High income but deep deep in debt-any advice?

bendix

Can't be bothered with this thread anymore, and have absolutely no sympathy with the OP who is completely spineless. Instead of dealing with his wife, he thinks the answer is a consolidation loan.

Look, you don't deal with debt by taking on debt. You deal with debt by living within your (in your case ample) means.

That you choose the former says that you are no better than your wife, who you seem so keen to blame, without taking on any responsibility yourself.

wannabedebtfree_2

I agree that the issues are intrinsically linked, but he has already said he is only emotionally capable of dealing with one thing at a time at the moment. I also agree that the issue of his wife is better dealt with as the priority over the debt, but he is clearly asking for help.

I don't think that the debt is what is causing his emotional state at all (and I think if he was honest with himself he knows this too), his debt is perfectly managable in comparison to most people, but if he is unable or unwilling to deal with the root cause at this time it doesn't matter what any of us say.

I do think he should call her bluff, limit her spending and see if she really leaves him, like someone else said how would she cope without his income? Does anyone actually believe she'd rather be a single mother on benefits, blaming her ex for his frivalous ways with money than have 6 months of living within a pretty sizable budget!! I don't think so!

I just hope for the OP's sanity that this is sorted sooner than 6 months, because if he tries to ignore the big issue until the debt is sorted then I can see him ending up having a nervous breakdown, which will limit his chances of getting custody of his beloved daughter - and that is something that would clearly finish him off.

ldavies_3

Have read this thread with interest..

Get a backbone and ditch the wife

lhogg65

Reading this made me feel sick. I understand where OP is coming from having made similar mistakes in the past albeit on a smaller scale. I empathise with the pressure he is under from the relationship, cashflow/debt and his job.

OP, unless you ACT NOW on the advice given on these pages your life is about to get a whole lot worse-yes, really!!! I still suffer from stress and depression as a result of what I went through-and I was fortunate enough to avoid bankruptcy and the breakdown of my relationship. However, I can now manage these health issues because we stopped the mad and destructive cycle of debt we were accumulating. This meant taking our son out of an independent school which was the hardest decision but the right one because we clearly couldn't afford the ever increasing fees and "extras" bills, cutting up ALL credit cards and speaking to the issuing companies, filling in numerous budget forms and refusing to take no for an answer when they tried to tell us that they couldn't help. We found out who our real friends were/are as we completely dropped out of the ridiculous social circle we'd been naive enough to believe was an important part of our life. The few genuine friends we had accepted us just as we were in our reduced circumstances and understood that we could not/would not live beyond our means. Every week we shopped using "my supermarket" website-we have all major supermarkets within a short distance-but went to Lidl first to see if we could undercut any items. More time spent shopping at the weekend but upside is reducing your own heating costs in the winter. We now manage on up to £50pwk for groceries and i have started to grow fruit and veg at home and recently got an allotment so this will also make a difference. We did/do all this stuff TOGETHER with our son.

The positives:

• State education is fine (and we live in a depressed East Midlands town and had judged the local schools on their reputations alone) and we help out at the school where we can;
• We eat more healthily-with a bit more effort admittedly-than we did before;
• We spend less than we earn and as a result are in full control of repaying our debts-5yrs 10mths to go, then the £500pm we are paying can start to reduce our mortgage balance, so the end is in sight.

I know some of this may not seem relevant to you now but my professional experience suggests that many higher earners favour independent education over state. In your situation, please keep an open mind and don't commit to this huge liability until your finances/lifestyle are under control.

Please listen to the other posters-they are talking sense-and your mental/emotional health will start to improve from the minute you act on the advice given. Please forget any further borrowing-do all you can to pay back your debts as already described.

wrt food spending, you have to take control. If necessary do the shopping yourself, perhaps involving your daughter; it can be fun and you are helping her to make choices in respect of healthy foods/trying new recipes etc.

wrt clothes spending-I think you should approach the "friend" who lent your wife the money to buy the new suit and make them aware of how unacceptable this is. Most employers are looking for smartly dressed candidates-not the same as expensively dressed-and separates are just as appropriate as a suit. Realistically, what sort of job is your wife looking for-you mention a headhunter, suggesting a professional role? Balance salary with childcare costs/stress of being a full-time working mum. Some of us can manage it, others can't, myself included, but she needs to acknowledge her capabilities and responsibilities. I went self employed-lower income but 100% happier and more time to enjoy my boy.

Finally, try mediation/counselling to help you decide whether your marriage is worth saving and consider an initial consultation with a solicitor to discuss your potential separation options; at least then you know what the likely pitfalls are.

I really hope things work out for you-life can never be the same again-but you may grow to like the path you follow infinitely more than the dark place you find yourself in right now.

DansMum_2

Ihogg65 very sensible words....

You have to cut it down OP, you are rightly ditching the nursery at the end of September and already starting to cut the food spending... Your nursery fees are more than I earn in a month!!!

I feel sad that your wife is behaving the way she is. Does her debit card work on your current account? If, as she says, its 'your' mess then take charge of it! Cancel her debit card and give her an 'allowance' of, say, £50 p/w for personal spends to include things like hairdressing, clothes etc. You could get the things for your daughter yourself, then you'll know she's getting what she needs. Can you take your daughter out? Take her to the park, feed the ducks, read with her, colour in with her......??? This would negate the need for an expensive nursery and expensive Sky subs. Your wifes soaps are probably on freeview.

The people on here are giving you the benefit of their experience and they do this freely and are getting frustrated at your apparent lack of understanding, however. I appreciate you only need a short term solution, and I would hope that any sensible woman would understand that. If she's going to leave you because you have no money, half of nothing is still nothing.

Make sandwiches for work, take the bus, dont buy any clothes for 6 months, cut the nursery, cut the wifes cards up, get control....

Good luck OP I hope you can get this sorted and then sort the wife out properly!!

ILW

OP
Grow a pair.

darkblue_2

ILW wrote: »

OP
Grow a pair.

How helpful do you genuinely think that is.

ILW - grow up.

ILW

darkblue wrote: »

How helpful do you genuinely think that is.

ILW - grow up.

If the advice is taken, I believe it would be very helpful. Have you read the thread?

darkblue_2

I've responded all the way through it, which shows you have not read the thread.

He has had advice - he doesn't need your random rubbish comment.

diable

ldavies wrote: »

Have read this thread with interest..

Get a backbone and ditch the wife

and save a fortune...........