so much that they forget all their worries to know what i mean, else its impossible to put yourself in my shoe. i would have either given up this battle to fight on or given up on my marriage if not for her. have survived so far but admit its getting tougher. i need a consolidated loan, survive for 6 mths and then when in slightly better situation mentally and economically, take all these issues up and sort them out. bringing these issues up now means i get abuse and threat- so kindly understand before ridiculing someone

Keep the kid, dump the wife, she is playing you like a fool and will probably walk out as soon as the money runs out.
Sorry, but paying £1000 per month on nursery fees so the missus can spend all day doing nothing and insist on "maintaining her lifestyle" is just madness.

immoral_angeluk

ILW wrote: »

Keep the kid, dump the wife, she is playing you like a fool and will probably walk out as soon as the money runs out.
Sorry, but paying £1000 per month on nursery fees so the missus can spend all day doing nothing and insist on "maintaining her lifestyle" is just madness.

Completely agree!!!!!

OP... if you were on the outside looking in.. and a friend of your's wife was treating him how your wife is treating you, what would you think?

epsilondraconis

In the 2-3 years I've been reading these forums, there have only been a handful of threads where I have felt genuinely sorry for the OP. The obvious answer is to cut back on everything; however with the pressure from his wife and the work related implications, there are no easy answers.

If there are no friends or family you can confide in and provide you with some financial assistance, then the only option seems to be to get your wife on side and to reduce the outgoings as much as possible without it appearing as though you are on a budget.

OP, maybe you can get your wife on side so that you reduce all of your outgoings as much as possible, without being seen to be reducing them from the outside and see how things are in March next year. The fact that you earn a six figure salary should make her happy that you have the potential to earn enough money to ensure she has the life style she wants. Its just that she'll have to wait 12 months or so for that lifestyle. Her looking after the child to remove the nursery fees will be a good start.

I genuinely hope you find a resolution OP. I think it's easy for people to post and say that they should cut back and give the wife a kick-up the whatnot. We all know that will resolve the problem; however by the sounds of it, it will potentially create lots of other different problems for the OP.

ILW

epsilondraconis wrote: »

I
I genuinely hope you find a resolution OP. I think it's easy for people to post and say that they should cut back and give the wife a kick-up the whatnot. We all know that will resolve the problem; however by the sounds of it, it will potentially create lots of other different problems for the OP.

I would suggest that if the OP was honest with his wife and laid the law down a little (get a job or lose the nursery) she may actually begin to respect him. She may just walk out if she is the gold digger she sounds. Either must be better than the current situation.